The jokes only thread....

Grandma writes:
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love ya all,
Grandma
 

A police motorcycle rider stops a driver for shooting through a red light.

The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the policeman, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the policeman calmly tells him of the red light infringement. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc.,

in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence lawyer asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
 
Not a joke really , but something funny that happened to me this morning ...

I heard a song on the radio, and took my iPhone over and put voice recognition ON. ... got the song title and put my phone down.
Later, after taking a shower, came back out to the living room and picked up my phone.

The Voice Recognition was still on.. I got this message:

"I heard something that sounded like a dog" ..... :ROFLMAO::p:ROFLMAO: .... it must have picked up Lil'Bear yawning after his nap.
 
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. "I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, nonsmoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old, in great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smonker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000." "Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!" "Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."
 
"Boy, I'm scared," John said to one of his friends.

"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."

"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."

"Easy for you to say."

"You like her that much?" the friend asks.

"It's not that," declared John.
.
.
.
.

"He didn't sign his name!
 
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
'A million dollars,' he answered, 'because I want to donate it to M.I.T.'

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million.
'I want to give a million to my family,' he explained, 'and leave the other million for the advancement of medical

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, 'Three million dollars.'

'Why so much more than the others?' asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, 'If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars.'
 
Sassycakes said:
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
'A million dollars,' he answered, 'because I want to donate it to M.I.T.'

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million.
'I want to give a million to my family,' he explained, 'and leave the other million for the advancement of medical

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, 'Three million dollars.'

'Why so much more than the others?' asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, 'If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars.'
Click to expand...
Scene: Cop standing beside a car, writing a speeding ticket to the lady driver.

Lady: But officer, I thought police didn't give tickets to attractive females.

Officer: We don't. Sign here please,
 
I can't remember if got these from this forum or if they're posted here already...if so forgive me.
Some new puns to make you smile:
Venison for dinner again? Oh, deer!
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a typo.

I changed my I-pod's name to Titanic; it's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went; then it dawned on me.
The girl said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns; it was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.
I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery, because I kneaded the dough.
Velcro.......what a rip-off!
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
 
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, "What are you staring at?"
"A spider," he replies.
"I don't see anything," she says.
"Oh, it must have fallen on your head," he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming...
The man says, "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"And that my friends is how the fight started.
 
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;

“ You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side

You know what?”

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

”I think you’re bad luck.”
 
Peter Marshall: True or false...there are more psychiatrists in Beverly Hills than plumbers.
Paul Lynde: When my toilet's backed up, I don't care who fixes it

Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body—what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor calls it 'the Big One.' What is it?
Paul Lynde: They both look the same to me

Peter Marshall: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a Geisha House, now how did he spent his time in the Geisha House?
Paul Lynde: Negotiating for peace.

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity!

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo.

Peter Marshall: Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
Paul Lynde: Loneliness.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Paul Lynde: I don’t have a third choice…?

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: Oh, Paul, what would we ever do without you?
Paul Lynde: Replace me with Charles Nelson Reilly.
 
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."
 
The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my ***** to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em', which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's ***** and began to work back. 'Dear Lord,' The medical officer suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your balls?'
The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'Afghanistan.'
 
This was surreal.... Today I was travelling on Mill St on my way home behind an ambulance. Oddly I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened it, there was a human toe packed a bag on ice. Crap, that's a serious mistake I thought, so I called the Hospital and they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?

The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck."

Please don’t Ban me, I don’t get out much!🤣😂🤣
 

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