The jokes only thread....

A Loving Husband
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, “Maggie — put your hat and coat on, lassie.”

She replied, “Aw, Jock, that’s nice, are you taking me tae the pub with you?”

“ Nae,” Jock replied.
“ I’m turning the heat off while I’m out.”
 

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A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair & sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs & split everything 50/50. The farmers lived 60 miles apart. So they agreed to drive 30 miles each & meet at a field where they let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5:00am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, drove the 30 miles & met the other farmer in the field. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the station wagon again & proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside & tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon & one of them is honking the horn."
 
win231 said:
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair & sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs & split everything 50/50. The farmers lived 60 miles apart. So they agreed to drive 30 miles each & meet at a field where they let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5:00am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, drove the 30 miles & met the other farmer in the field. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the station wagon again & proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside & tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon & one of them is honking the horn."
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First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.



The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary

medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a

doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything

involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.



The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but

eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.



When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
 
“With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”
“No”, said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked:“Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?”
No I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now” she said:
“Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”“No way” he said becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:
“Good go look in the garage !
 
Farmer and 3 Daughters
There once was a farmer who had three daughters who
were all going out on their first dates on the same night.
The farmer being protective of his daughters,
decides to meet their suiters at the front door with a shotgun.
The first date comes to the door and the father opens up and the lad says:
"Hi my name's Joe,
I'm here for Flow.
We're going to the show.
Is she ready to go?"
The father looks the guy over and sends the kids off on their date.
Next lad arrives:
"My name's Eddie,
I'm here for Betty.
We're going to get some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The father felt this guy was okay too so off the kids went.
The final young man arrives and rings the bell and the farmer opens up.
The boy started off:
Hi, my name's Chuck-"
And the farmer shoots him.
 
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight
and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big
dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very
expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them.
Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out,
but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis,
but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe
what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."
The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says
" You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
 
Ken N Tx said:
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.


He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”


She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”


“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”


She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”


The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”


“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”


The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”


“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”


The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”


LOL! Keep smiling! <3 ENJOY!!
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Now THAT'S funny!
 
Pappy said:
Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school! "As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear! " The 4-year-old gives a fearful look. The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'! " The 4-year-old agrees with reservation. They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast? "The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios! "He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking. Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast? "The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma... But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios! "
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That one made me laugh out loud!🤣
 

A Farmer and His Mule




An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
 
A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness
and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor.
After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there
was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or
early 80's model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor.
"Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find,
and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor,
"but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
 
A woman gets a call rom her cousin, asking for $300.00 to help her pay her rent.

Just before sending her the money, her aunt called & said, "Your cousin is lying. She wants $300.00 to bail her boyfriend out of jail so they can both be under the same roof for his birthday."

She decided to give her cousin the money, anyway. A couple of hours later, she got a call from jail. It was her cousin crying, screaming and asking why she gave her counterfeit money.

She replied, "Well....so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday."
 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale - only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back; we can't afford them," demands the wife.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband says,"So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
 

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