The jokes only thread....

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.



At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.



The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were

back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.



But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.



Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
 
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to
me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage,
fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and
my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?
"She said, "I can't remember where I live!
 
A Man lived in Apartments and one evening he opened the window to see if it was raining.

He opened his hand and a Glass Eye fell into it from above!.

He looked up and saw a very attractive looking young Woman.

He.. " Is this yours? ".

She.. " Yes, it is, thank you so much for catching it ".

He.. " I will bring it up to you ".

He goes up to her Apartment and she is very profuse with her thanks and says ," Would you like to join me for Dinner, I have plenty ".

He says.. " Thank you, yes, I would be delighted ".

After Dinner, she says, " I like you very much, would you like to stop the night with me? ".

He, noticing how Beautiful she was, with a gorgeous figure, says " Yes please... Do you always invite strangers in for the night? ".

She looks coy and replies...

" Only those who catch my Eye ".
 
A group of tourists were about to go on a hike. The Park Ranger was warning them about the dangers posed by Grizzly Bears.
He said, "Problems can occur when people unexpectedly stumble across bears. We advise hikers to wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn bears of their presence. And always be alert when you know bears are in the area, especially if you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked, "How do we identify bear droppings?"

"Easy," replied the ranger. "They're the ones with the tiny bells in them."
 
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you…don’t bother coming after me”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I’m coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.

She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread; be back in five minutes.”
 
The Difference Between Man and Woman!

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.
 
GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOUR


A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.


She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication,
got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.


She found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."


She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.


Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.


A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.


She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys
in my car. I must get home.


Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"


He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in
less than a minute the car was open.


She hugged the man and through tears said
"Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."


The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man.
I just got out of PRISON yesterday,
I was in prison for car theft."


The woman hugged the man again sobbing,
"Oh, thank you God!
You even sent me a Professional!"


Is GOD Good or What!?

_________________
*************************************************
 
A local bakery decided to hire a part-time
counter person and ended up with a local co-ed
who could work evenings and weekends.
She had one eccentric characteristic
(which was unknown when she was hired)
in that she wore short skirts and no underwear.
Needless to say she was a real beauty and had a
figure to die for. The bakery has a small storefront
so it was necessary to have the various products
on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the
uppermost items. The item that had previously
been least popular but was fast becoming the
most popular with gentlemen in particular was
raisin bread, which was kept on the uppermost
shelf. One day an elderly gentleman came in
and ordered a loaf of bread.


The young lady without thinking scurried up the
ladder and then realized she had not asked the
gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted so
she nodded and asked, "Raisin?" "No", he replied
"but it is beginning to twitch just a little.
 
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after

His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.

My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.

Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said,

'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
 
Wife: I found Aladin’s lamp today.


Husband: Wow, what did you ask for darling?


Wife: I asked him to increase your brain power by ten times.


Husband: Oh… love you so much.. Did he do that?


Wife: He laughed and said multiplication doesn’t work with zero.
 
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