The jokes only thread....

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. They continue shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
 

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
 
A husband went to the police department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
 

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
 
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
 
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
 
Shirley and Sophie are elderly widows.
One day they see a new, nice looking guy come into the
indoor swimming pool of a building with them.
Sophie says, "Shirley you know I'm shy. Can you go over to
the other side of the pool and try to get to know about that guy."
Shirley goes over to the other side and asks the guy "Are you single?"
"Yes, but I've been in prison."
"Why?"
"I strangled my third wife."
"What about your second wife?"
"I got in a fight with her and she fell out the window."
"And your first wife?"
"I shot her."
Then Shirley calls to the other side to Sophie and says "Yoo hoo, he's single!"
 
A woman consulted her doctor to ask for his help in reviving her husband's libido. “He just doesn’t care about sex anymore,” she said.
"I suggest ******," said the doctor.
"Not a chance," said the woman. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Just drop it into his coffee," said the doctor. "He won't even taste it. Give it a try & call me in a week to let me know how things went."
A week later, she called the doctor & said, "It was just terrible.....terrible, I tell you! I slipped it into his coffee just as you suggested & the effect was immediate! With one swoop of his arm he sent cups & tablecloth flying, he ripped my clothes off & took me then & there, right on the table! It was an absolute nightmare!"
"What do you mean?" asked the doctor. Wasn't the sex good?"
"Oh, yes, doctor. It was the best I've had in 25 years. But we're not allowed in Starbucks again."
 
A woman walked into a bar in Austin & saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. She asked the cowboy if it was true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned & said, "Why sure, little lady! Why don't ya come on out to the bunk house & let me prove it to ya?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100.00 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well thank ya, ma'am.....I'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, "Take the money & buy yourself some boots that fit."
 
An old farmer went into town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
"That's my pet rooster, Chucky. Whever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The farmer went around the corner & stuffed the bird in his pants. He bought a ticket, entered the theater & sat down next to two old widows, Mildred & Marge. The movie started & the rooster began to squirm. The farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out.
"Hey Marge," whispered Mildred. I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants & he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."
"You're right," said Mildred. "But this one's eatin' my popcorn."
 
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed & he was feeling worn out & depressed. As soon as he arrived home, his wife started yelling at him: "It's midnight....What have you been doing all night......? Where the hell have you been.....? Dinner is cold & I'm not reheating it....!"
Too tired to argue with her, he poured himself a drink & went to take a shower. His wife followed him to the bathroom, continuing to yell at him. While he was in the shower, the phone rang. It was her husband's office & she was given a message for her husband - that his client, James Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go into the bathroom to give him the good news. When she opened the bathroom door, her husband had just stepped out of the shower & was drying himself off.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around & screamed, "Dammit woman....don't you ever stop?"
 
A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, "So you're a priest. That's interesting; I'm a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace."

The priest replies, "Oh, yes, I agree. It's a miracle that we survived and are here together."

"And here's another miracle," says the rabbi. "My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune," he says, handing the bottle to the priest.

The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.

"Aren't you going to have any?" asks the priest.

"Not right now," says the rabbi. "I think I'll wait until after the police make their report."
 
A group of tourists were about to go on a hike. The Park Ranger was warning them about the dangers posed by Grizzly Bears.
He said, "Problems can occur when people unexpectedly stumble across bears. We advise hikers to wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn bears of their presence. And always be alert when you know bears are in the area, especially if you see bear droppings."
One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"
"Easy," replied the ranger. "They're the ones with the tiny bells in them."
 
It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus. She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.
Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.
A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.
She turned around & slapped him across the face & screamed: "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."
 
What’s in a name ?
A psychiatrist was conducting a Group Therapy Session with five young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated. “ I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children."

To the first mother, he said: "Mary, you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum: "Ann, your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names of Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, "Joyce: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: of Brandy and Sherry. You have even called your cat: Whisky."

He then turned to the fourth Mum: "June: Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne, and Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up from her seat, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about, grab Fanny and Willy, we're leaving..."
 
images
 
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
 
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
 
Sassycakes said:
What’s in a name ?
A psychiatrist was conducting a Group Therapy Session with five young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated. “ I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children."

To the first mother, he said: "Mary, you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum: "Ann, your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names of Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, "Joyce: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: of Brandy and Sherry. You have even called your cat: Whisky."

He then turned to the fourth Mum: "June: Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne, and Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up from her seat, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about, grab Fanny and Willy, we're leaving..."
Click to expand...
Rude but funny
 
A 4th grader asked her mother, "How did I get here?"
"God sent you," replied her mother.
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma & Grandpa," asked the child.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here," said the child. "No sex in this family for 200 years!"
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?”
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does that tell you, Tonto?”
“It tell me you dumb. It means someone stole our tent.”
 
We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy. He gave me some pills to feed him once per day. They really worked! The bull started to service all of my cows within two days. He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!" I don't know what the hell was in those pills, but they kind of taste like peppermint.
 
An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man. In an equally loud voice, he replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
 
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. His mother phoned to ask how he was. A nurse said, “No change yet.”

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects
 

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