The jokes only thread....

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds
With
OneStone !!😂😂
 

Blonde Jokes


1. WHY DOES IT TAKE LONGER TO BUILD A BLONDE SNOWMAN AS OPPOSED TO A
REGULAR ONE?
(YOU HAVE TO HOLLOW OUT THE HEAD.)

2. WHY WON'T THEY HIRE BLONDES AS PHARMACISTS?
(THEY KEEP BREAKING THE PRESCRIPTION BOTTLES IN THE TYPEWRITERS.)

3. HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT GOT AN AM RADIO?
(IT TOOK HER A MONTH TO REALIZE SHE COULD PLAY IT IN THE
AFTERNOON.)

4. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLONDE ICE HOCKEY TEAM?
(THEY DROWNED DURING SPRING TRAINING.)

5. WHY DID THE BLONDE SCALE THE CHAIN-LINK FENCE?
(TO SEE WHAT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE)

6. HOW DID THE BLONDE BURN HER NOSE?
(BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES.)

7. WHY DO BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN?
(THEY'RE EASIER TO AMUSE.)

8. WHAT DO YOU CALL 20 BLONDES IN A FREEZER?
(FROSTED FLAKES.)

9. WHY CAN'T BLONDES PUT IN LIGHT BULBS?
(THEY KEEP BREAKING THEM WITH THEIR HAMMERS.)

10. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT SHOT AN ARROW INTO THE AIR?
(SHE MISSED.)

11. WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN A BLONDE BLOWS INTO ANOTHER BLONDE'S EAR?
(DATA TRANSFER.)

12. WHY DID THE BLONDE RESOLVE TO HAVE ONLY THREE CHILDREN?
(BECAUSE SHE READ THAT ONE CHILD OUT OF EVERY FOUR IS BORN
CHINESE.)

13. WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT MAKE-UP ON HER FOREHEAD?
(SHE WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT SHE WAS ABLE TO MAKE UP HER
MIND.)

14. WHY DID THE BLONDE ASK HER FRIENDS TO SAVE THEIR BURNED-OUT LIGHT
BULBS?
(SHE NEEDED THEM FOR THE DARKROOM SHE WAS BUILDING.)

15. WHY ARE ASIANS SO SMART?
(NO BLONDES.)

16. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST ADVANTAGE TO MARRYING BLONDE?
(YOU GET TO PARK IN THE HANDICAPPED ZONE)

A BETTER BLONDE JOKE:
A GROUP OF BLONDES IN A CLASS AT TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY WERE GIVEN THE
ASSIGNMENT TO MEASURE THE HEIGHT OF A FLAGPOLE.
SO THEY WENT OUT TO THE FLAGPOLE WITH LADDERS AND TAPE MEASURES, BUT
THEY FELL OFF THE LADDERS AND DROPPED THE TAPE MEASURES AND PENCILS-THE
WHOLE THING WAS JUST A MESS.

AN ENGINEERING STUDENT COMES ALONG AND SEES WHAT THEY'RE TRYING TO DO.

HE WALKS OVER, PULLS THE FLAGPOLE OUT OF THE GROUND, LAYS IT FLAT,
MEASURES IT FROM END TO END, AND THEN GIVES THE MEASUREMENT TO ONE OF
THE BLONDES AND WALKS AWAY.

AFTER THE ENGINEER HAD GONE, ONE BLONDE TURNED TO ANOTHER AND LAUGHED:
"ISN'T THAT JUST LIKE A DUMB ENGINEER? WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE HEIGHT AND
HE GIVES US THE LENGTH"!
 
Think YOU'RE having a bad day???

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients

in the same bed always died on Sunday morning

at about 11:00 a.m. This puzzled the doctors and

some even thought it had something to do with

the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths

occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so

a worldwide team of experts was assembled to

investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before

11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously

waited outside the ward to see for themselves what

the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books,

and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson,

the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and

unplugged the life support system so he could use the

vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon

Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.

At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved

animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers

and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the

kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,

with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the

electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she

whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his

arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had

been happily listening to his Walkman.


STILL think you're having Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the

cruelty of ending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn,

Germany.

Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose

and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage

on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to

Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb,

he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better????
 
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, and for insurance purposes, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.
Click to expand...
 
Once there was a man who loved baked beans. He would eat up to 5 and sometimes 6 plates at a time, but that always be followed with smelly, loud, stinky gas.

One day he met a beautiful lady and decided to talk to her. They started seeing each other.

Since he did not want her to smell his nasty gas after eating beans, he made the sacrifice and stopped eating them. One year later they were married.

On his birthday, the next year, he was coming home from work, when suddenly his car broke down.

He called his wife to tell her what had happened, and also to let her know that he would be home a little late. She said she understood, but to hurry, because she had a surprise for him.

On his way, he saw a diner and smelled baked beans cooking inside. Since he had to walk 6 miles to get home, he figured that by the time he got there all the smelly gas would be gone.

He went in and ate 7 bowls of baked beans. On his way back home, he was farting nasty and smelly
gas.

Finally, he got home and on the door, his wife had hung a blindfold for him to wear, so he wouldn't peek.

She sat him at the table when all of a sudden the phone rang. She made him promise he wouldn't peek until she got back.

Unfortunately, his gas came back and he couldn't hold it in any longer. Since she was taking so long, he decided to let it go.

He picked up his leg and let it rip. It smelled so bad, he had to get a napkin and fan so she wouldn't smell it.

He wanted to fart again, so he once again picked up his leg, but this time it was so loud and smelly, that it shook the windows and killed the flowers.

After a couple of more farts, his wife finally got off the phone, so he stopped.

When she took the blindfold off to his surprise, there were 12 guests seated at the table.
 
THE DILLARD'S THIEF In San Antonio, Texas.

This is too funny! This could only be true, you can't make this stuff

up.

Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed
down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no
flies, no smell.

What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.

"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already grabbed her
shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag,
and then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's
bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former
feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their
goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left
Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while
they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed
over to Luby's Cafeteria.

After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table,
they had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the
trunk.

BUT not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a
red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that,
and then hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride.

She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine? "
finally sputtered Ellen.

"The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly
a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting
the red-gingham thief.

Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed
Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following
her gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the
Dillard's bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly
pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register,
the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an
an empty chair and began to eat.

After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually
lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure.

Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt
audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered
into the bag.

Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise.

The noise grew.

The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and
clutching her upper chest.

The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble
and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich
maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who
remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the
ambulance arrived.

In a matter of minutes, the curly-haired woman emerged from the crowd,
still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney.

Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance,
while a third scooped up her belongings.

The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind
the ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.

My mom always taught me if it doesn't belong to you don't touch it,
guess she didn't have a wise mom as I do. Serves her right, God does take care of those who do bad things!

ARE YOU LAUGHING????
 
Paddy got down on one knee and said to Caitlin, “Sweetheart, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something.

“I’m not rich like Mick. I’m not a professional athlete Like Danny. I’m not a famous surgeon like Martin. But I do love you, and I want to marry you.”

Caitlin replied, “Oh, Paddy, I love you too! What was that you said about Mick?”
 
Insurance matters

A fire burned down the Murphy’s barn.

While Farmer Murphy was out surveying the wreckage, Mrs. Murphy called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, which was the amount of insurance on the barn.

“We don’t actually give you the money,” the insurance company official explained. “We replace the item that was insured.”

Mrs. Murphy exclaimed, “Goodness! In that case, please cancel the policy I have on my husband.”
 
Birthday; Honey- - -

Two old guys were chatting.....One said to the other:
"My 70th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV".
Another guy responded: "Wow, Imagine, an SUV!! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup!! Socks, Underwear, and ******!"
 
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what ! !

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay,' and she showed him. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
-----------------------------------------

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me ..
your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for
------------------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

--------------------------------------------
How old would you be
if you didn't know how old you are?
----------------------------------------------

When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------

You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.

----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------

Old age is when former classmates are so gray
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A WELL PLANNED LIFE????

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,
Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,
"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference!"
 
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94
year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up
the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year
old is sitting at the k itchen table having tea listening to her sister!
s. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as
soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am
I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
__________________________________ _____
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in
the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week
to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends
for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her
friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just
one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through . The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to
the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred
turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
 
Hubby says to wife "make some coffee!" Wife says, "why should I always make the coffee?" "Because you're a woman?" The wife says "That's not what the bible says." She goes and gets her bible, puts it on the table in front of him and points to the word, "Hebrew".
 
Married 10 Times


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. "

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..... God, I miss him!"

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"
 
Consider This...

The fact of the day...
The country with the most post offices is India with over 152,792, compared with just over 38,000 in the United States.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ... even your heart!
Only 7% of the population are lefties.
40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
Babies are born without knee caps They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
The average housefly lives for one month.
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
A bus station is where a bus stops
A train station is where a train stops
On my desk, I have a workstation.....
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non prophet organization.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I must always remember that I am unique... Just like everyone else.
I think everyone has a photographic memory: it's just that some of us are out of the film
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I don't have a solution but I admire your problem.
 
Proverbs: ADVERSITY - That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.
AMBITION - The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.
BAILOUTS - From each according to his ability, to each according to his lack thereof.
BLOGGING - Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.
CLUELESSNESS - There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.
DEFEAT -For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.
DELUSIONS - There is no greater joy than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality.
ECONOMICS -The science of explaining tomorrow why the predictions you made yesterday didn't come true today.
EFFORT -Hard work never killed anybody, but it is illegal in some places.
GOVERNMENT - If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions.
IDIOCY - Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
INCOMPETENCE - When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.
INDECISION - The mark of the leader is the ability to make decisions. The mark of the survivor is knowing when not to.
INSIGHT - When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The smart left a long time ago.
 
Twelve Days of Halloween

On the first day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the second day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the third day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the fourth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the fifth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
5 SCARY SPOOKS! 4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS;
2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the sixth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
6 GOBLINS GOBBLING; 5 SCARY SPOOKS! 4 SKELETONS;
3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!
On the seventh day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
7 PUMPKINS GLOWING; 6 GOBLINS GOBBLING; 5 SCARY SPOOKS!
4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the eighth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
8 MONSTERS SHRIEKING; 7 PUMPKINS GLOWING; 6 GOBLINS GOBBLING;
5 SCARY SPOOKS! 4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the ninth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
9 GHOSTS A--BOOING; 8 MONSTERS SHRIEKING; 7 PUMPKINS GLOWING;
6 GOBLINS GOBBLING; 5 SCARY SPOOKS! 4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS;
2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the tenth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
10 GHOULS A-GROANING; 9 GHOSTS A--BOOING; 8 MONSTERS SHRIEKING;
7 PUMPKINS GLOWING; 6 GOBLINS GOBBLING; 5 SCARY SPOOKS!
4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the eleventh day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
11 MASKS A-LEERING; 10 GHOULS A-GROANING; 9 GHOSTS A--BOOING;
8 MONSTERS SHRIEKING; 7 PUMPKINS GLOWING; 6 GOBLINS GOBBLING;
5 SCARY SPOOKS! 4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the twelfth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
12 BATS A-FLYING. 11 MASKS A-LEERING; 10 GHOULS A-GROANING;
9 GHOSTS A--BOOING; 8 MONSTERS SHRIEKING; 7 PUMPKINS GLOWING;
6 GOBLINS GOBBLING; 5 SCARY SPOOKS! 4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS;
2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!
 
Barn Out Back - 9 Things to think about
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their seat to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually...

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Dang right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course, it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the dang floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest dang thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
 

An American is having breakfast one morning, coffee, croissants, bread, butter, and jam, when a Frenchman, chewing bubble gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform
them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on
his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers recycle them, transform them into
jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in
France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France." :devilish:
 
two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. after a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. these two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. they won't know the difference." the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead!"

"dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"

"well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."


his friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

"a witch, why the hell would you say that?"

"well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
 
A businessman leaves his wife the following letter on the dining room
table:

"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with
you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
disturbed - I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining
room table:

"My Dear Husband I received your letter and thank you for your
honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also
54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you
that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach,
who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of
Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although
with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes
into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow
 
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and
took their drink order.


"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for
dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but
why have you only ordered beer all evening?"


You're gonna LOVE me for this....




The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
 

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