The jokes only thread....

An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers shaves and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."

Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him,
turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
 
A drunk naked woman jumped into a taxi and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old driver answered, “Let me tell you something, lady I wasn’t staring at you as you think.”

The drunk woman responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at me, then what are you doing darling?”

He paused a moment, then told her… “Well, M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am thinking to myself, “Where in the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?”
 
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband told me not to call his employer until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, “Would you like me to call the funeral home now?”

With a puzzled look, the nurse quickly said, “Ma’am, he’s not that sick!”
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, who is deaf, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. When the Godfather confronts Guido about the missing $10 million, he brings his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is.
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him.”
Guido is scared and signs back, "OK. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
 
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?"
 
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair & sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs & split everything 50/50. The farmers lived 60 miles apart. So they agreed to drive 30 miles each & meet at a field where they let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5:00am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, drove the 30 miles & met the other farmer in the field.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the station wagon again & proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for a week.
One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside & tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon & one of them is honking the horn."
 

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.​

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And did you bring something home for me?"

"Something, did I forget?" she asks.

"The Italian girl I asked for," he replies jokingly.

"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
 
An out-of-breath 7-year-old girl ran up to her grandfather,
who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the
universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”

He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age but thought
if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer.
He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all
the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon
her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen,
as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity.
His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”
 
One day a boy asked his father, “Dad, what is between mom's legs?” The father reply, “The door to heaven!”
“Then what is between yours?” – the boy asked. The father said, “The key to the door!” Then the boy said,
“I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.
 
A man took his 5-year-old son to a horse auction with him. The kid watched with interest as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up & down the horse's legs and chest.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Before I buy horses, I have to make sure they are healthy and in good shape."
The kid, looking worried, said: "Dad......I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?”
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does that tell you, Tonto?”
“You dumber than rocks. It means someone stole our tent.”
 

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