The jokes only thread....

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A farmer’s wife is tending to his prized donkey when it rears its hind legs and kicks her right in the head, knocking the life out of her in an instant.

The funeral took place a few days later, and the farmer’s friends consoled him one by one.

As this was happening, the pastor looked on and saw the farmer shaking his head “no” to all the ladies, but he was nodding his head “yes” to all the men.

The pastor asks him: “Why were you shaking your head no to your wife’s friend but nodding your head yes as your friends walked past?”

“It’s simple.” The farmer stated. “The women asked if I needed anything, and I said no.”

“Alright, so what about the men?” The pastor asks.

“They asked if they could borrow the donkey.”







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Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!
Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"

father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."
 
Sassycakes said:
Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!
Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"

father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."
Click to expand...

I've decided not to be pessimistic. It probably wouldn't work anyway.


**
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Carol listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men.
"Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
"Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
**
 

A Hillbilly gets married, and on his wedding night, he calls his father for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before.
"We're in the bedroom pa what do we do now?".
Thinking that nature would take its course the father said"take her clothes off and then you both get into bed".
The Hillbilly calls his dad five minutes later she's nekid and we're in bed what do I do now?".
Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box,his dad asks"did you take your clothes off too?".
"No" his son replies
"Well take off your clothes and get into bed with her ".
The son calls back a few minutes later and says "we're both nekid and in bed what do we do now?".
The father's patience is quickly running out and he growls"just stick the hardest thing on your body where she pee's!".
The son calls back a minute later"okay pa I've got my head in the toilet
 
All married men died.
The crowd is standing before St. Peter.
He yells:
"All of you, who used to be afraid of your wives when you were alive, move to my left. The rest, remain here..."
The entire crowd except one man moved to the left...
St. Peter sees the lone man standing there, walks closer to him and says:
"Hey there!
"Hello!" the man responds...
"Are you ok?"
"Sure!"
"Ummm... did you hear what I said before?"
"I sure did!"
"What did I say? Could you repeat it, please?"
"You said that all men who used to be afraid of their wives should move yonder."
"Annnd... Why are you still standing here?"
"Oh, I'm sorry... My wife told me to stand here and not move an inch!"
 
Sassycakes said:
Ten husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
Click to expand...

I didn't really get the "stamp collector" line.... 🤔 🤔 🤔 🤔 🤔 🤔
 
There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size. So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size. Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger. Then she's walking down the street
and a man from India bumps into her and says,
"Oh my god! A thousand apologies
 
Pappy said:
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you. "She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde. " The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde? "
Click to expand...
Buying air?
 
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy
and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward,
you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven." So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says, "Yes." "Well," says Ford,
"You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on". So Adam goes to the celestial
computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford,
"It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer,
more men are riding my invention than yours."
 
The last patient and philosophy of marriage
A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”

“I accept, thanks!” She answers. He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking. Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.

The doctor looks worried, gets up, and says: “My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”
 
A down-and-out guy looking for work applied at a zoo. The zoo didn’t have any openings, but the keeper offered the guy an unusual position. It seems that the zoo’s star gorilla had died suddenly, and since it was the main attraction, the zoo didn’t want to release the information until a new gorilla had been procured. So the zoo offered the guy a temporary job as a gorilla, in a costume, of course, just until they could get a replacement animal.
The man spent a full day getting used to his costume, and learning how to act and how to move like a gorilla. “The most important thing,” his trainers said, “is that you must never, ever break character. Nobody can ever know that you aren’t the real gorilla.”
In the enclosure, the guy was fantastic. He mimicked the gorilla so well that nobody suspected a thing. One day, he swung a little too high and went over the wall, landing in the lion’s enclosure. With the large ferocious beast stalking him and licking its chops, our gorilla-guy frantically searched for an escape. He ran, and of course the lion immediately gave chase.
Around and around they went, with the lion gaining ground, and finally, the desperate gorilla, fearing for his life, decided to break character. So he shouted, “Help, HELP!”
Immediately behind him, he heard the lion growl: “Shut up! Do you wanna get us both fired?!”
 
There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she
told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell
you about those young boys.He is going to try to kiss you, you are going
to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast,
you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs ,
you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
But most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you
and have his way with you.
You are going to like that, but don't let him do that,
it will disgrace the family. With that bit of advice, the granddaughter
went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.
But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family.
When he tried I turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced his family!"
 
A couple gets married, and the girl's mother lives downstairs.
The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest! I can't make love to him, it's disgusting!"
The mother says to her, "He's your husband, you do what he wants you to. Now go back upstairs."
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants.
This sends her running back down to her mother. "Momma, Momma! It's terrible! He has hair all over his legs!"
The mother tells the girl, "Look, he is your husband, you are his wife. You go back upstairs and do what he wants."
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing.
She goes crying back down the stairs. "Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half!"
"You stay here," says the mother. "I'll go upstairs!"
 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. They continue shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband says, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
 
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelery store with a beautiful much-younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25.00 in your account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"
 
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
 
A man shopping in a supermarket took his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter.
The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?" "Yes," replied the man.
"Well, where is it? asked the cashier. "I left him home," he answered.
"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog.
That's the rules." The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier. "Yes," he said,
"but I left him home." "Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell
you the food. That's the rules." The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Put your hand in here."
The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?" The man replied,
"I'd like to purchase three rolls of toilet paper please!"
 
During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t).

When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg, and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually, the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap, and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday!”
 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?"
 
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.

"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed, the next patient also appears half dead.

"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"

"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed, the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life.

"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"

"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
 
Do you have a ******?
A woman home alone, answers a knock on the door to a man who just stood there and asked, "Do you have a ******?"
She slams the door in disgust and tells her husband that night when he got home from work.
The next morning she answers a knock on the door. It's the same man and he asks the same question. "Do you have a ******?"
Once again she slams the door.
She immediately gets on the phone and rings her husband at work.
He tells her he will take the day off tomorrow just in case the man shows up a third time.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both make for the door.
The husband whispers to his wife, "Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy I want you to tell him yes to his question because I want to see where he's going with this."
She nods, a yes to her husband, and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there. He asks, "Do you have a ******?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"🤣🤣🤣
 
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers.

They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors.

After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey.

How about if we sleep together tonight.

No strings attached.

It'll just be one night of fun."

The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place, and he goes into the bedroom.

She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.

She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

Finally, she goes into the bedroom, and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterward, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?" The man says,

"I tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."

"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman.

"You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?"

"Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised.

"How did you know?"

The woman answers, "Because I slept through most of it and didn't feel a thing."
 

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