The jokes only thread....

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds.
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How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls
 
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.....
 

Blondes Conference
40,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” event. During the first show, a blonde asks another blonde a math question to show everyone that blondes can do maths: “What’s thirty plus twelve?” The blonde thinks for a minute and timidly responds: “forty?” The entire audience of 40,000 blondes screams “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!” The show organizer hesitantly agrees and asks the blonde another question… but this time really, really easy: “What’s two plus two?”. The blonde thinks again and whispers “Four?”. Suddenly all together the 40,000 blondes in the audience scream again: “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”
 

Your body parts are arguing about who should be in charge.​

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the most important and I
should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick
anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for
the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move
anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in
charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU? You don't do
anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an ass hole.

​

 
What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.
-------------------------------------------

Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
Depends.
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Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.

















 
The nun and the taxi: A taxi driver picks up a nun. During the ride, he asks her: “I have a question for you, but I am afraid it will upset you.” The nun responds with care: “My dear son, I have talked to so many people in my life. I don’t think there is anything you can say that will upset me”. The driver responds “Well… I have always had a fantasy of receiving 0ral from a nun.” The nun, a bit surprised, responds “that is fine, my son. I might be able to help, but only if you are not married”. The driver responds quickly: “that’s not a problem, I am not married!”. He pulls over and the nun delivers on her promise. However, when they start driving again, the driver admits: “I’m sorry but I have lied to you, I’m married.” The nun replied, “That’s fine, my son. I haven’t been very honest with you either: my name is actually Freddie, and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
 
Costco Doctor
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.
I guess I'd better see a doctor."
“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.
"It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor.
So, John deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, John began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

John hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. ( Aisle 9 )
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. ( Aisle 7 )
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
 
An old veteran walks into a grocery store. Immediately, the cashier stops him and says, "Sir, your barracks door is open." At first, he pays zero attention to her because he doesn't live in the barracks. So, he continues shopping until he spots a man stocking some shelves. He tells him what the cashier said and asks what she could've meant.
He tells the veteran that his fly is open.
After completing his shopping,
he goes back to the same cashier and says, "Ma'am, you told me my barracks door was open. While you were looking,
did you see a Marine standing at attention, saluting?"
The cashier replies, "No, sir. I just saw an old, retired veteran lying on two seabags."
 
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came
back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the
two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go
without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
 

A very attractive girl goes to confession ​

Girl: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"

Priest: "What did you do Child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, Father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you-know-what into her you-know-where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
 
The Hypnotist
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday...
 
A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.

Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied, “Sorry! I didn’t recognize you.”
 
“Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone, “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed, “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”
“Oh crap!” the physician roared, “That means we’ve all got it!”
 
Three men die and go to Heaven. When they get there,
St. Peter is standing at the gates of Heaven. He says,
"Now you may enter Heaven. But you must promise not to step on any ducks."
So they all promised not to step on any ducks. The gates of Heaven opened.
To their horror, the grounds are covered with ducks. After 5 minutes the first
man stepped on a duck. Instantly St. Peter appeared and tied an ugly woman to him and said,
" For your punishment, you are now bound together for all eternity. After 10 minutes the second man stepped on a duck,
again, instantly St. Peter appeared with even uglier women and again, ties them both together and condemns
them for all eternity. The third man was terrified. He Took special precautions not to step on any ducks.
If there is one thing he hates it's an ugly woman. On the one-year anniversary of his arrival, St. Peter comes to
him and leads him to a beach at sunset where he meets the most beautiful woman in the world. He says to St. Peter,
" What have I done to deserve this?" "I don't know about you ", said the woman, "But I stepped on a damn duck!"
 
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.
 
Sassycakes said:

Your body parts are arguing about who should be in charge.​

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the most important and I
should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick
anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for
the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move
anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in
charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU? You don't do
anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an ass hole.

​

Click to expand...
On my first meeting as a 1st. line supervisor with the crew I was to supervise one of the employees I worked with before becoming her supervisor told that joke. Of course I laughed. It's TRUE.
 
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer.
 
A boy goes into confession...
The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl." "Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?" "Oh I can't say." "Was it Mary Jane?" "No Father." "Adalina Mozarelli?" "My lips are sealed." "How about Cindy King" "I can never say." "Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?" "No." "It has to be Tracy Cummings though!" "Father I will never tell you." "Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months." "Ok, Father" The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?" The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"
 

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.​

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best place to take the graft from. The surgeon agrees and after 5 gruelling hours of surgery the operation is a complete success.

When the woman wakes up and sees the result, she is so overwhelmed that she says 'I can never thank you enough for this. I will do whatever you want by way of thanks'.

The husband smiles and says, 'We've been married for 25 years and there's nothing you can give me that you haven't already. Besides, when your mother kisses your cheek, that'll be all the thanks I'll ever need'.
 
Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.
You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today
 

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