The jokes only thread....

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,​


“I want to open a freakin’ checking account.”
To which the lady replied,
“I beg your pardon, what did you say?”
“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin’ checking account right now.”
“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked,
“What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man says,
“I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see sir,” the manager said,
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”
 
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals", he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot Bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice from heaven asked, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well", said the Voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."
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Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.



A Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Beretta Pistol:
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with

a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must

have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber

pistol with me, I would not be here today!



Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus
 
Pappy said:
Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.



A Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Beretta Pistol:
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with

a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must

have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber

pistol with me, I would not be here today!



Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus
Click to expand...
Pappy...reminds me of the Texas divorcee discussing her situation...she says "well I keep missing my ex-husband but my aim sure is getting better."
 


A dying man lie in bed with his wife beside him​

As he lay, he turned and looked to his wife and said "My dear wife, I must make a confession"

"There is no need." She said

"No" the man replied. "I must tell you before I die."

"If you must." She said.

"I slept with not only you but your mother, your best friend, her best friend, our daughter, and many other women." He told her.

His wife, not angered by this, turned to him and said.

"I know. Now just rest and let the poison do its work."
 
The Prescription
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription"
 
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH ****ING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
 
A married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.
"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.
"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."
"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"
 
Fred had not been feeling well so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor did some tests and walked back into the room.
"Fred, I have some bad news for you, and I really don't know how to tell you. I've rerun all the tests and double checked the results. You are going to die of cancer. There is no cure for what you have. You have about 6 to 8 weeks to live."
"Well Doc, I am glad you told me straight out though. Now I can get all my personal affairs in order."
The doctor felt badly about Fred and the next day was at the gym when he heard two guys talking. "Did you hear about Fred?" "Yeah, I heard that he is dying of AIDS!"
This really upset the doctor and he rushed over to a telephone to call Fred.
"Hello Fred? Did you understand what I told you yesterday?"
"Of course Doc. I am dying of cancer and have 6 to 8 weeks to live."
"But I just heard two of your friends say you were dying of AIDS."
"Yeah Doc, I know. You see, after I am gone, I don't want anyone screwing my wife!"
 
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