The jokes only thread....

I'm going to post this in parts because it's long. And that's how the fight started Part 1:
This is how the fights got started and why ICU is filled to the brim. A little humor for you

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?!"
And then the fight started.
 

A Frenchman, a German & an Irishman walk into a bar & each orders whiskey.
The drinks arrive & there's a fly in each one.
The Frenchman says, "Mon Dieu! I cannot drink this!"
The German flicks the fly out & gulps the drink down.
The Irishman grabs the fly, turns it upside down & yells, "Spit it out!"
 
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunken people too.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband..
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
 
Marie was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Boudreaux, you need to go out and fix da outhouse!"
Boudreaux replies, "Dere ain't nuthin wrong wid da outhouse."
Marie yells back, "Yes dere is; now git out dere and fix it."
So.......Boudreaux mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Marie dere ain't nuthin wrong wid dis outhouse cher! "
Marie replies, "Stick yur head in da hole!"
Boudreaux yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in dat hole!"
Marie says, "Ya have to stick yur head in da hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Boudreaux sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,"Marie - Dere ain't nuthin wrong with dis outhouse!"
Marie hollers back, "Now take your head out of da hole!"
Boudreaux proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, "Marie - Help! My beard is stuck in da cracks in da toilet seat!"
To which Marie replies, "Hurts, don't it?"
Join This Group If you Love To Laugh: Laugh Of The DayF79680B4-290E-49CD-B192-CE0CEA0BB888.jpeg
 
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There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery,
I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.

Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to
satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and
seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town.

When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest
about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing
finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about,
your wife fell three times this week."
 
At the marriage retreat, Amy and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words sex and love.

Amy wrote: “When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another and respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of sex with one another.”

And John wrote: “I love sex.”
 
It was high time that Paddy got married.
So, his parents called a marriage broker in Dublin and ask him to find a good wife for their son:
The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions about Paddy and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law.
They give him a long list of requirements.
The marriage broker takes a long time looking here, there, and everywhere and finally visits the family again with a prospective bride proposal.
He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found.
He says: “She’s just the right age for your son. She keeps a neat home, she is a good Catholic and knows the prayers by heart. She is a wonderful cook, she loves children, wants a large family, and to crown it all, she’s gorgeous.”
After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.
But Paddy still has some lingering doubts and asks casually:
“Is she also good in bed?”
The marriage broker answers:
“Well, some say yes and some say no.”
 
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
The women were asked,
“How many of you love your husband?”
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked,
“When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, a few yesterdays, and some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husbands –
“I love you, Sweetheart.”
Next, the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while,
you understand that these replies are a sign of true love.
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?. ……..
 

The secret to a long life​

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
 
An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in
a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’

Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.’

The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’

The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’

‘We throw them away, of course!’

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

‘We don’t. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’
 
Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, “Where are all the monkeys?”
“It’s mating season, so they’re all inside,” the zookeeper explains.
“Do you think they’d come out for peanuts,” the visitor asks?
The zookeeper asks “Would you?”
 
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell, they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up. The husband then turns to his wife and say's to his wife,

Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
 
It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - The TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
 
In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitts' sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal, however, that the sister was not as skilled with a blade as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh, causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to
be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with… a Misdeweiner!
 
Kissing the Blarney Stone
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon,
constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible Its too hot,
It's too cold and the accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone, the guide said.

Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.

We can't be here tomorrow, the nasty woman shouted. We have some other boring tours to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone.

Well now, the guide said, it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone,
you'll have the same good fortune.

And I suppose you've kissed the stone, the woman scoffed.

No, ma'am, the irritated guide said, but I've sat on it.
 
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying.
1st Child: Why are you crying?
2nd Child: I came here for a blood test.
1st Child: So? Are you afraid?
2nd Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the first one started crying profusely.
The second one was astonished.
2nd Child: Why are you crying now?
1st Child: I came for a urine test!
 
Steven was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother said, "Well dear..." "The stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too", she replied.
Somewhat irritated, but peaceful, he asked, "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?"
His mother replied, "Well darling, the stork brought them too!"
After a week Steven submitted his report, on which was written: 'This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth
in my family for generations
 
Three friends, an architect, an artist and an Italian engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with your wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The Italian engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" But, how? Asked other two.
Engineer: "If you have a wife and a mistress, both of them assume you are spending time with the other woman. You can go to the lab and get some work done."
 
Italian Casanova
An Italian was driving his sports car along the Amalfi coast when he saw a beautiful girl hitchhiking. He stopped the car and offered the girl a ride. He went in ‘Casanova-mode’ and leaned over to pull the girl close.
She didn’t object so he took it a step further. He drove to his house and took the girl to his bedroom where they made passionate love. After an hour he rolled on his back.
He look over to the girl and asked: (in Italian voice) “you finish?”. The girl giggled and said no.
The guy couldn’t believe what he heard. He was a superb lover, so he leaned over her and started making love to her again. He used all his creativity and after 2 hours he was exhausted.
He rolled off the girl panting and asked her again: “you finish?”. The girl giggled again and said no.
The Italian went nuts. He, the greatest lover couldn’t make a girl orgasm? He started round 3. After 3
hours of working through all the positions of the Kamasutra the Italian rolled of the girl, heavily breathing and sweating. He asked her again: “you finish?”. The girl giggled and said: “No, I’m Swedish”.
 

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