The jokes only thread....
- Thread starter Pappy
- Start date
MickaC
Well-known Member
- Location
- Manitoba, Canada
MickaC
Well-known Member
- Location
- Manitoba, Canada
Pappy
Living the Dream
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
My Husband just sent me this joke because I am Italian
A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.
The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.
The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information.
But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell.
"How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."
A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.
The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.
The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information.
But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell.
"How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
So I sent him this because he is Irish !
Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.
Irish saying – There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women: young men, old men, and middle aged men.
Irish diplomacy – the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip
The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? — A bachelor
Irish Blessing – As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way
You can’t kiss an Irish girl unexpectedly. You can only kiss her sooner than she thought you would
The Irish way – Now don’t be talking about yourself while you’re here. We’ll surely be doing that after you leave.
What do you call an Irishman who sits outside all night? Paddy O’ Furniture
Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.
Irish saying – There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women: young men, old men, and middle aged men.
Irish diplomacy – the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip
The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? — A bachelor
Irish Blessing – As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way
You can’t kiss an Irish girl unexpectedly. You can only kiss her sooner than she thought you would
The Irish way – Now don’t be talking about yourself while you’re here. We’ll surely be doing that after you leave.
What do you call an Irishman who sits outside all night? Paddy O’ Furniture
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed,
and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”,
said her good friend Mary, “maybe you should go see a psychic?
One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her
feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”
So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room
with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice.
“Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,” was her reply.
“Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie asked.
“He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke”
said the psychic. “Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar.
Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar.
I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he
is or how I could get one to him?” Questioned Suzie urgently.
“Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across
to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause,
“he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”
and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”,
said her good friend Mary, “maybe you should go see a psychic?
One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her
feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”
So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room
with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice.
“Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,” was her reply.
“Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie asked.
“He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke”
said the psychic. “Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar.
Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar.
I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he
is or how I could get one to him?” Questioned Suzie urgently.
“Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across
to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause,
“he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”
Lewkat
Senior Member
- Location
- New Jersey, USA
A woman rubbed a lamp & a genie came out.
“Do I get three wishes?” she asked.
“No,” says the genie. “I’m a one-wish genie. What’ll it be?”
The woman says: “See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace.”
The genie says: “They’ve been at war for years. I’m not that good. Pick something else.”
The woman says: “Well, I’d like to find a good man. One who’s considerate, loves kids, helps with the housework & doesn’t watch sports all day.” “Okay,” the genie says with a sigh, “Let me see that map again.”
“Do I get three wishes?” she asked.
“No,” says the genie. “I’m a one-wish genie. What’ll it be?”
The woman says: “See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace.”
The genie says: “They’ve been at war for years. I’m not that good. Pick something else.”
The woman says: “Well, I’d like to find a good man. One who’s considerate, loves kids, helps with the housework & doesn’t watch sports all day.” “Okay,” the genie says with a sigh, “Let me see that map again.”
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, who is deaf, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. When the Godfather confronts Guido about the missing $10 million, he brings his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him.”
Guido is scared and signs back, "OK. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him.”
Guido is scared and signs back, "OK. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus. She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.
Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.
A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.
She turned around & slapped him across the face & screamed: "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."
Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.
Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.
A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.
She turned around & slapped him across the face & screamed: "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."
Lewkat
Senior Member
- Location
- New Jersey, USA
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
A cowboy went into a rural Arizona saloon that still had a hitching post. He had a beer. He left and discovered someone had stolen his horse. He walked back in the saloon, fast drew his colt, twirled it around and shot a hole in the ceiling and said, “Whichever one of you coyotes that stole my horse, best return it.” Silence. “Ok, I am going to sit down have one more beer and if my horse isn’t returned, I will do what I did in Laredo, Texas and I HATE doing what I did in Laredo, but I will do what I must,” He said with one hand on his holstered Colt.
He finished his beer and went out and saw his horse hitched. As he mounted, the bartender came out and said. ”Hey cowboy, just curious, what happened in Laredo?” The cowboy shrugged and said, “I had to walk home.”
He finished his beer and went out and saw his horse hitched. As he mounted, the bartender came out and said. ”Hey cowboy, just curious, what happened in Laredo?” The cowboy shrugged and said, “I had to walk home.”
Bill and Sue were at the country fair. Sue wanted to go on an antique open cockpit airplane ride. She said it is ONLY ten dollars. Bill said no because ten dollars is ten dollars. They argued and the pilot got upset at their bickering and said if they could both take the ride and say NOT ONE WORD, then the ride was free. If they said one word or even made a sound, it was ten dollars.
The pilot did all kinds of tricks, determined to collect his ten dollars. Bill got dizzy and fell out when they were flying upside down. They landed and the pilot said, “Well the ride is free. Hey, where is Bill.” Sue says, “Oh he fell out on the upside-down thing. He has dizzy spells when on his head.” “What,” the pilot gasp. “Why on earth did you not say something when he started getting dizzy?” “Because as Bill said, ten dollars is ten dollars,” Sue replied.
The pilot did all kinds of tricks, determined to collect his ten dollars. Bill got dizzy and fell out when they were flying upside down. They landed and the pilot said, “Well the ride is free. Hey, where is Bill.” Sue says, “Oh he fell out on the upside-down thing. He has dizzy spells when on his head.” “What,” the pilot gasp. “Why on earth did you not say something when he started getting dizzy?” “Because as Bill said, ten dollars is ten dollars,” Sue replied.
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Lewkat
Senior Member
- Location
- New Jersey, USA
Pappy
Living the Dream
Well COVID-19 has finally affected me financially. I’m needing to make some extra money
on the side to compliment my full-time gig.
So...
I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys. I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. 
Discretion is 
% guaranteed!!
I am more than willing and able to demonstrate any items for you. Ask for yours anytime!
I have everything listed below.
- Walkers
- Wheelchairs
- Oxygen tanks
- Canes
- Disposable Diapers
- Denture Glue
and lots more!
on the side to compliment my full-time gig.So...
I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys. I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. Discretion is % guaranteed!!I am more than willing and able to demonstrate any items for you. Ask for yours anytime!
I have everything listed below.
- Walkers
- Wheelchairs
- Oxygen tanks
- Canes
- Disposable Diapers
- Denture Glue
and lots more!
Lewkat
Senior Member
- Location
- New Jersey, USA
Well COVID-19 has finally affected me financially. I’m needing to make some extra money
So...
I am more than willing and able to demonstrate any items for you. Ask for yours anytime!
I have everything listed below.
- Walkers
- Wheelchairs
- Oxygen tanks
- Canes
- Disposable Diapers
- Denture Glue
and lots more!
Well COVID-19 has finally affected me financially. I’m needing to make some extra money
So...
I am more than willing and able to demonstrate any items for you. Ask for yours anytime!
I have everything listed below.
- Walkers
- Wheelchairs
- Oxygen tanks
- Canes
- Disposable Diapers
- Denture Glue
and lots more!
Do you offer dental implants for dentures? I need a few more because I am tired of the glue.
Good one!!!
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
This guy’s wife gets a cat and he hates it. So one day, while his wife is gone to work, the guy puts the cat in the back seat of the car, drives a few blocks, and lets the cat out. When he gets home, the cat’s sitting there on the front porch.
So the next day, the guy waits until his wife leaves for work again, then throws the cat in the car, drives a mile away from the house, and tosses the cat out. When he gets home, the cat’s sitting there again on the front porch.
Well, the guy’s furious. So he waits until the next day, then throws the cat in the car and drives as far and fast as he can, making all the turns and doubling back he can to throw off the cat. He dumps out the cat and heads home, but realizes he can’t figure out where he is.
So that afternoon, his wife comes home and answers the ringing phone. It’s her husband. He asks, “Is the cat there?”
She says, “Yes.”
The guy says, “I’m lost. Put the cat on the phone.”
So the next day, the guy waits until his wife leaves for work again, then throws the cat in the car, drives a mile away from the house, and tosses the cat out. When he gets home, the cat’s sitting there again on the front porch.
Well, the guy’s furious. So he waits until the next day, then throws the cat in the car and drives as far and fast as he can, making all the turns and doubling back he can to throw off the cat. He dumps out the cat and heads home, but realizes he can’t figure out where he is.
So that afternoon, his wife comes home and answers the ringing phone. It’s her husband. He asks, “Is the cat there?”
She says, “Yes.”
The guy says, “I’m lost. Put the cat on the phone.”