The jokes only thread....

Everything has a gender:
ZIPLOCK BAGS: Male, Because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
SHOES: Male, because they're usually unpolished with their tongues hanging out.
PHOTOCOPIERS: Female, because once turned off, they take a while to warm up.
TIRES: Male, because they go bald & are often overinflated.
SPONGES: Female, because they're soft, squeezable & retain water.
THE SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
AN HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because they haven't evolved much but they're handy to have around.
A REMOTE CONTROL: Female, because it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, & while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on trying.
 

Sorry in advance to any blondes out there...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."
 
A Manager of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning against a wall.
He asks the clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk explained, "Well, he came in this morning to get something for his cough. We're out of cough syrup so I gave him a bottle of laxative & suggested he drink the whole thing."
You idiot!" yells the Manager. "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Of course you can," says the clerk. "Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
 

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat & the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes & was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up & get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the American. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe & spat in it several times. When the American returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd like a coke too."
Again, the American obligingly went to get it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up his other shoe & spat in it several times.
When the American returned, they all sat back & enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.
"How long must this go on - this fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
 
John was sitting outside his local pub, enjoying a pint of vodka when a nun appears & starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself, young man! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" she says.
John asks, "How do you know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so," replies the nun.
"But have you ever had a drink yourself?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Of course I have never had a drink."
"Then you can't be sure that what you're saying is right. I'll tell you what. Let me buy you a drink. After you've tried it, if you still believe it is evil I will give up drinking for life."
"I'm a nun. What will people think if they see me drinking?"
"I'll get the bartender to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The nun reluctantly agrees, so John walks up to the bartender, lowers his voice & says, "Another pint for me & a triple vodka on the rocks & could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Ah," says the bartender. "That nun again?"
 
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed that the man sitting across from her was staring & smiling at her.
She moved to another seat.
The same man smiled at her even more, so she moved again.
Now the man started chuckling. She moved to another seat. Then the man burst out laughing.
After she moved for the 4th time, she complained to the driver & he called the police & they arrested the man for harassment.
When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"
The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, she sat down under a sign that said, "The Doublemint Twins are Coming," so I smiled.
Then she moved & sat under a sign that said, "Try Logan's Liniment To Reduce Swelling," & I had to smile.
Then she moved again & sat under a sign for a deodorant ad that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick," & I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time & sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident,"........I just lost it."
 
For decades, two statues, one male & one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"Since you've been such exemplary statues, I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes & during that time, you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
They immediately dashed for the bushes with grins on their faces. There was lots of giggling & shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, they emerged from the bushes with smiles on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking.
The female statue turned to the male statue & said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down & I'll poop on its head."
 
A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
 
The Best Divorce Letter ever!
My Dear husband:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years &
I have nothing to show for it and the last 2 weeks have
been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today
which was the last straw. Last week, you came home &
you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked
your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching
your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you
don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Wife.
P.S. - Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to
New Zealand together! Have a great life!

REPLY:
Dear Ex-wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good
woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining. I DID notice when you got a hairdo last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'
Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say
something nice, I didn't comment.....and when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER
because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.
About the new nightie:
I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it,
& I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed
$300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when
I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2
tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you
always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar
from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
 
A Christmas Story
>
> When four of Santa's elves
> got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
> as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel
> the Christmas pressure.
> Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her
> Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even
> more.
> He went to harness the reindeer,
> he found that three of them were about to give birth
> and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven
> knows where.
> When he began to load the sleigh,
> one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the
> ground and all the toys were scattered.
> Frustrated, Santa went in the
> house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.
> In his frustration, he
> accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke
> into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the
> kitchen floor.
> He went to get the broom and
> found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of
> the broom.
> Just thenthe doorbell rang, and
> an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open,
> and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
> tree.
> The angel said very cheerfully,
> 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
> lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where
> would you like me to stick it?'
> And so began the tradition of the
> little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot
> of people know
> this.
 
No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts
and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said We've got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.


The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money
and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?


Sally said "No"

Jerry said She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile



The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......



The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We're outta here!
 
A blond is busy cooking and turns around to find the stove engulfed in flames.
She immediately calls the fire dept., and and starts screaming fire, fire. The fireman says, lady calm down, where are you. The blond replys in the kitchen. No says the fireman, how no we get there. Duh! firetruck, says the blond.
 
THE DACHSHUND

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog."
 
A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills ...

The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it! He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well ... you pay ten dollars ... and IF you pass three tests you get all the money!!!"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up! "What are the three tests?"

"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules." So the man give him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar ... "OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do ...

FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila ... the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE ... and you CAN'T make a face while doing it ...

SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth ... You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS ...

THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse ... You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."

The man is stunned ... "I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is ..."

The man has a few drinks... then a few more... Finally ... he asks, "WHERRRRE'S ZAAAT TEQUIIIILA?!"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp ...Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face ...

Next ... he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up ... The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside ...

They hear the pit bull barking ... the guy screaming ... the pit bull yelping... and then SILENCE .

Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar ... with his shirt ripped ... and large, bloody scratches all over his body ...

"NOW ........" he says ......

"WHERE'S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH???!"
 
The government did a survey on the nations greatest psychologists to see exactly how good they were.

They were each given 200 drug addicts, 1 sheet of paper, and a pencil. After a few hours they were called back in and asked how they did. Many had made no progress when one stood up and stated he had gotten 50 to stop drugs immediately. In disbelief he was asked how.

Simple he stated, on one side of the paper I drew a circle and said this is your brain. On the other side I drew a very small circle and said this is your brain on drugs. Immediately 50 stopped using drugs.

At this time another psychologist stood up and said that's nothing, I got all 200 of my addicts to drop their habits immediately. Then he was asked how. Simple he said, on one side of the paper I drew a circle and said this is your brain. Then on the other side, I drew a really big circle and said this is your butt hole when you go to prison.
 
Fisherman Hubby

One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.

'What terrible weather today honey,' he said to her.

'Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!'
 
A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.

When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

The child looked up and said, 'Whatcha doin'?'

'Why, the same thing you're doing', replied the uncle.

'Ma's gonna be mad', said the boy. 'The pot's on this side'.
 
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
-----------------------------------------

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me ..
your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for
------------------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

--------------------------------------------
How old would you be
if you didn't know how old you are?
----------------------------------------------

When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------

You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.

----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------

Old age is when former classmates are so gray
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A WELL PLANNED LIFE????

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,
Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,
"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference!"
 
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and
took their drink order.


"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for
dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but
why have you only ordered beer all evening?"


You're gonna LOVE me for this....




The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
 
Message
It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum. All the patients were standing out in the courtyard and singing, "Ave Maria", and singing it beautifully.





Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.





A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor. "I am a retired choir director", he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."





"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.





"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"





"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call them the Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam. But I said it was too long and, anyway, none of them were from Siam. Then, another thought The Pencil Leads was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."





"Well," the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"





"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor.


They all


agreed to


call themselves"...


are


you


ready


for


this?...























"THE MORON TAPANAPPLE CHOIR"
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle, he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins ......
 
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed & he was feeling worn out & depressed. As soon as he arrived home, his wife started yelling at him: "It's midnight....What have you been doing all night......? Where the hell have you been.....? Dinner is cold & I'm not reheating it....!"
Too tired to argue with her, he poured himself a drink & went to take a shower. His wife followed him to the bathroom, continuing to yell at him. While he was in the shower, the phone rang. It was her husband's office & she was given a message for her husband - that his client, James Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go into the bathroom to give him the good news. When she opened the bathroom door, her husband had just stepped out of the shower & was drying himself off.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around & screamed, "Dammit woman....don't you ever stop?"
 

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