The jokes only thread....

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God

(wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants).
A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh, " Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno" Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should
have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece
of cake for you? lol! lol! lol!
 

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river...
... her thimble fell l into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family .
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked
The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
 
A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”*

*A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of
life is four little animals, just like my Grandma always says”. *

*The teacher asked, “Really?! And what four little animals would that be?”
*
*Smiling, the little girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for it all.*

*The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.*
 
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever
the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.


After 6 children, this started to get expensive, & the congregation decided to
hold another meeting, to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of
yelling & inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional
children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair,
and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as
He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain's also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers"
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
 
The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.



The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.



The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."



The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."



So the King continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky.



The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.



Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.



The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."



So the King hired the donkey.



And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.



The practice is unbroken to this date.
 
TOOLS EXPLAINED



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'



DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.



TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.



UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.



ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.



SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
Just for Blondes

A man is sitting on his porch when he notices two blondes working down the road. They both have shovels. One of them digs a hole and the other immediately fills it in. The man watches them for a few hours and finally approaches them, "You guys look like you're working hard. But I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish."

One of the blondes replies, "Well there's usually three of us, but the one that plants the trees is sick."

***********************************************************************************


Two blondes are hanging out and one of them pulls out a make up mirror. She is stunned saying "There's a face in there. She looks so familiar."

Her friend grabs the mirror, looks in it, and says "You're such an idiot. That's me!"
***********************************************************************************

Three blondes come to a river but can't figure out how to get across. One blonde says, "God, make me a fish so I can swim across the river." So she becomes a fish and swims across the river.

The next blonde woman says, "God, give me a canoe so I can make it across this river." A canoe pops up in the river and she makes it across.

The final blonde says, "God, make me smarter so I can make it across." Poof! She turns into a man and crosses the bridge.
 
A little old Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband Jacob know as soon as I get home," said the little old Amish lady.
"That's fine," said the officer.
"Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the little old Amish lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, what exactly did he say?" said the husband.
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure," said the little old Amish lady, "something about the emergency brake...."
 
Pappy said:
TOOLS EXPLAINED



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'



DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.



TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.



UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.



ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.



SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Click to expand...
@Pappy I read this to myself and cracked up laughing then I re-read it to my husband who was (and still is) a mechanic all his working life and we both cracked up laughing so much we had tears in our eyes.
Huz could relate to everything on your list of tools
Thank you for making us laugh so much :giggle:
 
peramangkelder said:
@Pappy I read this to myself and cracked up laughing then I re-read it to my husband who was (and still is) a mechanic all his working life and we both cracked up laughing so much we had tears in our eyes.
Huz could relate to everything on your list of tools
Thank you for making us laugh so much :giggle:
Click to expand...

‘My pleasure.... Thank you.
 
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