The jokes only thread....

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a rolling bed by the nurse and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room, the nurse leaves the young girl behind the surgery room door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches takes the sheet away and starts examining the patient's naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.
When a third man starts examining her body so close yet again, the girl grows impatient and says, "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders. "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
 

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to see a gynecologist. The doctor took one good look at this woman, and his professionalism was a thing of the past. Right away, he told her to undress.
After she has disrobed, he began to stroke her thigh. As he did, he said to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she said. "You are checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "Correct." said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," said the woman. "You are checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replied the doctor. He then gradually proceeded to have sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes."
 
custody battle
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy,
but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge
that since she had brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children,
so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine,
and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me
or to the machine?





DON'T LAUGH . . . HE WON!
 

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.
In an equally loud voice, he replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT SEX CHANGE SURGERY. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
 
An 86-year-old man was having his annual checkup. He bragged to the doctor: "Hey, doc. I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. How 'bout that?"
The doctor thought for a moment & said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was a skilled hunter but one day he left home in a hurry & accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Later that day, he came face-to-face with a huge Grizzly Bear. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear & squeezed the handle. And the bear immediately fell to the ground & died.
"That's impossible," said the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," said the doctor.
 
Funny-Jokes-for-kids-7.jpg
 
Misa sent me this web page of 100 Dark Humor jokes this morning....I laughed at these in the first 25...

"A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
"

https://parade.com/1295709/marynliles/dark-humor-jokes/
 
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The sailor came home from a secret two-year mission only to find his wife with a newborn baby.

Furious, he was determined to track down the father to exact revenge.

“Was it my friend Sam”, he demanded.

“No !” his weeping wife replied.

“Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked.

“NO !!!” she said even more upset.

“Well which one of my no good friends did this then?” he asked.

“Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she yelled!
 
A talk about Sex

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, “At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.”
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.
When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went, and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said.
“Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,” his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.

The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, “I heard my husband had to make a speech last night.
How did it go?”
His mate said smiling, ‘Oh, it was excellent!
Your husband is clearly very experienced!.”

The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, “Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick.”
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle, he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins ......
 
*Twenty Differences between Fishing and Sex

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you
once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't
have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with
long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel
guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object
if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by
yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are
really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy
Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell
Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting
sued for Fishing harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to
subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your
life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest
in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy
your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last
week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?!*
 
MY FIRST TIME....

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever



At milking a cow...



NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS AND GET BACK TO WORK..
 
Snake warning!!!


Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes
(Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of
potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass
snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About th at time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in betwee n the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through he window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by neighbors who called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wi res and put out the power and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her
 
Proud To Be White

Someone finally said it.

How many are actually paying attention to this?

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans,

Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc.

And then there are just Americans.

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.

You Call me "White boy," "Cracker," "Honkey,"

"Whitey," "Caveman" .. and that's OK.

But when I call you, ******, Kike, Towel head, Sand-******,

camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ... you call me a racist

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you,

so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United ***** College Fund. You have Martin Luther King

Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You

have Yom Hashoah You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi You have the NAACP.

You have BET.


If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) . we'd be racists.

If we had a White Pride Day .. you would call us racists.

If we had White History Month . we'd be racists.

If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" OUR lives ..

we'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of

Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.

Wonder who pays for that?

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships

.... you know we'd be racists. There are over 60 openly proclaimed

Black Colleges in the US , yet if there were "White colleges" .

THAT would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching

for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights,

you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're

not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride .

you call us racists.


You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer

shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running

from the law and posing a threat to society . you call him a racist.

I am proud.

But, you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists?

There is nothing improper about this e-mail.

Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on.
 
The Lone Ranger

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Lone Ranger was captured by an enemy Indian war party. The chief proclaims "So you are the great Lone Ranger. I will execute you in three days but before I do, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone ranger says "I'd like to speak to my horse"

The chief nods, and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear.
Silver then gallops off and returns an hour later with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
The blonde enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night there. Next morning the Indian chief
admits he is impressed "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I am still going to kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought before him and he again whispers in his ear. Silver gallops across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
That evening, to the chief's surprise, Silver returns with a brunette even more beautiful than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night with him.

The following morning the chief is again impressed "You are indeed a brave man of many talents, with a very clever horse, but tomorrow you die. What is your last request?" the Lone Ranger says
"I want to speak to my horse.................alone" The chief is curious, but agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they are alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye, and says loudly "Listen very carefully you deaf old dumb ass horse......................

.............. For the last time........Bring possee !!!"
 
An old farmer went into town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
"That's my pet rooster, Chucky. Whever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The farmer went around the corner & stuffed the bird in his pants. He bought a ticket, entered the theater & sat down next to two old widows, Mildred & Marge. The movie started & the rooster began to squirm. The farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out.
"Hey Marge," whispered Mildred. I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants & he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."
"You're right," said Mildred. "But this one's eatin' my popcorn."
 
Don't wash your hair in the shower!!!

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT


WARNING TO US ALL!!!

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!


I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very

clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering

with Dawn dish washing soap instead.
 
A woman goes into a bar and sees a handsome cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

She can't stop staring because the cowboy has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks him if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy winks and says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"

The woman figures why not and spends the night with him.

The next day she walks into the bar and hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing, he says, "I'm flattered, ma'am, nobody has ever paid me for my services before,"

To this the woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit!"
 
COWBOYS

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down
next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real
cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking
colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences,
pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning
my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and
feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found
out I'm a lesbian."
 


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