The jokes only thread....

Don’t know if this is true … but definitely made me laugh 😂😂😂😂
Sex __ The hard way!

Women's Anger can change the history of Mankind.

US Astronaut Neil Armstrong was the 1st man to walk on the Moon, on 20th July, 1969, 52 years ago.

As Commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, when Neil Armstrong set foot on the Moon, his 1st words were:

"One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind!"

That was televised all over the world, and millions heard it.

But just as he re-entered the Lunar Lander, he made the enigmatic remark:

"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky!"

Many people at NASA wondered who that casual remark was directed at.

Upon checking, it was found that there was no Mr Gorsky in either the Soviet or the US Space Programs.

Over the years, Neil Armstrong was repeatedly asked the background to that remark about Mr Gorsky.

In response, Armstrong only smiled but never gave any explanation.

Finally, on July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, a reporter once again asked Neil Armstrong, the 26-year-old question, about Mr Gorsky.

By this time, Mr. Gorsky had passed away, so Neil Armstrong felt able to answer the question.

In 1938, when Neil Armstrong, as a kid in a small mid-western town, was playing Baseball with a friend in his parents' backyard, they hit the Ball into their neighbours' backyard, below their bedroom window.

Neil Armstrong went to fetch the ball & heard the neighbour's wife Mrs. Gorsky, yelling at Mr Gorsky:

"Sex! You Want Sex?!?
You'll get Sex when the kid next door walks on the Moon!!!"

Neil Armstrong's family have subsequently verified this story as truth.

Women!!!🤔 In their anger, can change the history of mankind.
 

Sassycakes said:
HEAVEN AND HELL
HEAVEN IS
The police are British
The chefs Italian
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss

HELL is where:
The police are German
The chefs are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
and it's all organized by the Italians!!
Click to expand...

********************


A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”



“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”



“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”



“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”



Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”



“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
A senior couple goes to the doctor. The doctor first visits the husband:
- Everything seems to be fine. Are you having problems?
- Well, nothing special but when I make love with my wife, the first time, there are no problems at all. But, the second time I feel very sweaty and this annoys me.
After having visited the wife, the doctor asks her a question:
- To me, everything is ok but your husband says when you are having sex, that the first time there are no problems while the second time he gets very sweaty. Do you know the reason for that?

- Sure, doctor. The first time is in January. The second is in August.



 
The devil is in the details….

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
 
Divorce Proceedings
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you
to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week,"
the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning,"
he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the
apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'
 
A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire".
The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." > Her husband asks,
"Is that your final answer?" > She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend."
And that is how the fight started!
 
The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he told them. To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating.
Why you've even named your daughter Candy." The second, he said, was obsessed with money.
"Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother
arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."
 
A woman comes home and tells her husband,

“Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”

“No more headaches?”

the husband asks, “What happened?”

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,…

“I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.

It Worked! The headaches are all gone.”

The husband replies,

“Well, that is wonderful.”

His wife then says,

“You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don’t you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”

The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment,

The husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says,

“Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He goes into The Bathroom and comes back.

A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”

The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.”

He goes back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,

“Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

With That, He goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him, and there, in the Bathroom,

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“She’s not my Wife.

She’s Not my wife.

She’s not my wife…”

* * * * *

His funeral services will be held on Friday.
 
Jack fears his wife of 52 years, Irene, isn’t hearing as well as she used to, but is not sure how to raise it, given her sensitivity over getting older. The family doctor gives him the best way to at least confirm she is going deaf. “Stand about 10 metres away, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to eight metres, six metres, and so on until you get a response.” That evening, Irene is in the kitchen cooking dinner, so Jack positions himself by the TV and in a normal tone asks, “What’s for dinner, darling?” No response. So he moves to the dining room table: “Irene, what’s for dinner?” Nothing. So, he comes right to the kitchen door, and says conversationally, “Darling, what’s for dinner?” Still nothing. Saddened but determined, he moves right up behind her. “Irene, what’s for dinner?” “For God’s sake, Jack, for the FOURTH time, CHICKEN!”
 
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines' brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"
 

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. “Father’s date of birth?” she asked. When I told her, she said, “Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son’s birth?”

“No, I hadn’t thought about it,” I responded, “but now that you mention it, I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date.”



After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, “Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday.
 
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.
"They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose, and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "The Plane doesn't leave until tomorrow afternoon."
 
Two friends, both married, decide to have fun on a Saturday night. They go to a night bar to find a prostitute. After having negotiated the price and split the check, the first one goes into the
room with the woman. Once he is out, the friend asks him: - Tell me, how it was?
- Not bad but my wife is better.
Ten minutes after, the second man leaves the room and the friend asks him:
- So...?
- You were right. Your wife is better.
 
An elderly priest talks to his assistant:
- Mark, do you know that yesterday somebody stole my bike? I don't know what to do about it.
- Father, I would suggest that you do this: during Sunday Mass you speak of the Ten Commandments, and when you arrive at that "do not steal", raise your voice strongly. I will watch people and the one who gets the most upset is probably the man who stole The bike.
So Sunday came and the priest went over the ten commandments, but when he got to the one that forbids stealing he didn't raise his voice, as Mark expected. After mass, the assistant approaches the priest and asks him:
- But father, why, while you were saying not to steal, did you not shout, how did we agree?
- You know Mark, there was no need. When I got to the one "do not commit adultery", I remembered where I left my bicycle.
 
The whole hospital was amusingly surprised when a 70-year-old man became the father of a kid, with a 20-year-old girl.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow, saying: "This is amazing. How did you do it at your age?"
The 70-year-old answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The next year, the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said: "You're amazing. How do you do it?" He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."
Again, the third consecutive year, his wife gave birth to another kid.
The nurse then said: "Well, well, well!!! You certainly are quite a man!"
Now, the old man said, "You've got to keep that old motor running"
The nurse said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."
 
Lincoln, a young man, wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Lucy something nice for their fifth wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone and he explains all the features on the phone.
The next day, Lucy goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's Lincoln: "Hi honey", he says "how do you like your new phone?"
And she replies: "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though".
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?" asked Lucy.
 
A CEO texts his wife:
First text: Honey, my Secretary and I are on our way to Aruba. I am leaving you.
Second text: I’m gonna talk to our accountant and our lawyer, I’m taking the house and Porche.
Third text: I cheated on you with your roomate in college. She was much better in bed than you.
Fourth text: OMG plane having engine trouble, may have to bail out
Wife texts back:
First text: Honey, the accountant and I are already on our way to Hawaii.
Second text: Honey, he has two brothers, one is your plane’s mechanic and the other repairs your plane’s parachutes
Third text: Happy landings lovebirds!
 
I was at the checkout of a local Wally World.
The cashier rang up $46.64 charges.
I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave the money back to her and told her that she
had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated
and knew what she was doing, and she returned the money,
again. I gave her the money back -- same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.
~They Walk Among Us!
I walked into a Starbacks with a
buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.
I handed it to the girl and she looked over at
a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'
"They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said,
"so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free lattes, and I walked out the door.
~They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends,
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"
~They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate
agent which direction was north; because, he explained,
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East,
and has for sometime; she shook her head and said,
"Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."
~They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked
what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open
24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
~They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
~They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed
that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought two cases.
The cashier multiplied two times 10%
and gave us a 20% discount.
~They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
so I went to the lost luggage office and
told the woman, there, that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry, because,
she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.
"Now, she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the
airport, 3rd in line to land."
~They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza place, I observed
a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him
if he would like it cut into four pieces or six.
He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into four pieces . . .
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces."
Yep . . .
~They Walk Among Us!
Bless their hearts! ..............













​





oops
 
What do you call facts that aren't true?

Think about it ....

A little more, maybe ...

Give up?

Lies! Lies are facts presented as true whn in fact they are not true at all.
Sassycakes said:
I was at the checkout of a local Wally World.
The cashier rang up $46.64 charges.
I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave the money back to her and told her that she
had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated
and knew what she was doing, and she returned the money,
again. I gave her the money back -- same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.
~They Walk Among Us!
I walked into a Starbacks with a
buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.
I handed it to the girl and she looked over at
a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'
"They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said,
"so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free lattes, and I walked out the door.
~They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends,
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"
~They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate
agent which direction was north; because, he explained,
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East,
and has for sometime; she shook her head and said,
"Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."
~They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked
what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open
24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
~They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
~They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed
that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought two cases.
The cashier multiplied two times 10%
and gave us a 20% discount.
~They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
so I went to the lost luggage office and
told the woman, there, that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry, because,
she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.
"Now, she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the
airport, 3rd in line to land."
~They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza place, I observed
a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him
if he would like it cut into four pieces or six.
He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into four pieces . . .
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces."
Yep . . .
~They Walk Among Us!
Bless their hearts! ..............













​





oops
Click to expand...
I wish there were a vaccine for stupidity and obstinacy. Maybe in time but sadly now would seem to be the best time! But yes, bless their misinformed and stubborn little hearts!
 


Back
Top