The jokes only thread....

Confession
A man walks into confession and says "Father, forgive me because I have sinned." "Oh? What have you done?" asks the priest "I'm a doctor and I slept with one of my patients." replies the doctor The priest replies "My son, it's not very good, but you're forgiven. You are not the first doctor to sleep with a patient. I've heard different confessions about it."
"Yes, but I am a veterinarian."
 
After a "moment of intimacy", my wife slapped me on the back and said "Whoo! There's my Superman"



I said "You call me Superman because I'm your man of steel?"



She said "no"



"Is it because I can leap tall buildings in a single bound?"

"no"

"Am I more powerful than a locomotive?"

"Only when you don't shower"

"Then why am I your Superman?"

"Because you're faster than a speeding bullet."
 

[IMG]
 
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 
win231 said:
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Click to expand...
I'm only laughing because I'm a brunette :) I think you may in trouble!
 
I only have five fingers on my hand, how am I supposed to figure it out.
maybe, drawn an outline with my hand, then put my hand, oh never mind,
I prefer ignorance
Oh yea, Im blond, ease off, were jjust as smart an other folks
 
Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan, Lancashire,
along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.Vicky described him clearly and in detail,
'He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.Pauline interrupts her protesting,
'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth,
and is horrid to your children.Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'
 
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
“Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man groaned but didn’t budge.
The usher became more impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
“All right buddy what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.
“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
“The balcony.”
,
 
Subject: What a coincidence !
A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said
"How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added,
" It is a special day for me. I am celebrating."
"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.
While they toasted, the farmer asked,
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years,
and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant," she replied.
"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is incredible," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," he said.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence.
 

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling." He says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead, but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it." He says. "Because I've been having an affair with your best friend and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house." He says insistently. Up to 60mph.
"I want the car, too." He continues..
65 mph
"And." He says. "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cars and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." She says.
"Oh, really?" He inquires. "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag!" 🤣🤣
 
A chicken walks into a library and up to the desk.



"Buk", says the chicken. So the librarian gives him a book. The chicken leaves with the book. He returns five minutes later. "Buk," he says. So the librarian gives him another book. This goes on about eight more times, until finally the librarian leaves the library and goes outside. In behind the library is a pond. The chicken is standing on the edge of the pond throwing the books, one at a time, to a frog out on a lilypad. The chicken is saying "Buk, Buk", as he throws each book. The frog throws the books behind him and says "reddit, reddit".
 
For decades, two statues, one male & one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"Since you've been such exemplary statues, I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes & during that time, you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

They immediately dashed for the bushes with grins on their faces. There was lots of giggling & shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, they emerged from the bushes with smiles on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking.

The female statue turned to the male statue & said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down & I'll poop on its head."
 
One poster on a forum posted this below, they were discussing how to keep gray hair shiny and without yellow streaks. LOL

"Women would compliment my wife's "highlights" or GRAY hair streaks and they'd ask her "Who colors your hair?" My wife says "My husband." They ask "Oh, is he a Hair stylist?" She says "No, just married to him". Some get the "Joke" and some don't."
 
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives,
while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you,
what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on
her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked.
“She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”
 
Three guys frequent a Chinese restaurant. They constantly give the poor waiter a hard time – demanding water & tea refills every few minutes, hardly spending any money, making a big mess at the table, making fun of the waiter’s Chinese accent & never leaving a tip.
The waiter never complains.
Finally, after many such visits, one of the jerks says to the waiter: “We feel bad about how we’ve been treating you, so from now on we’re going to respect you & today, we’re even going to leave you a big tip.
“Ah, wonderful,” says the waiter. “Now I can stop pissing in your tea.”
 
A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's first wish was to get out of the pit. **POOF** He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world. **POOF** The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, etc. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to sing along: 'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...'
 
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.'
They are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case,
please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I've been trying to do that for years!"
 
While driving through an intersection, I saw the flash of a traffic camera.

I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit even though I knew I was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

I thought this was funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
 

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