When adult children outgrow their respect compassion and gratitude for senior parents

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W. Va. Mountain Twin

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:newhere: Hello ~ I am delighted to have found this website. I hope that I may be able to bring some positive influence and inspiration to others ~ while also hoping to receive the same from other members. My title opens the door to many years of feeling betrayed and abandoned by 4 grown daughters as I wonder if other seniors are walking through the same door.

From early childhood they had jealous and resentful behaviors which has continued throughout their adult lives. It is very difficult for a mother and grandmother to be in the middle of such a storm of emotional turmoil. It seems the older I get the deeper the pain and the deeper the need for some answers; as to why and how; after all the years of giving, doing, serving and loving each of them unconditionally. To be told "you love her more than me" ~ to get out of a daughters home and don't come back (all because I was trying to be helpful with grandchildren) to be totally ignored on my birthday, mother's day, anniversary, christmas (not so much as a card).

To loan out thousands of dollars; regardless that we are seniors on a fixed income and never get a dollar of it repaid. This is a very brief description of why my husband and I are just so ready to sell out and move far away from all of our children and regretfully our grandchildren (that we seldom see) to a place where we can have our final years of peace.

I know all too well that my greatest weakness is ~ not knowing how or when to say "no", but I think I am learning the hard way. Also that I am too good for my own good. I suppose what I need most of all is the emotional support to help me cut the emotional umbilical cord to motherhood and grandmotherhood. As I can see this drama is boiling over into the grandchildren's lives; whereas if I buy something or do something for one of them (as on a birthday) the others want something as well at the same time. It has become a matter of neglect and depression for me and my husband to deny ourselves even the bare necessities of life; to give far beyond our physical, emotional and financial means any longer ~ to anyone. The stress that we battle between the two of us is another totally different story; although the daughterly drama is the root cause. This is not an invitation to a pity party. We just need to know we are not the only seniors feeling so overwhelmed emotionally, feeling so abandoned, so neglected, so taken advantage of for so many years, while one daughter takes her family on 2 week vacations; it is "our" duty & responsibility (as she and her husband see it) to come to their home and take care of the dog, the cats, clean the house, work the garden, cut the grass. as they have no one else to do the favors.) this year was the third year we have humbeled ourselves; one year we got "zero" $ ~ another year $60.00 and this year $40.00 (gas allowance) between our homes. Another daughter has gained financial wealth; owning a fine home, a vacation lake resort, a restaurant, a commercial construction company, a real estate company and wants for nothing. She has never been in my humble dwelling of a mobile home. No communication with her since I called her on her birthday last year,; couldn't reach her this year as she was on a cruise. If that is what money does to people ~ I will stay poor in poverty for the rest of my life. We have not taken a vacation for ourselves in 38 years. Although I dream of walking on the beach while I am still able. I'm sorry if this became boring.

Ma & Pa
 

You aren't alone; I will say that my situation isn't quite so bad. There are others on this board who have grown-children problems, me among them. I'm 73 and still working because I let my kids take advantage of me for far too long.

It's time for you to learn to say no (but you already knew that). You don't need to explain or make excuses. Just "no". As for lending money? "No. We don't have it." Never "lend" money that you can't afford to get back.

It's way past time for you and your DH to look after yourselves. They're grown. They need to learn to stand on their own two feet. If they didn't have you to pick up the slack, I'm betting they'd find a way to take care of their problem du jour.

Please, please, please take care of yourselves FIRST.

Oh...welcome to the board! It's a nice place to be and a good place to vent:)
 
There are so many of us that can relate to your situtation,in one way or another. I know the heartache you feel. I agree with Georgia, take care of your selves first and take that long awaited holiday. You are entitled to respect & peace in your life. Once you take a stand who knows, things could improve for the better.
 

I used to let my kids walk all over me, my bank account and my heart. Life has been much better since I learned to say no. I think I may even have earned their respect when I stopped being a pushover:)
 
Hi ~ and "ThankYou" very much for the beautiful welcome. Daisy's are my favorite flower. Going back to my childhood ~ the precious memories of going into the fields and picking a hand full of daisies ~ sitting alone to myself and "plucking" one little petal at a time ~ and repeating to myself ~ "He loves me" ~ "He loves me not" ~ over and over ~ until I had "plucked" all the daisies clean of their little white petals. I truly thank you for bringing back the welcome memories.
 
Thank You very much for your kind reply. I too am 73 ~ will be 74 on May 14. We are retired and living on a fixed income. We would love to be working at least part time to supplement our income and have tried several times to seek employment; but it is as plain as the nose on our face that most people do not want to hire seniors and that is partly due to the risk of work related injuries and the company has to pay medical bills and compensation. I am hoping to do something that I have dreamed of for many years; to have a gift basket business; nothing extravant; just enough to keep me busy and bring in some extra money.

I am thinking of a time that one of my daughters ask me what I wanted for Christmas. I told her that I had done without so much for so long that I didn't need anything. Another time the same daughter told me I had to start thinking of myself and what I want. I began crying and told her I don't know how to think about myself. All my life I have taken care of other people; from early childhood; caring for 3 younger siblings; made me a mother before I was a mother.

Thank you so much for the "welcome" ~ I look forward to lots of visits on this site. Yes, I will take your advise and think of me and Bob first. We won't have as many years as we have already lived. He has always told me he will go before me, I tell him not to prepare me for widowhood, truthfully if he passes before me, I don't think I want to live with any of my kids. It would be an emotional roller coaster between my 4 daughters; as to what each of them would feel and how they would treat me.

God Bless you for caring.
 
I'm thinking of how disceplined and obedient I was to my parents. granted I got daddy's coal mining belt and mom's apple tree switches a few times; but if I had ever misbehaved and treated my parents with the abuse and disrespect that my girls have done to me; they would have disowned me. My parents worked very hard to raise 6 children, lost 3 babies (one being my twin sister as a stillborn) daddy was a coal miner for 32 years and mother labored at home raising us kids and working a huge garden to feed all of us,; canning hundreds of jars of food to take us through the winters. My Dad passed with black lung in 1968. Mother remained a widow for 33 1/2 years; until she passed in 2001. In early 2002 when mother's estate was setteled and the youngest daughter that we have done so much for and her family; when she knew I had my share of the estate; they suddenly had a major car repair and wanted $5,000.00. Bob & I had been living in virginia for a while and decided to return to Ohio, we were between homes; actually homeless (in an apartment) When I told her we need to find a home; she said if your grandchildren get burned up in this car you can live with that on your conscience. We were on our way to work at a greenhouse; so I hung up the phone and her husband calls back and ask for $3,000.00. I want to hate myself for telling him to meet me at my bank on our lunch hour. I gave him a cashiers check for $3,000.00; he never uttered the word "Thanks" ~~ our daughter promised to repay it when they got their income tax that same year; to this day I have not received one single penny of that money back. not to mention another loan of $2,000.00, not to mention $1,800.00 to help with tuition for 2 oldest kids to attend a christian school. not to mention $800.00 for a huge swing set for the kids, that was a gift from us. and so much more over the years ~ all the home cooked meals, all the years of free babysitting, all the times I cleaned her 3 story home. If tonight I had all the money they own us, I could make some very happy changes in our lifestyle, but that will never happen, it is water under the bridge so to speak. I am glad you turned your life in a new direction and I know that is what I must do as well.

Thanks for your support.

Louella
 
Thanks Fern ~ That happened to be my late mother's middle name; Velvet Fern. Well ~ they say it is never too late to learn ~ right? I've learned that none of us can go back and change the past, we can only live in the present and trust God for the future. I intend to start planning a very special get a way vacation for next year; having mother's day, my birthday and our anniversary all the same week of May. Just as my husband says; we are the parents, they are the children, they just have to understand and respect that.

I thank you very much for your support,

Louella
 
Louella, welcome to the forum from London England.:welcome:

I read your story with deep sadness, I am quite a bit younger than you, and I feel dreadful for you that you've gone without so much for you and Bob to give to your children which is what so many of us do..but to get no thanks when some of them are so much better off than you and to the detriment of your happiness is just heartbreaking!

Your kids are probably not much younger than me , and I would have loved to have had a mother and father who cared so much, I didn't, and that is very sad. If I could adopt you as surrogate parents I would.

I do hope you will try now to just concentrate on you and Bob in the future, and at the very least get that trip to the beach you've always yearned for..((hugs))
 
A very warm welcome to the forum.

Very sorry to hear about your children not doing right by you ... But, you did right by them - and in the final analysis that is the important thing.

The quest for wealth can become all-consuming, to the point that everything else (e.g. soul) and everyone else (e.g. family) gets trampled underfoot...
 
Since I'm not a "pushover" in any form of the word, except with my wife (LOL) whom I dearly love, and have no problem saying "no", again, except sometimes to my wife, I've helped her to become somewhat that way as well with her one sister. A year and a half after we married, we move 3 States away from her and the rest of my wife's family. When I met my wife, she revealed to me that she was planning on moving to another State anyway, but just didn't have the heart to tell her family. She knew what they would think. My wife having the "pushover" "hard time saying no" is why she found out that she couldn't be a Manager in her career. She tried it once and her Staff did use that part of her personality against her. So, even thou the salary was better, no more Manager jobs for her.
As for me, I definitely know what "discipline" is all about.........being a former military person.

We have a daughter and grandson as well, from my previous marriage, and, unfortunately, we don't see either. Daughter is now 38 and had some pretty difficult times happen to her in her life so far. We didn't see each other, or even know where each other was for some 20 years. Due to finances, we couldn't see each other, but done some talking thru a few letters and a few years ago in Facebook. Thru some serious problems she had in her life, which included her son, we haven't heard from her for the last couple of years. Wife has never met her or the grandson and I've never met the grandson. Does that hurt......yes, but that's just the way it is and that's also the way my daughter wants it. For how long, have no idea.

One thing for sure, my wife sure knows what it's like to lose children........she lost her son to cancer when he was 15 and lost a daughter to crib death.
 
First off, Welcome.

I like many on this forum had problems saying no to my children from early childhood to middle-age adulthood. I gave and gave then when my 'Golden' years neared I realized that I had done them and myself a dis-service. My wife had been trained and taught problem children. She kept telling me to let them stand on their own, they will survive. I was an 'Enabler' and stuck in the cycle that so many of us get in.

When I reached 65 I had decided to retire and move to a more desirable location. I had health problems and knew that I needed to protect my wife financially and provide her with a safe secure retirement. I wanted to downsize and de-clutter my life so I called all my children together and told them of our plans. I had them tag and claim what they wanted from the home. When we finally sold and made our move we came back to empty the storage bays. I had my three children and their spouses come help with emptying of the bays. My wife and I decided what we absolutely needed and let them decide who gets what was left. They filled up their trucks and trailers with treasures, then I called them together and informed them that they were to receive the acreage of recreational property I owned, it's in my wife's name and I pay the taxes but it will be their's when she passes.

It's a form of 'Tough Love' and you have to make the leap.

I informed them that they have just received their inheritance and there will be no more forthcoming. I had given much over the years, I had depleted my 401 and savings to make sure they had memorable weddings, better cars than I and expensive toys, none of the marriages lasted that long. but that is a different story. I had 'loaned' them money for downpayments on homes and helped them catch up their bills several times. When I cut the strings only one was supportive the other two stomped off. There was no more money given them. Somehow they worked out their own problems and our relationships seem to be much better. The grandchildren come for visits once or twice a year along with the parents. We have made a life for ourselves here. Good luck!
 
We too did this for my husband's two daughters. Although I help with the child support, and two weddings, and two house down payments, they always made sure I understood that I was only the stepmother. Their birth mother left them at the ages of 1,and 2. My husband's parents was raising them when I met my him, then they lived with us until they were in their teens. I loved those girls with all my heart, but my mother-In-law was always pushing the fact that I was just a stepmother. My MIL was always telling them that they should come first with their father, before the boys or me.

When hubby and I met I had a little boy of 1, and we had another a year later. I never would let the boys get away with that type of attitude. No allowances, if they wanted money, they had jobs after school by the time they were in junior high. The oldest boy joined the Army, and stayed there until he was killed in '93. The youngest worked his way through college. Neither of the boys ever asked for money. The youngest stay around to help us, and when he lost his wife, he came to live with us to take over the farm for almost six years, until he died last February.
About two weeks after he died, the girls, (now 49&50), showed up on our door step for the first time in about 10 years wanting to know what their father was going to do about "his" will. As far as they are concerned our 47 years together doesn't count.:tapfoot:
 
I am so sorry for your pain, W. VA. Mountain Twin. You have received some good advice from those that have replied on this board. I know that the hardest word to say in the English language is 'no.' However, it is a word that in some cases must be said. I think your children and even the son-in-law are taking advantage of you. How about telling them that you are broke? Would they believe you? Or, tell the other three daughters to go hit on the daughter that has it all.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you keep us informed as to how you are doing. Please take care of Number One (you) first.
 
Please take care of Number One (you) first
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In doing this you will also be doing a good turn to your children.
May the last gifts you give them be independence, self reliance and resilience.
Only then will they see you differently and have respect for you.
Only then will they come to know the true nature of love.

Whatever you do, don't make excuses for your actions nor tell them any lies.
You owe them the truth, even though they won't want to hear it.
Truth is another gift of great value and it has transformative powers.

Be strong and stand firm.
 
Dame Warrigal said:
In doing this you will also be doing a good turn to your children.
May the last gifts you give them be independence, self reliance and resilience.
Only then will they see you differently and have respect for you.
Only then will they come to know the true nature of love.

Whatever you do, don't make excuses for your actions nor tell them any lies.
You owe them the truth, even though they won't want to hear it.
Truth is another gift of great value and it has transformative powers.

Be strong and stand firm.
Click to expand...


I am a great believer in telling the truth. People that tell lies are not to be trusted as I have found out. No matter how much it hurts or may even embarrass you, telling the truth is the only way that any of us will gain respect and be trusted. Never feel guilty just because you cannot do something for someone that they are capable of doing for themselves.

Just a quick story. I have a friend that I visit on occasion and he has a seven year old Grandson. Recently when I visited him, we were going to go to the place where we buy our fishing gear and take the young boy with us. My friend told his Grandson at least a half dozen times to pick up his toys, so we could leave. Finally, my friend went into the room and picked them up for him. I asked him why he did that and he said that he didn't want to give the boy a complex or harm his self-esteem. I asked him where he ever heard that? He said that he didn't want to discuss it and we dropped the issue. Take from that what you want, but I feel my friend was wrong. IMHO, I think he did not want to have a confrontation with him, a seven year-old boy and now that he has set a precedence with him, my friend will be expected to pick up his toys in the future.
 
welcome, always lots of good discussion, including your type of topic, lots of great people to get feed-back from;) I don't have children, but I have opinions, LOL!

Glad you found the forum, love meeting new folks ma & pa;) denise
 
Welcome to the forum! I watch my mother go through this same thing with a couple of my siblings and it tears me apart but this is a situation that she has created. I hope never to see this happen with my son - he is still a teenager but I already took him to the bank to get his own checking/savings account. I want him to be independent but I also want to give him as much as I can because I love him and the day he moves on, I want nothing more than his happiness. I do not expect him to call me or visit me all the time. I really just want him to be happy - he doesn't owe me anything. I brought him into this harsh world and it is my responsiblity to raise him and educate him and once he flies out of the nest, I wish him the best. If he brings me back grandchildren for a visit, I would be thrilled!
 
You are not alone. Good Luck. Unfortunately I've seen and experienced this type of scenario play out in family. One member lied said they needed loan for house which they never bought. Still overtly buys things like tickets for concerts, sporting events, steak dinners and still owes over half the loan 10 years later. They also knew 2 years in advance of their job moving. Yet they did nothing to find another job or build a resume in advance. Now they're using "unemployment" & bankruptcy as an excuse for non payment. And frequently in round about ways says things like family should never expect a loan paid back.

Personally one can do what ever they want with their life simply do NOT, repeat do NOT drag other people down. If they want to do drugs until they squirm like a fish on a side walk with foam coming out of their mouth I don't care. But do not lie or steal from family & friends.
 
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Trying so hard to be strong ~

oldman said:
I am so sorry for your pain, W. VA. Mountain Twin. You have received some good advice from those that have replied on this board. I know that the hardest word to say in the English language is 'no.' However, it is a word that in some cases must be said. I think your children and even the son-in-law are taking advantage of you. How about telling them that you are broke? Would they believe you? Or, tell the other three daughters to go hit on the daughter that has it all.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you keep us informed as to how you are doing. Please take care of Number One (you) first.
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Hello Dear oldman ~ I thank you sincerely for your words of kindness and support. Yes ~ others have shared their advise, support and kindness. I am very glad that I found this Senior forum, as it is a true blessing to know that there are some wonderful people who are willing to share their compassion; it means so much to me at this time in my life.

There is no other way to say ~ YES, my children have taken extreme advantage of me, my giving nature and certainly my bank account. and YES also about the son-in-law most especially; in telling my daughter; "that is your mother, we shouldn't have to say "thanks" or repay any money". ~ I can only call that cruel and evil on his part. That is the humiliation that I get every time I mention the money and how I need to have it repaid. last time I tried to account for all that has been loaned; $26,850.00 ~ just to even mention some of the favors during their 16 year marriage. free baby sitting for 3 grandchildren, (now teenagers) cleaning their home, preparing so many meals; many free car repairs and maintenance from my husband for all those years and so much more.

I think my heart is trying to absorb the fact that this is what I have allowed to happen all because I was not strong enough to say that one little word ~ "no". If there is one thing that I feel certain about tonight having a very ill husband; should he pass and leave me in widowhood, I will not live with any of my daughters ~ so much as I hate being alone.

As for telling them I am broke; they are very well aware that we are on a monthly fixed income. Being a christian woman and having a heart overflowing with compassion for others will not change because they have chosen to betray my faith in them. I continue trusting God as he is the all seeing eye and trying so hard to be strong in my faith in humanity. I hope it isn't too late to start thinking of #1 (myself). God bless you for that reminder.

Louella
 
Louella, in my church family there are a number of women nursing similar hurts. They find comfort in the loving fellowship of their church friends and in their faith. I hope you can find the same. You will need it to have the strength to care for your sick husband now, when he needs you. Put ungrateful offspring from your mind.

Don't even phone for a while. Let them come to you and ask what is wrong.
Don't sweat on their calls either. Just concentrate on more important things.
 
Hi ~ and thanks for your words of support. Well, I now know that I am not the only one that has had family disputes and differences; primarily because of money. Little wonder of our society; that scripture 1Timothy 6:10 teaches us that "the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil". It is so especially emotionally gripping when families and relatives are torn apart because of evil. I got the same feedback (so to speak) that money should not have to be repaid because I am mother.

I am not sure to whom you are speaking in your second paragraph ~ regardless, I am a christian woman and believe in doing to others as I want them to do unto me. Thankfully, no one in my family/relatives have been involved with drugs. I feel that the lowest form of humanity is evident in a thief and a liar; of which I am acquainted through my trusting heart and disappointed experiences. That behavior is not a part of my christian life and I have chosen to let God Almighty reveal his word regarding vengance.
 
Thank you for your kind words. they give me strength to hold on. Yes, my church family is much support to me. You spoke the most appropriate word ~ "ungrateful" ~ that describes the youngest daughter; of whom we have done so much to help; yet she has been the one along with her husband to bring the deepest heartache. We did not raise her to be the way she is; but has been in a controlling marriage that has made her estranged from us as her parents as well as other siblings. I am learning the hard way in my senior years to say "no" and to cut the emotional umbilical cord; although the deepest heartache is how it will affect my grandchildren.
 

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