The jokes only thread....

A buttload of wine equals 126 gallons of wine.
Although it sounds crazy, a butt or buttload is
technically two “hogsheads,” but in terms we use,
that's 126 gallons.
 

The Guy is in jail for a year,
so to pass the time he catches a fly and
teaches it to do tricks.
He has it lay on it's back, jump into a matchbox,
walk a little thread set up as a tightrope.
He spends the whole year teaching the thing tricks.
Upon his release he goes into a pub and sits down.
He opens the matchbox and lets the fly out.
As the fly patiently sits there,
he sets up the little tightrope and everything else.
So; finally The Man goes to a Bar
He calls the bartender over and says,
"Hey bartender, see this?"
Lil Johnny, the bartender answers,
"Oh, sorry give me just a minute,"
and squishes the fly with a flyswatter.
 
Everyday my cousin Frank sends me some jokes.Here are the ones he sent today.

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ
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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs
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An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
 

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken comes in a different box.
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What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and always gets you what you want?
A hundred-dollar bill.
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I heard the kids on the block think you’re a monster because they heard your girlfriend say you have a third leg
 
Sassycakes said:
Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken comes in a different box.
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What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and always gets you what you want?
A hundred-dollar bill.
****************************************************

I heard the kids on the block think you’re a monster because they heard your girlfriend say you have a third leg
Click to expand...
That cracked me up !
But you know, you can't really blame Ken, because out of curiosity, I kinda checked a naked Barbie once, and ..... well, I don't know how to say this, but something appears to be missing.
 
old stuff...


COSTCO HAS EVERYTHING!!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample...

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @




______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
‎
Someone butt dialed me again yesterday.
It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.
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If you are American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
Euro-peein.
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What did the dentist say to the butt?
That’s the largest cavity I’ve ever seen!
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I was caught staring at a cute girl’s butt.
Harassment is a lot to me.
 
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Which one of your kids will never grow up and move out of the house?

– Your husband.
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What do a wife and a grenade have in common?

– They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring

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When should you love thy neighbor?
– When her husband’s away on business.
 
You can fix sagging stuff,
Get a Tummy tuck,
Hearing aid so you can hear like a baby.

But you can't fix Stupid,
not a pill you can take,
a Chiro or a "Car X you can go to.
"Stupid is Fo-evahhhhh"
 
Tommy enters the confessional and says, “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have been intimate with a girl of ill repute.”
The priest asks, “Who are you, my son?”
“It’s Tommy O’Brien, Father,” Tommy answers.

“And who was the girl you were with?” the priest inquires.
“I can’t tell you that, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation,” Tommy responds.
“Come on, Tommy, you know nothing in this town hides from me. Tell me, was it Molly Malone?”

“No, Father, I won’t say who it was.”
“Was it Bridget Kelly?”
“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Fiona O’Reilly?”
“I’m sorry, Father, but I can’t name her.”

“Was it Mary Murphy?”
“I won’t reveal her identity, Father.”

The priest lets out a sigh of frustration and says, “Alright Tommy, you’re very discreet and I respect that. But you’ve sinned and you have to repent.”
Tommy leaves the confessional, and his friend Liam asks him, “How did it go?”
Tommy replies, “He gave me four hot tips for my next dates!”
 
When I was working in the lab, I was kind of like a supply sergeant. When people needed items. they came to me and asked and I'd give it to them if it was available. One time the supervisor came in and wanted a box of facial tissues. When I handed them over, he said "Now every time I blow my nose, I'll think of you." I replied, "I'm just happy it wasn't toilet paper you needed."
 
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