The jokes only thread....

“What starting salary are you looking for?” the head of human resources asked the newly-graduated engineer at the end of a job interview.
The applicant says, “Well, sir, I was thinking about $200,000.00 depending on the benefits package.”
“Okay, the H.R. director says. “How about three months vacation, 75 paid holidays, full medical & dental & a new Porsche for your company car?” The applicant gasps & says, “Wow!” are you kidding?”
“Yeah, he replies, “But you started it.”
 

A guy is watching a football game on TV & he doesn’t like to be bothered. His wife tries to do the laundry but the washer isn’t working.
She tells her husband “Honey, the washer is not working.”
He says “Do I look like the Maytag Man?”
She calls a repairman. After the repairman fixes the washer, the wife wants to go shopping but the car won’t start.
She says to her husband “Honey, the car won’t start.”
He says “Do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?
She tries to call a mechanic but there is no dial tone on the phone.
She says “Honey, the phone is dead.”
He says: “Do I look like AT&T?”
She calls a tow truck from the neighbor’s phone. The wife is gone for several hours & by the time she returns home with the car, the football game is over.
Her husband says “Did you get the car fixed?”
The wife says “Yes, but after the mechanic fixed it, I realized I forgot my purse so I couldn’t pay him. Instead of money, he said I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him.”
The husband says “Did he like the cake?”
The wife says “Do I look like Betty Crocker?”
 
A guy walks into a pharmacy & asks the clerk, "Do you have ******?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Does it work?" asks the guy.
"Yes," he answered.
"Can I get it over the counter?" he asks.
"Well, maybe.....if you take two."
 

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $25.00."
The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the little old man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I love my fellow man anyway. If you continue over that hill to the east for about a mile, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said: "You little bastard! Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
 
A wife says to her husband, "Are you hungry for breakfast?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
A few hours later, she asks, "Do you want to have lunch now?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
Five hours later, she asks, "Well, how about dinner?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
She says, "Get the hell off me....I'm starving."
 
"What Is This Father "
😲
😘
🤣

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… “Go get your Mother.”
 
MY FIRST TIME....

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin was so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands-on were her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last, it's finished
It's all over now
Its my first time ever


At milking a cow...





NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS AND GET BACK TO WORK..
 
Snake warning!!!


Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes
(Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of
potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass
the snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still, and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by neighbors who called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the power and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her 😆
 
A group of tourists were about to go on a hike. The Park Ranger was warning them about the dangers posed by Grizzly Bears.
He said, "Problems can occur when people unexpectedly stumble across bears. We advise hikers to wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn bears of their presence. And always be alert when you know bears are in the area, especially if you see bear droppings."
One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"
"Easy," replied the ranger. "They're the ones with the tiny bells in them."
 
BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar
, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks
the biggest, meanest, biker in the face, and says: "I went by your
grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine-looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop
of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:
"I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker
still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell
you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the
shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................





"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.
 
THE LAWYER..

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck
came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's
door of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it
wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body
the shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are
so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you."

My God!" screamed the lawyer.

(scroll down)









"WHERE'S MY ROLEX?"
 
This is not a joke:
Tonight PBS on 'Secrets of the Dead,' the episode is titled: The untold story of prehistoric women.
Now, let the jokes begin...
(Your spouse cannot be used as an example.)
 
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have
never sold bottom deodorant.

The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the
that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis,
and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that
they don't stock or sell such an item, smiles at the blonde and says,
"One moment please, I will get the Pharmacist."

The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"

"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist,
who looks at it and says to the woman,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant".

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out

loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
 
A man is having marital problems, so decides to see a therapist.

The man says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper with me for no reason."

"It's getting worse," he says. "I tell her that other women I work with don't act crazy the way she does, but she doesn't listen!"

The therapist thinks for a moment, then says, "I think I have an answer for your problem."

"When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth."

"Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the man goes back to the therapist looking fresh and reborn.

The man says, "You know, that was a brilliant idea!"

"Every time my wife started berating me, I swished with water."

"I swished and swished, and after a few minutes she calmed right down!"

"How does a glass of water do that?!"

The therapist says, "The water itself does nothing,"...

"It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

😃 😄 😁 😆 😅 😂 🤣
 
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what !!
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.


He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
63 and pregnant
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?" 😈
 
❤️Things My Mother Taught Me❤️
~My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
~My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
~My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
~My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."

~My mother taught me FORESIGHT- "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
~My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
~My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
~My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

~My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
~My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
~My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
~My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

~My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
~My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like a two year old!"
~My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

"Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee" (Exodus 20:12)...
 
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
 


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