The jokes only thread....

Three guys frequent a Chinese restaurant. They constantly give the poor waiter a hard time – demanding water & tea refills every few minutes, hardly spending any money, making a big mess at the table, making fun of the waiter’s Chinese accent & never leaving a tip.
The waiter never complains.
Finally, after many such visits, one of the jerks says to the waiter: “We feel bad about how we’ve been treating you, so from now on we’re going to respect you & today, we’re even going to leave you a big tip."
“Ah, wonderful,” says the waiter. “Now I can stop pissing in your tea.”
 

Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait
to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian
baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college
so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired,
“What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year
or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
 
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.
Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse.
When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now.
You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"
 

Family Finances

A couple was having a discussion about family finances.

Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money,

the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear,

if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
 
Experiencing Depression

A business man's wife was experiencing depression.

She began to mope around and be sad, lifeless--
no light in her eyes--no spring in her step--joyless.

It became so bad that this "man of the world"

did what any sophisticated person would do.

He made an appointment with the psychiatrist.

On the appointed day, they went to the psychiatrist's office,

sat down with him and began to talk. It wasn't long before

the wise doctor realized what the problem was.

So, without saying a word, he simply stood,

walked over in front of the woman's chair,

signaled her to stand, took her by the hands,
looked at her in the eyes for a long time,

then gathered her into his arms and gave

her a big, warm hug. You could see the change come

over the woman. Her face softened, her eyes lit up,

she immediately relaxed. Her whole face glowed.

Stepping back, the doctor said to the husband,

"See, that's all she needs." With that, the man said,

"Okay, I'll bring her in Tuesdays and Thursdays each week,

but I have to play golf on the other afternoons."
 
The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the House."
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know
that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then you're going to draw me a bath
so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?"




His wife replied, "The funeral director"!
 
Colonel Patrick Miller was arrested for running after a woman
through a hotel lobby, both of them entirely naked. Brought up on charges,
he got off on a technicality. As his lawyer pointed out, it is not necessary
for an officer to be in uniform provided
he is properly attired for the sport in which he is engaged.
 
A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she
asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me
to get together with my dear departed husband?
He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
"John Smith," replies the woman.
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot
of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we
can identify people by their last words.
Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes!
I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with
another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."



"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith
 
Male Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess

Will you marry me? The Princess said NO...

and so the Prince lived happily ever after

and rode motorcycles and became a Marine and made

love to skinny big breasted woman and hunted and

raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women

half his age and drank whiskey beer and patron tequila

and never paid child support or alimony and ate what

he wanted and screwed cheerleaders and kept his house

and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work

and all his friends and family thought he was friggen

cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and

left the toilet seat up....................The end
 
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” John tells his friend Bob. “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” Bob suggests. “But what if my wife finds out?”
“Heck, this a new age we live in John. Go ahead and tell her about it!” So Bob goes home and says,
“Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.” “Forget it,” says his wife.

“I’ve tried that _ _ it’s never worked.”
 
Man's view on Marriage
1..Twice a week, we go to nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays I go on
Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds, hers is in Ontario and mine is in
Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
maker.. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to
sit-down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off .
9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, " Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."
10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right; I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
 
Definitions of Children

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
PRENATA
When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.



 
A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession.
I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green
twice a week for the last two months."This time the priest asks,
"Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread a part.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies;
"No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."
 

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