The jokes only thread....

I woke up from my operation and said "Doc what did you do to me"?

"As you asked, I gave you a frontal lobotomy".

"No doc, I said I wanted a bottle in front of me."
 
Three psychiatrists are talking about their jobs.
One says: "People are always coming to us with their problems, but we have no one to go to with our own problems. Since we are all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?"
The first psychiatrist says: "I'm a compulsive shopper & I'm deeply in debt, so I over bill patients as often as I can."
The second psychiatrist says: "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently write false prescriptions for my patients so I can get the drugs."
The third psychiatrist says: "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
 
A teenager walks into a pharmacy & tells the pharmacist: "I need a dozen condoms. My girlfriend's parents are leaving town tonight, & we're gonna bang our brains out."
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"
The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."
His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."
The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."
 
Had to pass this one forward (not sure it its already been posted);

60TH Birthday Treat

​

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 60th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.



She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"



The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.



She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."



"But I didn't use them."



'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."



"But I didn't go to any of those shows."



"Well, we have them, and you could have."



No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.



After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.



The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"



"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."



"But I didn't!"



"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
 
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Joey standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and had small United States flags mounted on both sides of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Joey.”

“Good morning Father,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Father, what is this?”

The pastor said, “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Joey’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30
 
Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the OPP with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Premier said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns"; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Trudeau said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any Prime Minister
 
Do you drink beer?

Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: What color is your Ferrari?
 
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birth

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.


On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.


‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way
to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out,
‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
 
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.



So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car, and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room, and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we? I didn’t respond.



After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal… Some shopping, cleaning, and cooking. After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, Mommy, where is my washcloth?

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.


Never going back to that doctor again…Never.
 
Patient to Gyno: Doctor when you examine me, do you use two fingers or one?

Gyno: Just one, why?

Patient: Could you start using two, I need a second opinion.
 
On hearing that her 99-year-old grandfather had died , Susan went to her 98-year-old grandmother's house she asked her grandmother how he died. "well, he had a heart attack during our Sunday morning sex," said granny. Susan was somewhat aghast to hear that her grandparents were risking their lives making love at that age. "We did it to the church bells," said granny." Nice and slow, in on the ding out on the dong."

Granny paused and wiped her tears away.

"He'd be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come by."
 
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said: “Up until last week, I still had it all!!! A cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school …

”Life was good “What happened? I asked : Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. “No, no … I got out of prison.”
 

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said.

My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.” Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks …. so how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.” The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:”Had Graeme circumcised.”
 
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice:

“Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.”

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.

The astonished man continued walking to the crosswalk.

The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “Where the hell were you when I got married last week?”
 

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