The jokes only thread....

Honeymoons Three couples went to a hotel for their Honeymoons. They were served by a guy named Bill.
The first man was married to a nurse. "Nurses are cute." Bill thought to himself.
The second man was married to a phone operator. "Phone operators have sexy voices."
Bill thought to himself. The third man was married to a teacher. "Teachers are too formal and strict.
poor guy." Bill thought to himself. After their honeymoons were over, Bill got a call from the first man.
"NEVER MARRY A NURSE! ALL I HEARD LAST NIGHT WAS 'THAT'S UNSANITARY.
THAT'S UNSANITARY'!" he screamed into the phone. A little later,
Bill got a call from the second man. "DON'T MARRY A PHONE OPERATOR!
ALL SHE SAID WAS 'YOUR THREE MINUTES ARE UP!" the man raged.
After a few more minutes, Bill got a call from the last man.
"Remember to marry a teacher, Bill. She kept saying
'we're going to do this over and over again until we get it right."
 

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were all having their lunch break in the break room.

Suddenly, a stately lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry walked in.
She grandly said, “I am Gina the Great. I’m so pleased with the way you’ve looked after my aunt that I’m going to grant you one wish each!”
Then she waved of her hand. There was a puff of smoke and the room was suddenly full of flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did indeed have the power to grant wishes.
The nurses quickly discussed among themselves who should ask for the first wish.
Eventually the nursing assistant wished first. She said, “I wish I was on a beautiful tropical island, with single, handsome young men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.”
There was another puff of smoke and the nursing assistant disappeared.
The floor nurse was next to make her wish. She said, “I wish I was rich and retired, and spending my days in my own cosy, warm cabin at a ski resort with beautiful, well-groomed men feeding me wine and chocolates.”
There was yet another puff of smoke and the floor nurse too was gone.
The lady asked the charge nurse, “Now, what is the final wish?”
The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
 

Curtis & Leroy bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can! We don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said,"We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898." The farmer said,

"Didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
 
A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
"Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
She got the raise.
 
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
 
A beautiful young lady went to a dance and she had a low-cut strapless gown on.

Around her neck, she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.

All night she noticed a young man staring at her.

In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said,..

“Oh, you like my airplane huh?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The young man smiled mischievously.

“No ma’am… I was just admiring the landing field.”
 

A lady who was pregnant with triplets was walking down the street one night and got robbed.
She refused to give the robber any money so she was shot 3 times in the stomach.
Miraculously she and all three children survived. She eventually gave birth to two females and one male.

14 years later, her first daughter came up to the lady crying and freaking out.
“Mom-mom I was peeing and a bullet came out.” The lady calmed her daughter down and explain to her what happened.

A week later her second daughter came up to the lady freaking out. ” mom- mom I had my first period
and a bullet came out” she calmed her daughter down and explain what happened.

A week after and her son come up to her crying and freaking out. The lady says.
“Let me guess… You were peeing and a bullet came out” “No” said the boy ” I was playing with myself and I shot the dog”
 
4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the 3M Company.”

The nurse tells the third guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the four seasons hotel.”

The last man is freaking out and banging his head against the wall.

The nurse asks him, “What’s wrong?
Are you okay?”

He replies, “No, I’m screwed! I work for 7UP.”
 
BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and
orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks
the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your
grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop
of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:
"I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker
still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell
you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the
shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................





"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.
 
Little Boy


Upon seeing his father nude for the first time, the little boy says, 'Daddy, how come you're so big down there and I'm so small?'

Father: 'When you grow up, you'll be big, too.'

Boy: 'Is everybody like us?'

Father: 'No, your little sister and your mother are different from us.'

Boy: 'How are they different?'

Father: 'Did you ever see a peach cut in half with the pit taken out?'

Boy: 'Yes.'

Father: 'Well, that's what your little sister looks like.'

Boy: 'What does Mommy look like?'

Father: 'Did you ever see a horse collar with the horse taken out?'
 
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?"
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish.
The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.
“What just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"
 

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