The jokes only thread....

On New Year's Eve Past, Marilyn
stands up in the local pub and
says that it's time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, every husband
should stand next to the one person
who makes his life worth living.
As the clock strikes 12,
the bartender gets rushed.
It's was sort of embarrassing!
 

The Blond drives into a Mini Mall in a Volkswagen Beetle.
She gets out of the Car looking hot in her miniskirt, spike heels and halter top.
Popps open the rear hood, removes the Oil cap and her sunglasses and peers in.
proceeds to get water from the Windshield Washer Island
with her big gulp cup and pours it into the Oil filler
Soon a loud cracking sound comes from the motor of the VW.
All of us Guys from the Mart area collect around her at the car and she says,
"I saw an engine overheat on the dash and was putting water in the radiator."
As the oil leaks out of the motor onto the ground pooling around her Heels
All us guys can see are her gorgeous legs and most of us offer to take her home.
Her boyfriend came by later with the tow truck
it was his car and he had loaned it to her.
All of us standing there, well, We all wondered if their relationship lasted…
 
A couple of drinking’ Blonds, who are airplane mechanics,
are in the hanger at LAX; it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, “Have you got anything to drink?”
“Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel—that’ll really give you a buzz.”
So they do, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinking Blonds can.
The following morning, one of them wakes up and she knows
her head will explode if she gets up. But it doesn’t.
She gets up and feels good, in fact she feels great—no hangover!
The phone rings, it’s her Blond girlfriend. She says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
She said, “I feel great!!”
And the Blond says, “I feel great too!! You don’t have a hangover?”
And she says “No—that jet fuel is great stuff—no hangover—we ought to do this more often.”
“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing....”
“What’s that?” “Did you fart yet?” “What?” “Did you fart yet?” “No...”
“Well, don’t, ’I just landed, I’m in Atlanta!!”
 

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A group of Blonds walking toward the neighborhood bar,
when they come across a badly mangled dead body.
As they get closer, they see it's a Brunette.
A short distance up the road, they see another mangled Brunette
in the ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe.
They rush to her, cradled her bruised bleeding head and
ask her what had happened. "Well," She whispers,
"I was walking down this road, all Brunette to the teeth when I came across
this other Brunette in a Mini and Halter top. I looked her right in the eye and shouted,
"You're dressed just like me you Cheap Brunette piece of trash!"
"She shouted in my face, " Well Cheep-0, Your nothing but a Piece of trash too!"
"That's when the 18 wheeler over there
all jackknifed hit us standing in the middle of the road!"
Well; Then those Blonds See the truck there.
They rush to the Young Blond Driver,
give him Resuscitations and multiple mouth to mouth CPR saving a life.
 
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The Blond is in the check out at Sam's
with 2- 20 lb. bags of dog food in her cart.
Her Preacher sees her and says
"Sister I didn't know you had a dog".
Well the Blond says " I don't,
this is for my husband, he loves it".
Her Preacher says, " you've got to stop feeding
that to him, it's gonna kill him".
The Blond thinks about that and says,
"he's been eating it for years".
About a month later the Blond sees her the preacher.
"I need to arrange a funeral."
He says " it's your husband isn't it"!
"Yes it's for him," the frustrated Blond replies.
"I told you that dog food would kill him."
Then the Blond thinks and says,
"That's not what killed him."
"He was laying in the road licking his Arss and a car hits him!"
 
A Guy walked up to a beautiful woman in a bar and asked her: “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” “That depends on how personal it is.” she replied. “Okay,” he said, “How many men have you slept with?” “I’m certainly not going to tell you that! That’s my business!” she replied. “Sorry,” he said.
“I didn’t realize you make a living off it.”
 
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops the Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the LEO asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood,
thinks he might just give the biker a break and writes him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The LEO then asks, What's your last name?" The Biker than says,
"I used to have a last name but lost it." Well, the LEO thinks that he has a nut case on his hands
but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree,
so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor,
so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through School, got my degree,
so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry,
so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD,
so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out
about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,
so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
 
The really Hot dressed Blond is hard up for money,
So, She stands at the corner with a sign,
Can work for $100 ! so she walked around with
her Sign, back and forth Blond, hot & dressed to kill,
well, She has it all together & intends to find a job paying up.
She entices Lil Johnny, 'the man' who says I will give you work.
"I need my Porch Painted white & all you do is paint it.
Here is a bucket of paint, brush and rag" So he goes on.
Later Lil Johnny gets back, parks his F150 in the Alley
behind his House & walks into the Kitchen, chuckles and
tells his brunette wife Who is Pouring Wine,
fixing Steaks & Baked Potatoes,
what he has paid to paint the front porch.
"Lil Johnny, the porch covers half of the house!
You're getting it done really cheap!"
Three hours later, the blonde is at the side door,
dressed in Hot pants, halter top and 6" heals,
wanting her $100 while giving the brush back to Lil Johnny!
Lil Johnny, The Man, gives her the Cash, $$$, then asks,
"how did you paint it so quickly?"
"It takes time, but it was easy." the Wet Sweaty Blond replies.
The Blond so very Hot, skimpily dressed with her 6" heals,
Swings her head, blond hair waving free says,
"Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
 
So We're at Mamas & Papas grocery.
So, we get meat, coffee, Eggs, Bacon, Broccoli,
all the usual stuff, TP, Pet food, Treats etc. finally
I bought a head of lettuce, go thru the self checkout
bag all the stuff up, load it in Turbos and take it all home.
We're inside putting all of the Stuff away when I get to
the head of lettuce, All the leaves are brown.
 
papa tiger said:
So We're at Mamas & Papas grocery.
So, we get meat, coffee, Eggs, Bacon, Broccoli,
all the usual stuff, TP, Pet food, Treats etc. finally
I bought a head of lettuce, go thru the self checkout
bag all the stuff up, load it in Turbos and take it all home.
We're inside putting all of the Stuff away when I get to
the head of lettuce, All the leaves are brown.
Click to expand...
And I'll bet the sky was gray. Did you get down on your knees?
 
I pulled into a gas station to get gas and had to pay inside. As I was walking in, I noticed these 2 cops watching a man who was smoking while pumping gas. I saw him and thought, "Is this dude stupid or crazy?" With the cops right there too??

But anyway, I went inside and paid. As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming. I looked out the window and the man's arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy! I ran outside and saw the cops had put him on the ground and were putting the fire out with their coffees!!

Then they put handcuffs on him and threw him in their cruiser. I was thinking "what kind of person smokes near a gas pump?! But is it illegal?"So, being the curious person that I am, I asked one of the cops what they were arresting him for. The cop looked me square in the eyes and said "WAVING A FIREARM!"
 
Before I tell this joke I should tell you I am Italian

An Englishman, an Irishman, and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...
They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he tells his captors everything he knows.

Finally, they take the Italian and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. The other two men could hear him crying out in pain for nearly ten hours as he was tortured, but his captors couldn’t get him to tell them anything, so they let him go.

When the three men regrouped outside, the Englishman took a sip of whiskey from a flask and set his hand on the shoulder of the Italian, asking, “So, how d’ya go so damn long and not say anything?” To which the Italian replied, “How could I have talked with my hands tied behind my back?
 
"People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman."
 
My friend knows I love jokes and he sent me these today.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails
My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
 
Lil Johnny's wife meets her husband at the Metro
station after work for the ride home.
Well; Lil Johnny looks haggard, sweaty and pale!
So, she asks, Sweety did you have a rough day?
"You bet it was," Lil Johnny groans.
"Our computers server was down and
we had to think hard all day!"
 
Andy calling 911:

"Help, my friend, Frank just shot himself while we were hunting, and he is dead. What should I do?"

911: "Okay, calm down. The first thing you need to do is make sure he's dead - - -".

Andy: "Okay - okay - hold on!"

BANG !

"Okay, I'm sure. Now what do I do?"
 

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