The jokes only thread....
- Thread starter Pappy
- Start date
I Love Grandmas
Here's a quote from someone who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II, my second husband died in Korea, one of my sons died in Vietnam, a Grandson died in Desert Storm, all so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up you're a** and open it."
Here's a quote from someone who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II, my second husband died in Korea, one of my sons died in Vietnam, a Grandson died in Desert Storm, all so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up you're a** and open it."
A MISUNDERSTANDING
A young carry-out guy at a grocery store was helping a lady by carrying several bags of groceries to her car. While walking through the parking lot, the lady remarked to the man, "You know, Hon, I have an itchy-pussy." Probably, she was talking about her pet Siamese cat that has an irritating skin disease. But the young man didn't interrupt it that way because he said, "Just point to it, Lady. I can't tell one Japanese car from another."
in case you didn't already know this little tidbit of wonderful trivia...............
on july 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
his first words after stepping on the moon,
"that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.
but, just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut.
however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'good luck, Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
on July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about Mr.Gorsky, and
this time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had just died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.
here is the answer to
"who was Mr. Gorsky?":
in 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
his friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by their bedroom window.
his neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
as he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky,
"sex! you want sex?! you'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
it broke the place up.
Neil Armstrong's family confirmed that
this is a true story.
on july 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
his first words after stepping on the moon,
"that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.
but, just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut.
however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'good luck, Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
on July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about Mr.Gorsky, and
this time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had just died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.
here is the answer to
"who was Mr. Gorsky?":
in 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
his friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by their bedroom window.
his neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
as he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky,
"sex! you want sex?! you'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
it broke the place up.
Neil Armstrong's family confirmed that
this is a true story.
The North vs. The South
The North has Bloomingdale’s.
The South has Dollar General.
The North has coffee houses.
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services.
The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives.
The South has .45s.
The North has double last names.
The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races.
The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat.
The South has grits.
The North has green salads.
The South has collard greens.
The North has lobster.
The South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt.
The South has the Bible Belt.
Tips For Northerners Moving South
If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "ya’ll" is singular, "all y’all" is plural, and "all y’all’s" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain’t from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don’t be worried about not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective "big’ol" truck or "big’ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin’" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y’all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain’t gonna call ‘em biscuits.
The South has Dollar General.
The North has coffee houses.
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services.
The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives.
The South has .45s.
The North has double last names.
The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races.
The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat.
The South has grits.
The North has green salads.
The South has collard greens.
The North has lobster.
The South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt.
The South has the Bible Belt.
Tips For Northerners Moving South
If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "ya’ll" is singular, "all y’all" is plural, and "all y’all’s" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain’t from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don’t be worried about not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective "big’ol" truck or "big’ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin’" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y’all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain’t gonna call ‘em biscuits.
MickaC
Well-known Member
- Location
- Manitoba, Canada
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
WARNING: ONLY Read This, Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared & consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, & even after two cups of coffee (& all of you know what I mean), nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder & lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint & supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart & began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time......The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom, they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, & before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint & stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, & I began to move up the aisle & out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner & asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, & I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, & apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses & running, was to stand there blinking & waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw, an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud & echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store & firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, & I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, & disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished & I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me & said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager's going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose &, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises & asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without the supplies I needed, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went shopping at Lowe's. I can't say any more about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the whole store.
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared & consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, & even after two cups of coffee (& all of you know what I mean), nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder & lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint & supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart & began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time......The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom, they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, & before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint & stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, & I began to move up the aisle & out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner & asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, & I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, & apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses & running, was to stand there blinking & waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw, an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud & echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store & firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, & I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, & disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished & I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me & said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager's going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose &, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises & asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without the supplies I needed, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went shopping at Lowe's. I can't say any more about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the whole store.
THE ELECTRIC FENCE & LAWN MOWER
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one
you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but "he tells it like it is" without cursing.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod and drove
it 7 1/2 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
way. -------- It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all!!
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of
an upside-down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned
back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point, I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by
International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point, I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
"Damn!," I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think, "Oh
God, please die .... Pleeeeaze die." But nooooo, it settles into the
rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller
cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe
in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple-check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one
you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but "he tells it like it is" without cursing.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod and drove
it 7 1/2 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
way. -------- It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all!!
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of
an upside-down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned
back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point, I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by
International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point, I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
"Damn!," I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think, "Oh
God, please die .... Pleeeeaze die." But nooooo, it settles into the
rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller
cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe
in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple-check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Pappy
Living the Dream
Paco Dennis
SF VIP
- Location
- Mid-Missouri
If you lose something in an old-age home, don't stop until you've searched every nook and granny.
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Colonoscopy Journal . . .
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring, and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurting. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic, I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily, I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first, I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Haha,' I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea.
Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'.. and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring, and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurting. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic, I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily, I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first, I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Haha,' I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea.
Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'.. and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus. She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.
Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.
A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.
She turned around, slapped him across the face & screamed: "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."
Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.
Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.
A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.
She turned around, slapped him across the face & screamed: "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."
Marie5656
SF VIP
- Location
- Batavia, NY
Any friends here of Polish background will enjoy this one.
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Three men went to Las Vegas and after losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends
decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters.
So the first man went up to their father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters.
So the first man went up to their father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She gets up to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye & takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks.
The husband says, "I was just thinking about when we first met 20 years ago & started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember?"
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring & sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied.
The husband asks, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face & said, "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to prison for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek & says, "I would have gotten out today."
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks.
The husband says, "I was just thinking about when we first met 20 years ago & started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember?"
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring & sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied.
The husband asks, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face & said, "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to prison for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek & says, "I would have gotten out today."
A week after their marriage, the redneck went to the doctor’s office.
“You ain’t gonna believe this, Doc,” said the husband. “My whacker’s turnin’ blue.”
“That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.”
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck’s really is blue.
The doctor turns to the wife, “Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?”
“Yep, sure am,” she replied brightly.
“And what kind of jelly are you using with it?”
“Grape.”
“You ain’t gonna believe this, Doc,” said the husband. “My whacker’s turnin’ blue.”
“That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.”
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck’s really is blue.
The doctor turns to the wife, “Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?”
“Yep, sure am,” she replied brightly.
“And what kind of jelly are you using with it?”
“Grape.”
Now, this is the truth!
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument..
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument..
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
A man comes home...
To find his wife sitting seductively on the couch in sexy lingerie. She looks at him coyly and asks, "Have you ever seen a dollar all crumpled up?"
The man replies, "No..."
His wife reaches near her breast and pulls out a crumpled-up $1 bill. She then asks him, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"
"Not that I'm aware of." Says the man with a puzzled look on his face.
His wife pulls a $50 bill out of her garter, crumples it up, and throws it at his feet.
She then asks him, "Have you ever seen *fifty thousand dollars* all crumpled up?
"I'm certain that's something I've never seen." Her husband says with confidence.
His wife says, "Go look in the garage, I wrecked the car"
To find his wife sitting seductively on the couch in sexy lingerie. She looks at him coyly and asks, "Have you ever seen a dollar all crumpled up?"
The man replies, "No..."
His wife reaches near her breast and pulls out a crumpled-up $1 bill. She then asks him, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"
"Not that I'm aware of." Says the man with a puzzled look on his face.
His wife pulls a $50 bill out of her garter, crumples it up, and throws it at his feet.
She then asks him, "Have you ever seen *fifty thousand dollars* all crumpled up?
"I'm certain that's something I've never seen." Her husband says with confidence.
His wife says, "Go look in the garage, I wrecked the car"
A teenager walks into a pharmacy & tells the pharmacist: "I need a dozen condoms. My girlfriend's parents are leaving town tonight, & we're gonna bang our brains out."
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"
The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."
His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."
The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"
The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."
His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."
The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."