The jokes only thread....

A man enters an elevator, and the operator asks him what floor he wants.​

The man says "Eighteenth floor." After arriving, the doors open and the operator says "We are here, my son."
The man says "Thanks, but why did you call me your son?"
The operator replies "Because I have brought you up."
 
A little boy was plaing in the closet in his parent's bedroom when he saw his father come into the bedroom with the next door neighbour's wife and indulge in some extra curricular activity. Later that day he told his mother what he'd seen.

When his father came home later that evening she screamed at him "I'm leaving you, you unfaithful swine." He asked her what she meant and she said "Go on Jimmy, tell your daddy what you saw."

Little Jimmy said "Well daddy I was in the closet when you came in with Mrs. Smith. You kissed and cuddled and then you both took your clothes off and got into bed and then you started doing what mommy did with the mailman last week."
 
An elderly man presented his wife with a sable coat for her seventieth birthday. "Oh darling it's beautiful, but how on earth did you get the money to buy such an expensive gift?"

"Well my dear it's quite simple. Every time we had sex I put a dollar into a special bank account."

His wife replied. "Oh, if only I'd given you all my business!"
 
An amputee kept putting off telling his fiancée that he only had one leg. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.

"Honey, I have a confession to make."

"What is it, dear?"

Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.

"Wow!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."
 
A husband takes his wife to a dance. There's a guy on the dance floor moonwalking, brake dancing, back flipping and spinning like a dervish.

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 40 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

The husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating."
 
Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
 
Why???
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why did someone put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Why do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Why did we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why, when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why do some push the elevator button more than once to make it arrive faster?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
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If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
 
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