The jokes only thread....
- Thread starter Pappy
- Start date
A man bought a Ferrari and took it out on the interstate late that night for a test drive. To see what she could do, he decided to open her up. As the needle went past 100 mph, he suddenly saw flashing lights behind him. Thinking that a police car couldn’t keep up with a Ferrari, he rapidly sped up to 110, then 120 and finally to 130 with the flashing lights still behind him.
Finally, he came to his senses and pulled over.
After a minute or two a big grumpy police officer came up to the car and after taking his licence and registration, said “I’ve had a really tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don’t want any more paper work tonight, so if you can give me an excuse for your excessive speed that I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.”
The man said “Well, last week my wife ran off with a police officer, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
The cop replies,"Have a good day, sir, but slow down."
Finally, he came to his senses and pulled over.
After a minute or two a big grumpy police officer came up to the car and after taking his licence and registration, said “I’ve had a really tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don’t want any more paper work tonight, so if you can give me an excuse for your excessive speed that I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.”
The man said “Well, last week my wife ran off with a police officer, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
The cop replies,"Have a good day, sir, but slow down."
A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
"Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
She got the raise.
"Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
She got the raise.
A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home."
Sergeant: "What is her height?"
Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sergeant: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sergeant: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Never noticed."
Sergeant: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown."
Sergeant: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly."
Sergeant: "What kind of car did she leave in?"
Husband: "She left in my truck."
Sergeant: "What kind of truck was it?"
Husband: "Brand new Ford F-150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Custom leather seats and Heavy Duty floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Custom alloy wheels and off-road Michelin tires. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door."
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: "Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck."
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home."
Sergeant: "What is her height?"
Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sergeant: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sergeant: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Never noticed."
Sergeant: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown."
Sergeant: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly."
Sergeant: "What kind of car did she leave in?"
Husband: "She left in my truck."
Sergeant: "What kind of truck was it?"
Husband: "Brand new Ford F-150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Custom leather seats and Heavy Duty floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Custom alloy wheels and off-road Michelin tires. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door."
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: "Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck."
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
And then there is this:
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
A woman rubbed a lamp & a genie came out. “Do I get three wishes?” she asked.
“No,” says the genie. “I’m a one-wish genie. What’ll it be?”
The woman says: “See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace.”
The genie says: “They’ve been at war for years. I’m not that good. Pick something else.”
The woman says: “Well, I’d like to find a good man. One who’s considerate, loves kids, helps with the housework & doesn’t watch sports all day.” “Okay,” the genie says with a sigh, “Let me see that map again.”
“No,” says the genie. “I’m a one-wish genie. What’ll it be?”
The woman says: “See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace.”
The genie says: “They’ve been at war for years. I’m not that good. Pick something else.”
The woman says: “Well, I’d like to find a good man. One who’s considerate, loves kids, helps with the housework & doesn’t watch sports all day.” “Okay,” the genie says with a sigh, “Let me see that map again.”
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'Why aren't you eating? What is it you are waiting for?
She answered,
'THE TEETH'.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'Why aren't you eating? What is it you are waiting for?
She answered,
'THE TEETH'.
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen? “There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred, and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please.“
They pay 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen? “There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred, and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please.“
They pay 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.”
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Over the centuries mothers have given their children plenty of good advice;
here are some examples which Will and Guy find quite amusing.
COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: I don't care what you've done
Christopher. You could have written.
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove
GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family.
Do you know anything about this Goldie?
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: But, Albert,
it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair?
Styling gel, mousse, something...?
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb,
Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: Humpty, If I've told you once,
I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No
here are some examples which Will and Guy find quite amusing.
COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: I don't care what you've done
Christopher. You could have written.
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove
GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family.
Do you know anything about this Goldie?
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: But, Albert,
it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair?
Styling gel, mousse, something...?
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb,
Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: Humpty, If I've told you once,
I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No
OneEyedDiva
SF VIP
- Location
- New Jersey
RadishRose
SF VIP
- Location
- Connecticut, USA
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
Lewkat
Senior Member
- Location
- New Jersey, USA
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Bob was walking down the street one day when He was accosted by a dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. After Bob pulled out his wallet and took out ten dollars, Bob asked,” If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” Bob asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man responded. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” Bob asked.
“Are you NUTS!” the homeless man replied. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”
“Well,” Bob said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was shocked by this, as he was not expecting it.
“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?” he asked.
Bob replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing, and hunting.”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” Bob asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man responded. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” Bob asked.
“Are you NUTS!” the homeless man replied. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”
“Well,” Bob said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was shocked by this, as he was not expecting it.
“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?” he asked.
Bob replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing, and hunting.”
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
Hello Father...
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii
on their holidays.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them ......They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
------------------------------ ------------------------------
A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me?
Ah, that's a sign of good taste!!
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii
on their holidays.They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them ......They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
------------------------------ ------------------------------
A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me?
Ah, that's a sign of good taste!!
Lewkat
Senior Member
- Location
- New Jersey, USA
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Read This, It’s Funny!
Boy: Hell yeah!
Girl: Do you want to break up with Me?
Boy: No Way!
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Any Chance I can!
Girl: Will you cheat on me?
Boy: Not even a million years!
Girl: Will you protect me away from bad guys?
Boy: I will
Girl: Will you slap me?
Boy: Shut up! Are you crazy?!
Girl: Will you marry me?
Boy: Yeah!
READ IT BACKWARDS
Boy: Hell yeah!
Girl: Do you want to break up with Me?
Boy: No Way!
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Any Chance I can!
Girl: Will you cheat on me?
Boy: Not even a million years!
Girl: Will you protect me away from bad guys?
Boy: I will
Girl: Will you slap me?
Boy: Shut up! Are you crazy?!
Girl: Will you marry me?
Boy: Yeah!
READ IT BACKWARDS
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day:
Sid asks Al. “Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?”
Al replies. “I don’t know of any. Let’s ask our waiter if he knows.”
When the waiter arrives, Al asks. “Are there any Mexican Jews?”
The waiter says.
“I don’t know senior. I ask the cook.”
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says.
“No senior, cook say no Mexican Jews.”
Al isn’t satisfied and asks. “Are you absolutely sure?”
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with
“Gringos” replies. “I check again, senior!”
He goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says.
“I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”
The waiter returns and says.
“Senior, the head cook Tomas say there is no Mexican Jews.”
“Are you certain?” Al asks again. “I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”
“SENIOR, I ask EVERYONE.” Replies the exasperated waiter.
“All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.”
Sid asks Al. “Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?”
Al replies. “I don’t know of any. Let’s ask our waiter if he knows.”
When the waiter arrives, Al asks. “Are there any Mexican Jews?”
The waiter says.
“I don’t know senior. I ask the cook.”
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says.
“No senior, cook say no Mexican Jews.”
Al isn’t satisfied and asks. “Are you absolutely sure?”
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with
“Gringos” replies. “I check again, senior!”
He goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says.
“I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”
The waiter returns and says.
“Senior, the head cook Tomas say there is no Mexican Jews.”
“Are you certain?” Al asks again. “I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”
“SENIOR, I ask EVERYONE.” Replies the exasperated waiter.
“All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.”
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found
absolutely nothing physically wrong with him,
and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your
insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found
absolutely nothing physically wrong with him,
and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your
insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
One night, a kid's grandparents were about to die. At night, the boy prayed "God please let my grandparents die in peace." The next day he found out his grandparents died with peace. The next day the boy wanted a bike, and his dad wouldn't buy it for him. So night time came around and he prayed "God, let my father die" and the father was at the door listening to the kid pray. the father went to work, came home, and said to his wife "honey, I've had the worst day ever". his wife replied You think your day was bad ! I've had the worst day ever? The mailman just dropped dead on our doorstep!
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
So stan retired from the coal mines after 35 yrs,,a few months pass there's a knock at the door,stans wife Joan answers the door theres 2 policemen standing there,come in said Joan what can I do for you ? We're here to speak with stan where is he,joan said hes right at the bottom of the garden pottering around in his shed,,why do you want to speak to stan asks Joan? The policemen said theres alot of items missing from the coal mines like brand new boxes of boots,donkey jackets,,helmets pickaxes etc,,joan said my stan is a honest man he wouldn't take stuff like that,,the policeman said ok we will walk down to the garden shed then,oh no said joan dont walk,,go down on the conveyer belt..