The jokes only thread....

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the Univ. of Alabama and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Alabama women.
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A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. that night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
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Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Alabama was overhead saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama." When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
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The young Alabama man came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young Alabamian answered. "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
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NEWS FLASH- Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Alabama students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
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An Alabama State Trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
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An Alabama man had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Ten he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, " I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."
 

WAL MART AND THE RETIRED

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband
go with her to Wal Mart, but he gets bored with all the shopping
trips.
He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.
Here's a letter sent to the Mrs.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban
both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our
video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr Fenton are
listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Wal Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins
to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "NO ! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"

And last, but not least ....

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,
Wal Mart
 
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Hell Freezes Over-this is a supposedly genuine answer in a University of Washington exam..
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell Breaks Loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell Freezes Over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Tasha during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Tasha kept shouting "Oh, my God!"

The student received the only "A" in the class
 
A man tells a priest: "Father, I want to make a confession. During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

Priest: "Bless you, my son. That's not a sin; don’t you realize you saved his life?”

Man: "But I charged him rent."

Priest: "Well, that wasn't very nice, but you still helped your fellow man."

Man: "Father, do I have to tell him the war is over?"
 
A married woman is cheating on her husband but she doesn’t know that her 6 yr-old son is hiding in the closet, watching.

Suddenly the front door opens & the wife says: “Oh, no, my husband came home early; you better hide in the closet.” He grabs his clothes & runs into the closet. Just as he closes the closet door, he hears a little voice next to him: “It’s dark in here.”

The boyfriend says: “Shhhh...your father is out there & if he sees me, he’ll kill me.”

The kid says: “It’s dark in here.”

The boyfriend says: “Look, I’ll give you $10.00, just be quiet.”

The kid says a little louder: “It’s dark in here.”

The boyfriend says: “Here’s $50.00, just be quiet.” The kid says “OK” & takes the money. Later, the boyfriend runs out the back door.

The next day, the father is about to go shopping & his kid says: “Daddy, I want to go with you.” At the store, the kid sees a bicycle he really wants & says: “Daddy, can I have that bicycle?”

The father says: “I’m sorry, son, it cost $50.00 & I can’t afford it, maybe we’ll get it for Christmas.

The kid takes the $50.00 out of his pocket & says: “Here’s $50.00, daddy; buy the bike."

The father says: “Where did you get that money?”

The kid says: “I can’t tell you.”

The father says: “You better tell me!”

The kid says: “No, I’ll never, ever tell you!”

The father takes the kid to a church next door & tells the priest: “I want to know where my son got $50.00.”

The priest takes the kid into the confession booth & slides the door shut.

The kid says: “It’s dark in here.”

The priest says: “Don’t you start that crap again!”
 
Honeymoon
A man and a woman get married and are on their honeymoon.
The woman walks out of the bathroom in a robe, the man says take off
your robe we're married now. The woman says ok and takes off her robe.
Then the man asks if he can take a picture of her and she asks why and the
man says "So I can carry you with me."
A few hours later the man comes out of the bathroom in a robe.
The woman says take off your robe were married now.
The man says ok and takes off his robe. The woman asks if she can take a picture
and the man askes why and the woman says
"So I can have it enlarged!"
 
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet
with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the
3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you,
but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9-millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant,
cocks the trigger, and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back,
"OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
"He says...go to hell... ...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger
 
Life After Marriage
Daniel and Jessica, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.
When they got back, Jessica immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked,
'How was the honeymoon, dearest?' 'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful.
So romantic...' Then Jessica burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we
returned home Daniel started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never
heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come to get me and take me home....
Please Ma.' 'Calm down, Jessica!,' said her mother,
'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?' Still sobbing, Jessica whispered,

'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'
 
Paul, an accomplished juggler was driving to his next performance in Baltimore when he is stopped by the Highway patrol. 'What are these
matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?' enquires the cop.
'I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act,' announces
Paul amiably. 'Oh yeah?' says the doubtful cop. 'Let's see you do it then.'
Sighing, Paul the juggler climbs out of his motor and starts juggling the
blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch.
'Wow,' says the driver to his wife. 'I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now.'
 
Going out to eat at an upscale restaurant, we noticed our waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Curiosity got the best of us so I asked him the reason for the spoon. The waiter said corporate had hired an efficiency consultant to find ways employees could save the company money.

"The consultant found spoons are the most dropped piece of silverware by diners. Spoons are dropped on the floor approximately 17% more often than the other items of silver. If we have a replacement spoon in our shirt pocket, we don't have to walk back to the kitchen and return with a clean spoon. Saves lots of employee costs over time."

A little later, we noticed the same waiter had a string hanging from his pants zipper. So, still curious, I inquired about the string.

"The same consultant suggested all male waiters tie a string to the end of their male *******ia. When we have to use the restroom, we can pull it out with the string... never touching it. Therefore, we don't have to take time to wash our hands before returning to the restaurant floor. Saves substantial employee time."

I had to ask, "If you don't touch it by using the string to remove it from you pants, how do you return it inside the pants without touching it?"

"We use the spoon!"
 
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."


"Not if you're going to watch TV, there ain't," she replied.
 
This girl walks into the doctor's office to get her breasts checked and the doctor sees a big 'S' on her body. "What is that from?" the doctor queries.
"My lover goes to Stanford and even when he is making love he wears his Stanford sweatshirt."
Soon after, another girl walks in to get her breasts checked and the doctor notices a big 'Y' on her body. "What's that from?" he asked. "My lover goes to Yale and he loves it so much that he wears his sweatshirt even when we make love."
Another girl walks in and a big 'M' is on her chest. "Let me guess, your lover goes to Michigan," the doctor said.
The third girl replied, "No, but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."
 
My doctor gave me one year to live. I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved!!

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off!

My wife is really upset that I have no sense of direction. She packed up her stuff and right.

I was digging in my back yard and found a chest full of gold coins. Was going to head into the house and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

What's the difference between having a Lamborghini and a dead body in your garage. I don't have a Lamborghini in mine.
 
Been around---but it's a new year



I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
 

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