The jokes only thread....

Lil Johnny is looking at greeting cards at a stationery store.
After a while the clerk gets curious and asks him,
"What are you looking for Lil Johnny ?"
" A Birthday greeting, get well message, anniversary or congratulations to your friend?"
Lil Johnny thinks a bit on it, shakes his head and answers, "No."
"How may I help you Lil Johnny," asks the Clerk?
"Got anything in the line of blank report cards," asks Lil Johnny!
 

Lil Johnny's out walking and he meets a dirty and shabby-looking homeless man
who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
Lil Johnny checks his Wallet, extracts ten dollars and asks,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replies.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Lil Johnny then asks him.
"No, I don't gamble," the poor man said.
"I need everything I can beg just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Lil Johnny says.
"Are you NUTS!" replies the filthy man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a loose woman instead of food?" Lil Johnnys then asks him .
"I can get a great disease for ten lousy bucks?" exclaims the Derelict!
"Well," says Lil Johnny, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The Panhandler is amazed. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing this?
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting, Lil Johnny !"
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like
after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
 
A frog Hops into the bank. He goes to the only open teller Hops up and
sees that her name tag is Paddy. The frog Crokes, "I really need a loan!
I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving!
I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!"
Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and
asks him if he has any collateral. He hops up, holds out a small glass elephant.
Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure but
she feels so sorry for the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager.
Sir, "Paddy begins, "there is a frog out there who desperately needs a loan.
He's out of work, he's married and the Tadpoles who are at home are starving.
He needs some money so he can provide for them but
all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"
Well, the manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little and
replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
 

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would
make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and
that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor.
She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey
for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
 
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
 
Our teacher asks what my favorite animal is and I say, "Fried chicken."
She says I'm not very funny but she can't have been right, everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth & I did.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
So I tells my dad what happened and
he says my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, so my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
So I tells him what happened, and he laughed, too.
Then he tells me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asks me
what my favorite live animal is.
I tells her it's Chicken. She asks me why,
so I tells her it's because they become fried Chicken..
She sends me back to the principal's office.
He laughs again and tells me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest but
my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asks us to tell her
what famous person we admire most.
So, I tells her, "Colonel Sanders."
You know where I am now don't you?....
 
A skimpily dressed Hottie, a slick Chicagoan & a Simple Iowan
are walking casually down a street,
talking amongst themselves in their friendly manner.
The Wiccan Hotties cheesy smile.
The Greasy Chicagoan's tricky attitude and
The Iowa Farmers witty jokes / sarcasm and
they spot a tornado headed straight for them.
The Hottie In her Mini, spike heels and Halter top
reaches her arms frantically into the air,
"O Lord and Lady, she screams.
The hard Chicagoan falls down to his knees pleading,
"O Jesus help me, Jesus be with me & Am begging for mercy!"
The Iowan turns and runs to the Electric Pole and
grabs ahold of the ground tied cable,
yelling Yea-ha & Yahoo & "Oh Boy !" .....
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Once there was an old rich man who was afraid of dying and leaving all his wealth behind on earth. So, he took up the matter with God. He pleaded day and night to be able to take all his earthly possessions with him. Finally, God conceded. He said the man could take as much as he could fit in one suitcase. The old man immediately went out, bought a huge suitcase, sold all he owned and filled the suitcase with gold bars. Shortly after that, the old man died. Awkwardly dragging the big, heavy suitcase, he approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stopped him, asked him to open his luggage, and then told him he couldn't bring his gold bars into Heaven. The man was irate. "You don't understand," he said. "I got permission directly from God himself for this. He told me whatever I could fit into one suitcase, I could bring with me."St. Peter, shrugged his shoulders and simply said, "Fine with me. But we've already got plenty of pavement here."
Works only on Jan. 2, 2023
 
A woman and Lil Johnny are involved in a car accident,
Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, This totally Hot Chick says,
"Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left
but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from God that
we should meet and be really good friends."
So; Lil Johnny thinking there may be a bright side to this,
replied, "I agree with you completely."
Lil Johnny then hands the Hottie a Bottle and says,
"Look at this, here's another miracle, its not broken.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Lets toast this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the awesomely fab hot Chick and
she nods her head in agreement takes a huge swig from the bottle and
then hands it back to the Lil Johnny. Lil Johnny thinks
on that a bit and says, "lets call Uber and
go to your place while the wreckers tow this junk."
 
Talking Baby


A Baby started talking as soon as he was born
The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?"
"Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!"
"Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?"
"Yes, I am!" says the doctor.
"Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery."
"You're very welcome," says the doctor.
The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?"
Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!"
The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. "How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn't it?"
 
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.." Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ...
I'm married to his damn widow...
 
Lil Johnny is a newlywed and he wants to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's Lil Johnny, "Hi Sweetheart," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand."
"What's that, baby?" asks her Husband, Lil Johnny
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?" ..........
biglaugh.gif
..........
 
The owner in a lumber yard is interviewing people for a job in his lumber yard.
He has several applicants that day and none of them are particularly noteworthy
until Lil Johnny a blind man walks in. Obviously confused the owner says " um,
Lil Johnny how do you propose you can work in my lumber yard if you can't see?"
Well; Lil Johnny replies, " Sir I can smell the different types of lumber easily!"
The owner doesn't believe this at all and has an employee bring
in some lumber for Lil Johnny to smell. The blind lil Johnny takes a sniff of the lumber,
asks it be flipped over and takes another sniff of the lumber and says "
that's a 2x6x10 of eastern white pine". The owner thinks to himself,
" okay that was just a lucky guess" and has someone bring in a different type of lumber.
So; Lil Johnny sniffs it twice and replies " that's a 1x6X10 of western red cedar."
The owner's jaw drops. The owner then decides to mess with the blind Lil Johnny and
brings in His Secretary. Lil Johnny takes a sniff and says, " ugh"
then he asks that it be turned around and he takes another sniff and says,
" whew!!". So Lil Johnny a Blind Man thinks for a minute and finally replies,
"You're messing with me, that's a Crapper door off a tuna boat!"
 
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Lil Johnny enters the gameshow to win a million dollars..
The gameshow requires guessing the unknown using your five senses.
In round one, Lil Johonny sticks his hand into a covered box and
guesses what was inside by feel. Without hesitation he knows
it's seaweed and tinfoil. In round two, He is paired and has to guess
his partner's word or phrase in a game of charades. Luckily his partner is a Mime.
"What a lovely day to ride a carriage full of penguins", is the classic phrase.
In round three, by using his hearing alone, determine what object
was being dropped on the ground. Once again, Lil Johnny's keen senses
does not betrayed him and the distinct sound of hummus on concrete.
In round four, as you'd expect for a taste test, He is blindfolded and
tastes a prepared meal with bonus points for specificity.
Little could they have known that Lil Johnny was once a desperate student and
that peanut butter with rice on an ice cream cone was a familiar breakfast.
Lastly round five was smell... And where everything went horribly wrong.
The round started as normal. He had to guess three smells.
First smell. Diet sprite mixed with apricot marmalade.
Easy. Second smell. A walnut chewed by an otter and
spit out into a bowl of captain crunch. Child's play.
The last odor, well, Lil Johnny doesn't have a clue at first.
He has never experienced it before.
So; Lil Johnny starts to panic, his heart pounding,
panicking he notices a twitch in his arm. Wait.
He can't feel it or his left leg. Lil Johnny collapses to the ground and
utters four words, "I smell burnt Melba Toast", before passing out.
Lil Johnny wakes up in a hospital with a million dollars and congratulations.
Lil Johnny had a stroke of good luck. ......
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On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death
:cheers:
 
WELL; Lil Johnny, a Father of three is on his Deathbed
His Lil Wife Joan is there with him carrying for him.
So, Lil Johnny knows he is near his last breaths,
he struggles with each breath to say a word,
asks his Lil Wife Joan: "Shall - we - let - John - take - over - the -Family - business?" Coughs and choking sounds.
Lil Johnny's Wife Lil Joan says, "Jimmy's better in business, lets ask John to help run it." Well, Lil Johnny wheezes and coughs.
"OK," says Lil Johnny, " Lets - let - Jimmy - run - our - families - business - but hacks and coughs and hacks -should -we - let - the - F150 - go - to -Jack." cough, hack, cough & coughs and hacks. Lil Johnnys Lil Woman Joan replies, "But John is better at maintaining it." Let's let John have it." "OK," says Lil Johnny more wheezes and coughing and struggling with each word, " should -- we -- let -- Jack -- have -- our -- Ford -- Mustang?"
Lil Johnnys wife Joan answers, "Can he share it with Jimmy?"
Lil Johnny is caught up in a coughing spasm for many minutes but still has some game in him so after some more coughs, So
Well after resting for some minutes Lil Johnny last words were to Lil Wife Joan,
"What --- -----should ------ --I ---- ---- leave ---------- ------- for ------------- -------------- --------- Jack ?"
 
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the Blond wife stared at the woman’s lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself – and to stop her mind racing.
She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked:
“Will I be acquitted?”
 

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