The jokes only thread....

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
 

When Forrest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “Welcome, Forrest. We’ve heard a lot about you.”

He continued, “Unfortunately, it’s getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.”

“Okay,” said Forrest. “I hope it’s not too hard. I’ve already been through a test. My momma used to say, ‘Life is like a final exam. It’s hard.'”

“Yes, Forrest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are.”

Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?”

How many seconds are in a year?

What is God’s first name?

“Well, sir,” said Forrest, “The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Today and Tomorrow.”

St. Peter looked surprised and said, “Well, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.”

“The next question,” said Forrest, “How many seconds are in a year? Twelve.”

“Twelve?” said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

“Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...”

St. Peter interrupted him. “I see what you mean. I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.”

“And the last question,” said Forrest, “What is God’s first name? It’s Andy.”

“Andy?” said St. Peter, in shock. “How did you come up with ‘Andy’?”

“I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.”

Forrest broke into song,..

“Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said,...

“Run, Forrest, Run!”
 
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line…‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'” The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line, over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress”. The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter… and the director was steaming! “You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!” The actor, quite bewildered, asked, “What happened, did I forget my line?” he asked. “No!” the director screamed….“You forgot the rose!” 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
 

A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf. They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up so they complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.
The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them.”
The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”
 
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Went for a walk with my new girlfriendand we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"

I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.

She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19."

Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.

She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."
 
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Competition at the retirement home
An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.

Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.

One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.

"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's." "What are you doing there?"

"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."

"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"




"Parkinson's."
 
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”
The man said, “Beat it, kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been telling me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done….”
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.





























​

 
A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”
He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on Harleys.
My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my dad’s Harley,
then as a little boy, I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley.
I’ve been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker.”

She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower,
watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women.”

Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next
to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”



He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.
 
A man walks into a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman,

“If I can show you something you have never seen before, will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time, says, “Sure, impress me and I’ll give you a free tab for the night!”

So the man puts down the box and opens it. He then pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar, and then a little man as well.

The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing!

The barman was blown away by this and tells the man he can drink all night for free as agreed.

The barman then asks, “Where did you find the little man?”

“Well,” says the man, “I found this magic lamp.”

The man digs into the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp.

“I rubbed it and a genie appeared. The genie granted me one wish, and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness.”

“Wow,” says the barman.

The man then says, “As you gave me free drinks, I’m going to let you have the lamp. Be careful what you wish for though.”

So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish.

Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!

The ducks are making one heck of a raucous, crapping all over the customers and bar.

The barman shouts at the man saying, “I wished for a million bucks! Not a million ducks!”

To this the man replies,...

“And you think that I wished for a 12-inch Pianist?!”
 
A middle-aged man decided that it was time to change his lifestyle, so he moved into a nudist colony, but he decided not to tell his family where he had gone as he knew that they wouldn’t understand, especially his elderly grandmother who was really old fashioned and prudish.
However, not long after he joined the nudist colony, he received a letter from his grandmother, asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
The man was far too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, so he cut a photograph of himself in half, but accidentally sent her the bottom half of the picture by mistake.
He was really worried when he realized that he had sent the wrong half, but then he remembered how bad his grandmother’s eyesight was and hoped she wouldn’t notice what he had sent.
A few weeks later, he received another letter from his grandmother.
The letter said, “Thank you for the picture. You should change your hairstyle though, it makes your nose look too short”.

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
 
A mother was driving home from the shops when she decided
to stop by at her son and daughter-in-law’s house.
She knocked on the door, there was no answer.
She tried the door, which was unlocked, so she decided to walk in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law, lying on the couch,
totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of scented candles
filled the room.
“What on earth are you doing?” she asked her daughter-in-law.
“I’m waiting for Robbie to come home from work”, the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you are lying there naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress”, her daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“Robbie loves me to wear this dress”, she explained. “Every time he sees me like this, he instantly becomes aroused and ravages me for hours”.
The mother-in-law blushed and left.
She had obviously been doing some thinking on the drive home, because when she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home from work.
He walked in and did a double-take, seeing her lying there so provocatively.
“What on earth are you doing Hilda?” he asked.
“This is my love dress”, she whispered sensually.
“Your love dress needs ironing”, her husband said. “What’s for dinner?”
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman

boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,
“Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled, and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs
of America Convention in Boston.”

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him,
and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal
experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.”

“Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best.”

“I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you.
I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba.”
 
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Karen.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this, or they would have to get another organist.
Then one of the ladies approached Karen very discreetly about the problem and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
But she warned Karen not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn’t be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the priest climbed into the pulpit and said,


“Dew to thircumstanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haf a thermon tewday.
 

Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the
When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again,
hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bob’s wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.’
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons
and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m.
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 – they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife:
‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’
With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you $500?’
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes, in fact, he did give me $500.’
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
‘He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’
 
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’ Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?’


The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’
‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”
“Now, how about that drink?’
 
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.

Next it was Dave's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
 
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN recently.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
 
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “What is the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister
if she would sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!”
The boy pondered for a while, then went back to his dad who asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?”
The boy replied, “No sir,” and tells his father the replies he’d been given.
The father replied, "Well, son, surely it’s obvious: Potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two Sluts.”
 

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