The jokes only thread....

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says, "Get gas and free sex here".

So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.

"Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier
.
"Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied.

"Nope! Sorry play again".

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked: "This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex!"

He screamed.

"Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!"​
​
 

WHAT MARRIED MAN THINKS


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.


She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.


She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.


He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.


She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...


'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.


The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.


The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.


The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.


'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'


'I remember that too' she replies softly.


He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...


"I would have been released today..!!!"
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[FONT=&quot]A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?""Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?""OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?""Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea.

""Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
 

aoc-question-jpg.200408
 
date:
Do you know the history of today's date?
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.


This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.


The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.


The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.
 
Pappy said:
date:
Do you know the history of today's date?
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.


This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.


The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.


The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.
Click to expand...

Interesting trivia: Here in CA, Hellman's is called "Best Foods." A cooking show reviewed it & the chef said "Best Foods Mayonnaise is known as Hellman's, east of the Rockies." I looked closely at the bottle & it says that.
 
Brunette Smarts

A brunette who can't stand blondes is walking in the forest when all of a sudden she sees a magic lamp on the ground. Thinking to herself,
"It always works in the movies," and so proceeds to pick up and rub the lamp. A genie immediately emerges from the spout and says,"I will grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, all the blondes in the world will receive double the amount you receive.
Do you understand?" "Yes I understand," says the brunette, "and for my first wish, I want you to give my an incredibly handsome man."
"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 incredibly handsome men?"
asks the genie. The brunette replies yes and so an incredibly handsome man pops up beside her.
"For my second wish," says the pleased brunette, "I want you to give me 1 million dollars."
"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 million dollars?" said the genie.
The brunette replies yes and a large pile of money pops up on her other side.
Growing even more excited the brunette says calmly, "Lastly - you see that stick over there?
I want you to beat me half to death with it."
 
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"


THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."


A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.


THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.


THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.


THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.


THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"


THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.


THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:


1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
 
A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

"I'd love a cold beer right now," he told the genie.

Poof. A cold beer appeared.

Then the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."

Poof. He was on an island with gorgeous women swarming all over him.

The man said, "Oh, man, this is the life. I wish I never had to work again."

Poof. He was back at his desk in his government office.
 
An accused murderer’s defense attorney was questioning a pathologist who performed the autopsy on his client’s victim.

Lawyer: “Doctor, Before performing the autopsy, did you check the victim for a pulse?”

Pathologist: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s respiration?”

Pathologist: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s blood pressure?”

Pathologist: “No.”

Lawyer: “So, doctor, you never really established that the victim was dead, did you?”

Pathologist: “Well, his brain was in a jar next to the table, but I suppose he could still be out there practicing law.”
 
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Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat & the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes & was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up & get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the American. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe & spat in it several times. When the American returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd like a coke too."

Again, the American obligingly went to get it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up his other shoe & spat in it several times.

When the American returned, they all sat back & enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.

"How long must this go on - this fighting between our nations?

This hatred?

This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
 
THIS IS A MUST READ.......BRILLIANT ����������


Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.


The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..


She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."


Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".


Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.


Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.


"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."


The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."


He lost 33 lbs that week.
 
Kids are Smart

The Principal of an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, she said, ​
​
“ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
A girl in the back of the class rises her hand and says, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”​
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​
A teacher in a kindergarten school was asking the little kids to tell her the uses of light.
Bernard said: We use it to see in the evening when the sun sets.
Gerard said: It is useful so that we can read in the evening.
Luc said: We need it for TV and radio etc.​
​
When all kids said what they thought; little timid Isabelle raised her hand.
- Yes, Isabelle, what else we use the light for?
- We eat it. Said Isabelle
- What do you mean, honey?
- I don't know. But I heard my mother saying to my father last night:
"Switch the light off and put it in my mouth.”
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​
“Why don’t you smile?” the teacher asked little Peter. “I didn’t have any breakfast,”
little Peter replied. “You poor dear,” said the teacher. “But to return to our
geography lesson, little Peter: Where is the Canadian border?” “in bed with Mom –
that’s why I didn’t have breakfast!”​


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​
​
An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.
The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these
are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.
Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"
Officer says "yes".
Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?​
 
I called the Psychic Hotline Network for a reading.

The lady said, "I see a really big phone bill in your future."
 

Hot Grandpa

Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher.

Teacher: "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"

Johnny: "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandpa got burnt yesterday."

Teacher: "Was he burned very bad?"

Johnny: "Yes Mam, they don't muck around at these crematoriums you know."
 
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence? " He said, "Damn if I know. " She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son,sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence? " "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know. " The father jumped up in the back,pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it! "
 
A 5-year-old girl is taking care of her mother who is sick. She makes a cup of tea for her.
After her mother drinks it, she says, "Thank you. That was great, honey. Where did you learn to make tea?"
The child says, "I watched the teacher make it in school. I couldn't find the tea strainer, so I used the fly swatter."
Noticing the worried look on her mother's face, she said, "Oh, don't worry mom. I didn't use the new one; I used the old one."
 
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, ‘I have a reason to thank the Lord.’
‘Two months ago, my husband, John, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.’
‘The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.’
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor John experienced.
She continued, ‘John was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain.’
‘We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.’
‘They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of John's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.’
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on John.
She continued, ‘Now, John is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.’
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, ‘I'm John and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum'.
 

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