When Husband Refuses to Downsize

oldman said:
My wife is a retired Professor at a major university here in the east. From time to time, we have to share time with some of her colleagues. All of these people are super brainiacs while I only have a single degree in Engineering.

On one such evening about seven or eight years ago, they started discussing molecular something or other. This went on for almost two hours. I was so bored that if I could have got my hands on my gun, I may have ended my misery.

After we got home, my wife asked me if I enjoyed the evening as much as she did. I don’t often lie, but that night I did.
Click to expand...

So how many of those brainiacs could fly a plane? 😀
 

Bonnie said:
So how many of those brainiacs could fly a plane? 😀
Click to expand...
Or make bread from scratch, or make a pie crust, or knit a sweater, or make a fishing net, or sew a blouse, or make a quilt or do a million other things. A college education and having a high IQ does not mean a person is capable of doing anything else outside of their skill set.

It does not mean they are happier, well liked, or more satisfied with their circumstances than anyone else.
 
Bonnie said:
I live in a senior apartment complex since I lost my husband ... What amazes me is the number of older couples living here.
I often look at them out and about, and wonder how did their wives ever get them to move into an apartment? :ROFLMAO:

It sure was nothing that my husband would have ever considered while he was alive.
Click to expand...
My wife and I are in the planning stages of moving into a complex like that. My reasons are fairly simple, but the principal one is that if I have to leave the planet before she does, then I do not want her to be stuck rattling around in this big house by herself, cooking for one, and keeping up with all the details of maintaining a house. She would also be extremely lonely and she needs to be around people. For myself, I am growing weary of yardwork, appliance repair and a host of other details. I sure would not want to be here alone without her.
 
Aneeda72 said:
Or make bread from scratch, or make a pie crust, or knit a sweater, or make a fishing net, or sew a blouse, or make a quilt or do a million other things. A college education and having a high IQ does not mean a person is capable of doing anything else outside of their skill set.

It does not mean they are happier, well liked, or more satisfied with their circumstances than anyone else.
Click to expand...
One of my favorites quotes from Robert Heinlein
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects
 
officerripley said:
I tell them I have a high school diploma and watch their faces kind of shut down. (I notice that nobody who has only a hs dipl ever asks me; it's always some1 with a degree...funny that. ;)
Click to expand...

I still think I'd deflect the question. It's none of anyone's business except someone who is hiring you. And after that the question is whether or not you are doing the job in an acceptable fashion, unless you are doing a job that requires a license, in which case the question becomes whether or not you are licensed.

Coming from someone in a social or quasi-social situation, I'd find the question offensive and intrusive, like asking me how much I weighed or whether or not I'm a Christian/Jew/Muslim, etc.

I just flat refuse to give people ammunition with which to belittle me. And I refuse to be belittled by snobs-- the problem is not who you are, it's who THEY are.
 
officerripley said:
We are financially able to move into something smaller and nice (now in a too-large house and on an acre and too far out from town now, so when we can no longer drive at all--coming sooner rather than later--hoo boy). And I don't even want to go to the opposite extreme and move into a tiny apt; I'd be happy with a slightly smaller house & yard or a mobile in a nice park, or a nice little 2 bedrm condo; something where there were people closer in age to us (we're both retired) & maybe they had some activities for residents; our neighborhood now is basically a ghost town 40 hours a week because most of the neighbors are younger & still working. I'm no longer able to volunteer/do clubs, etc. due to driving/health issues & not a churchgoer and I get so darn lonely. But my husband spends most of his time on the golf course; refuses to accept that soon we'll no longer be able to drive (says he's going to drive 'till he drops dead & if that's behind the wheel, so be it); this is not only the nicest place he's ever lived, it's the *only* nice place he's ever lived; so he flat refuses to move; says he's sorry I'm lonely in this neighborhood but "oh well."

Oh, and we've never had kids, so none that can try to help me convince him to move to somewhere we'll both be happy. (I hear that even if you do have kids, that doesn't always work anyway.)

I do spend time online which helps only a tiny bit with the loneliness; I'd rather have face-to-face social contacts but as I said above, harder & harder for me to get out & our taxi/uber situation here is subpar. (All of the groups around here for gals in my age group anyway seem to be grandkid or artsy/crafty things, neither of which applies to me.)

I've tried talking & talking to him about this but he just gets angrier & angrier. (And now, he recently found out his younger brother has terminal cancer, so his emotional state is even more iffy.)

So any suggestions? And thanks for listening anyway.

--
Click to expand...
I am sorry for the predicament. I was in something similar while care giving for my husband for the last year he was here. I liked to watch television, and get on forums. That is the closest I could get to conversing with other people. I liked to read, today I do find the word puzzles, and sew masks, anything to keep my mind focused on something. I used to crochet and quilt, but now I find other hobbies. An election is coming up, so I buy and read books about views of the two men. So, this I hope is of some help.
 
Kayelle said:
@officerripley :cool:
I'm just curious if you read the detailed response I left for you yesterday at post #95?
Click to expand...
Hi, Kayelle, yes I did read your very nice post; sorry it's taken so long to respond (family/lawyer stuff going on, sigh). The place you're living sounds wonderful & I would love to move out of this area but the little bit of family we have (nieces & nephews) are here so we're kind of stuck here. Sounds like you're in a really nice place, though. :)
 
Aneeda72 said:
😂 kind of, he had testing, of course, at a medical center which showed his level of rage and other things was high which I already knew. The doctor who tested him recommend therapy, medication, and that I be very very careful. I am always very very careful around him-a lesson learned years ago.
Click to expand...
Wow! I wouldn't remain married or in the same house as someone with a high level of rage, or around whom I had to be "very, very careful." That's no way to live.
 
Aneeda72 said:
😂 kind of, he had testing, of course, at a medical center which showed his level of rage and other things was high which I already knew. The doctor who tested him recommend therapy, medication, and that I be very very careful. I am always very very careful around him-a lesson learned years ago.
Click to expand...
Sounds like he has BPD.
 
Aneeda72 said:
Or make bread from scratch, or make a pie crust, or knit a sweater, or make a fishing net, or sew a blouse, or make a quilt or do a million other things. A college education and having a high IQ does not mean a person is capable of doing anything else outside of their skill set.

It does not mean they are happier, well liked, or more satisfied with their circumstances than anyone else.
Click to expand...

Very well said Aneeda!!!👩‍🎓👨‍🎓
 
officerripley said:
Hi, Kayelle, yes I did read your very nice post; sorry it's taken so long to respond (family/lawyer stuff going on, sigh). The place you're living sounds wonderful & I would love to move out of this area but the little bit of family we have (nieces & nephews) are here so we're kind of stuck here. Sounds like you're in a really nice place, though. :)
Click to expand...
Darn, I think you would be a great neighbor for me and the rest of the park. Honestly, you can't be so far away from here that your family couldn't come here to visit you. Would you mind telling me how far from Ventura County you are?
 
911 said:
Sounds like he has BPD.
Click to expand...
Are you referring to bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? I know a fellow that worked at the airport in Dallas as a lead mechanic that had borderline personality disorder and he always came across as being mad at the world. I think he could have hit the power ball and been unhappy.

I was in Dallas and before takeoff, our gyro on the right side was not working properly, so we requested that a mechanic take a look at it. As the mechanic was on his way to our gate to check out the gyro, we received a call from the shed advising us that this man had issues. The F/O and I walked around him as if we were on eggshells. That’s very uncomfortable.
 
StarSong said:
Wow! I wouldn't remain married or in the same house as someone with a high level of rage, or around whom I had to be "very, very careful." That's no way to live.
Click to expand...
Well, that would be your choice, but be aware that men, who have killed men, woman, and children, do not come back from war all sunshine and roses.
 
Kayelle said:
Darn, I think you would be a great neighbor for me and the rest of the park. Honestly, you can't be so far away from here that your family couldn't come here to visit you. Would you mind telling me how far from Ventura County you are?
Click to expand...
Hi, Kayelle, I'm about 500 miles from Ventura County.
 
officerripley said:
Hi, Kayelle, I'm about 500 miles from Ventura County.
Click to expand...
Awww, shoot! This is such a huge state and you must be way up north. Just the same, my younger son and his little family moved 500 miles away up to Reno, at the start of the pandemic, and I was a real mess. I miss him like crazy, but he can come home to visit us...not the other way around. At our age, that's agreed without question.
At any rate, I wish you good luck with an unreasonable partner.
 


Back
Top