The jokes only thread....

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

“May I help you?” she asked.

“I want to see Penny,” the man replied.

“Sir, Penny is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?,” said the madam.

“No. I must see Penny,” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Penny appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Penny, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Penny.

Penny explained that no-one had ever come back two nights in a row – too expensive – and there were no discounts.

The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Penny and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Penny and they went upstairs.

After their romp, Penny questioned the man.

“No-one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “South Carolina.”

“Really?” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”

“I know,” the man said.

“Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney.”

“She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused, and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card unopened and laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red “A” under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. “Was it the nuns that did it?”, the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, “No.” “Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?” Again the boy shook his head and said, “No.” “The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?” “Nope,” said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy, they nailed to the ‘plus sign,’ I just knew they meant business.
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A woman is in hospital having an operation when she has a vision of God.

She asks God how long she has left to live, and God tells her she has 30 years left.

Upon waking from surgery, the woman considers the next 30 years and decides to make some changes.

So she books herself a tummy tuck, facelift, liposuction, fillers.

You name it, she had it done.

After being released from the hospital, and feeling glamorous, the woman struts across the road, and is hit by a car, and dies.

In front of God, she asks him why he told her she had 30 years left to live when that was clearly not true.

God shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, I didn’t recognize you."
 
Although they had been in remarkably good health, an 85 year old couple died in a car crash.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion complete with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, and Jacuzzi.
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “You’re in Heaven.”
Next, they went out back to survey the golf course behind the home.
They could go golfing every day and every week the course would magically change to a new one so they’d never get bored.
The old man asked, “How much is the greens fee?”
Peter replied, “This is heaven. You play for free.”
Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet?” Peter replied with some exasperation. “This is heaven. It is free!”
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol dishes?” the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, “That’s the best part! You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.
It’s OK. This is Heaven.”
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, threw down his hat, and stomped on it while shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down and asked him what was wrong.
The old man glared at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, who is deaf, has cheated him out of $5,000,000.00. When the Godfather confronts Guido about the missing $5 million, he brings his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him.”

Guido is scared and signs back, "OK. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
 
There was a knock on my door this past Sunday morning.
I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the hell out of me, I've never gotten this far before."
 
A man asked his wife to pack for him for a weekend fishing trip. She gladly obliged with clothes, toiletries, all the fishing gear he asked for - rods, reels, tackle box. At the last moment, he said, "Please pack my new silk pajamas, would you?"

This made her somewhat suspicious but she did as he asked.

When he returned, looking very refreshed, she asked if he caught a lot of fish.

"Oh, yes," he said. "Three walleyes, four or five bass, it was great......but, you know.....you forgot to pack my new silk pajamas."

"No I didn't," she said. "They're in your tackle box."
 
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued: "Have you any grounds?" Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" It's made of concrete. "I don' think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" No, we have a carport, and not need one. "I mean what are your relations like?" All my relations still in Poland . " Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. "Does your wife beat you up?" No, I'm always up before her each morning. "Is your wife a nagger?" No, she white. "Why do you want this divorce?" She going to kill me. "What makes you think that?" I got proof. "What kind of proof?" She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: POLISH REMOVER
 
Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.
The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."

The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."

The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."
The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"
He proudly replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."
 
Two elderly ladies meet at the drug store after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Harold died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a potato for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of baked beans instead."
 
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
 

It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore...​

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I just bought a TV & it said "Built in Antenna". I don't even know where that is.
 
After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization”, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise, I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go.

If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the exam.”
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer,
and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers:

* * * * *

“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 25-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal.

The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have is neither legal nor logical.”
 

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