The jokes only thread....

Farmers along Interstate 70, as it runs through Missouri, began to notice lots of dead crows on or close to the highway. They called Missouri Department of Wildlife to investigate. Officials arrived and agreed the number of dead crows was more than any could imagine. However, they had no answer, other than the crows appeared to be roadkill. The Department of Wildlife called in a ornithological behaviorist... i.e. bird psychologist... from the University in Rolla, Missouri. Within a couple of hours, the gentleman had the answer. He reported the solution to the Department of Wildlife, thus....

All the crows are being hit by trucks. None are being hit by cars. Crows are scavengers. As the murder of crows ("murder" is the correct name for a flock of crows) ascend on a roadkill, one crow will be seen sitting on a nearby fencepost. That lone crow is a sentry, supposed to warn the murder of approaching vehicles. The problem is a crow cannot say "Truck!" All a crow can scream is "Caw! Caw! Caw!"
 

A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his neck.

“What happened?” “I was playing golf with my wife when she sliced her ball out of
bounds and into a cow pasture. We went looking for it and, after a while I noticed
one of the cows had something white near its tail. I walked over, lifted up its tail,
and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt!
And that’s when things went horribly wrong.”
“What happened?” asks the doctor. “I lifted its tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, honey! This looks like yours!'”
 
Tagging @MarciKS since she may recognize some of the landmarks I reference.

South Central Kansas there is a traffic circle just north of the small town of Florence. It's at the intersection of Highway 77 and 50. Used to be a stop for Highway 77 and not 50. Lots of fatal crashes. Much better since the traffic circle was installed.

I was overseeing a project about 20 miles southwest of the intersection a few years ago. Would pass through that area very early mornings, usually just as the sun was coming up. Quite often would see a Marion County Deputy Sheriff sitting in the parking lot of a convenience store on the southwest corner of the intersection.

One morning, as I passed through the traffic circle, the deputy pulled in behind me. He was riding right on my tail! No red lights to pull me over. Just following so close I could barely see is headlights in my rear view mirror. All of a sudden a pheasant flew out of the road ditch. The pheasant didn't get airborne quick enough and caught the front of my truck, right near the top of the grille. The impact sent that poor rooster pheasant flying up over my windshield and cab of the truck. WHAM!!! The pheasant hit right in the center of the deputy's windshield! It was light enough I could see the damaged windshield in my mirror.

Red lights came on. No one around, but the deputy even turned on his siren. I hit my blinker and four-way flashers and pulled off on the shoulder. Hadn't been speeding. No idea why I was being stopped. The deputy asked for my license and registration. I immediately handed those to him and he returned to his patrol car. As I sat there, I was remaining calm since I had done nothing wrong.

The deputy walked back to my driver's window and handed me a traffic citation!!! He muttered a terse "Good day!" and left. I wondered what I had done wrong, with only the incident of the pheasant being any connection between the officer and me. When I began reading the ticket, it was obvious the infraction for which I had been cited. "Flipping a police officer the bird!" :p:p🤣🤣🤣
 

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do-it-yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she
‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel !
 
A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
 
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A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,

"How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife,

"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
 
James Bond... Bond, James Bond...is talking to Q one day.
Now pay attention, 007. Here is your new watch. Now with this watch you can see things that otherwise couldn't be seen.
Later that night James is on a date with a beautiful woman. He looks at his watch and says: Oh, I see you aren't wearing any knickers.
She looks shocked and says: I most certainly AM wearing knickers!
James looks at his watch, puzzled. He smiles, adjusts it and says: Must be an hour fast.
 
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her
to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from Jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.
My response: "So you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday."
 
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. The light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof; started blowing her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
 

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