The jokes only thread....

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.​

renderTimingPixel.png

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
 

blob (1).jpg

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice:

“Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.”

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.

The astonished man continued walking to the crosswalk.

The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.



“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “Where the hell were you when I got married last week?”
 
A burglar was moving quietly in a dark house one night when he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He froze immediately, and after a minute of holding perfectly still, he began to wonder whether he had only imagined the voice. He opened a drawer and began removing silverware, and again he heard the voice: "Jesus is watching you." Again he froze in the darkness, and as soon as he began moving again, he heard the voice a third time: "Jesus is watching you." Looking around, he saw no other person, but finally noticed a parrot in a cage, in the moonlight near the window. "Hey, parrot," he said softly. "Was that you saying 'Jesus is watching you'?"
The parrot said, "Yep." The man said, "Well, you're a very smart parrot. What's your name?" The parrot replied, "Clarence." At this the man began laughing. "'Clarence'? 'Clarence'? What idiot would name a parrot 'Clarence'?"

The parrot replied, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
 
A man and his wife check into a hotel.
The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed. Suddenly a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room and throws her onto the floor.

Irritated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager.

The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

“Look, lie here on the bed — you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”

So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in."What are you doing here?
"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?" the manager says
 
Logical conclusion...

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, the Irish Department of Agriculture reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet near Ballyhaunis, Co Mayo, Mick O'Connor,
a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely feck all.
Mick has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone
wireless."
 
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old
Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the
mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's running around with.'
 
The Real Boss

When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be the Boss. The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be Boss. The Legs argued that since they took the Man wherever he wanted to go, they should be the Boss.

The Stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be the boss. The Eyes said that without them, Man would be helpless, so they should be Boss. Then the Asshole applied for the Job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the Asshole got mad and closed up.

After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and were unable to see. They all finally conceded and made the Asshole Boss.

Moral of the story? You don't have to be a Brain to be Boss…just an Asshole.
 
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic.
I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.


The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me

The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
 
A man was out walking when he saw a blind man with his guide dog. Suddenly the dog stopped, lifted iits leg and peed all over the blind man's trousers. The blind man put his hand in his pocket, took out a dog biscuit and gave it to the dog.

The man was amazed and walked over to the blind man. "You must really love your dog. He pees all over you and you give him a biscuit. That's true love."

The blind man replies "Love? I only gave him a biscuit so I know where his head is so I can kick him in the ass."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top