The jokes only thread....

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Nude beach

A mother and father take their 6-year-old son to a family nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, ‘The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.

‘The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, ‘The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.’

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother.

‘Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets’
 

My wife is having an affair


A blond guy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the Plummer the other day I
found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

The blond guy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends look at him with utter amazement.

“No, I’m serious.
The other day when I got home I found a jockey under our bed
 
I got in trouble in 3rd grade elementary school.
I was making ugly faces at a girl on the playground.
A teacher saw me & said, "My father told me if I made faces like that, my face would stay that way."
I said, "Well, you can't say he didn't warn you."
 
I have been going crazy for days to think of this joke. I finally found it today. Of course, you might have to be Catholic to laugh.


My son asked, "What's God's name?" I replied, "Howard." Frowning, he said, "How do you know His name's Howard?" I smiled, "Well, people always say..."
"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."
 
A man enters a tavern and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring him another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look buddy, I'll bring ya martinis all night long, but ya gotta tell me why you keep looking inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.'' " When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
 
Guy walks into a bar...

He orders a grasshopper, finishes his drink and on his way walking home he spots a real grasshopper on the side walk. The guy says to the grasshopper, "Hey! Do you know there's a drink named after you?" The grasshopper replies...

"Really? There's a drink called Irving?"
 
Written on the back of a toilet door at a roadhouse in Queensland, Australia --------------------

In 6 days God created all the world and the things in it, on the 7th day he rested, --------------- but on the 8th day, he created his most wonderfull creation of all ———————— a Harley-Davidson motorcycle.

Then some wit wrote beneath that comment ———————————

Yeh, and on the 9th and 10th day, ——————— he was still trying to start the ‘bloody effin’ thing.
 
Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
 

8-year-old Arthur went to his father to ask him something.​

- Dad, what’s the name of that thing where one person lies on top of another?
Arthur’s father was shocked by the question, but he decided to tell him:
- My son, I don’t know how I should explain this to you. It’s called se—
- Wait, dad, I’ve remembered it! It’s a bunk bed!
 

A plumber​

is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber makes eye contact with the lady at the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!
 

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy​

who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose, and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
 
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than that."
 
An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.
In an equally loud voice, he replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
 
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