Here I go again, grieving over my problems with my son.

[Shalimar]

By now, one would think I would have accepted that I just can’t fix this. For whatever reason, my son has issues when it comes to his mother. Do I have a clue what they are? Not really. Does he? I have my doubts. Regardless, I choose distance over being complicit in a relationship which lacks compassion, no matter how pleasant he can be on other fronts. But, oh, it hurts. He is the only family I have. He has told me more than once I am the most loving and supportive person he has ever met. Ok, why isn’t that enough?

 

[MarciKS]

Is there a place for some back story?

 

[Sassycakes]

By now, one would think I would have accepted that I just can’t fix this. For whatever reason, my son has issues when it comes to his mother. Do I have a clue what they are? Not really. Does he? I have my doubts. Regardless, I choose distance over being complicit in a relationship which lacks compassion, no matter how pleasant he can be on other fronts. But, oh, it hurts. He is the only family I have. He has told me more than once I am the most loving and supportive person he has ever met. Ok, why isn’t that enough?

I'm sorry to hear you are going through all this now. I'm in a similar situation with my son. He is annoyed with me because I still have a connection with his ex-wife. I will never hurt her because of my 2 grandsons.
My son won't answer my calls or speak to me in any way. It breaks my heart but there isn't anything I can do to change things.

 

[Shalimar]

I am so sorry Sassycakes. Thank you for your kind words. I hope your son will realise that this is not the way to handle things. Hugs

 

[Shalimar]

Is there a place for some back story?

My son and I have had a difficult relationship for many years. He was very judgemental toward me, every infraction, real or imagined was magnified into a massive offence. As my therapist put it, “guilty bitch, how do you plead?” All focus was on the negative aspects of my behaviour as he saw them.

It was rather like being a recalcitrant daughter, regularly summoned to the library by a stern
Victorian father. He told me I had forfeited all emotional support and compassion while he was a teenager. Twice, when I was very poor, I asked him for food and was refused. Time passed, when I

could, I helped he and his wife with university and living expenses. He praised my generosity. Things appeared somewhat better, we fought seldom, until he repeated his same stance on lack of compassion. I broke down. It took two years for me to recover. Several years later, after on again

off again contact, I gave up, let go. Folded my tent and slipped away. I would not talk to him for eighteen months, although he tried repeatedly. Finally, when it seemed he had some understanding of my point of view around how disrespected I felt, we began to talk again. It seemed as if he was really trying, he told me he loved me with all his heart, but I remained wary. Good thing, it wasn’t long before the lack of compassion reared its head again. I politely told him how I felt, and retreated.

 

[Aneeda72]

It’s hard with children. You hope when they become adults they will view their parents more as human beings, instead a lot of times, it seems that they are still like baby birds always expecting more and more, always blaming, always judging. It’s so hard.

 

[Shalimar]

It’s hard with children. You hope when they become adults they will view their parents more as human beings, instead a lot of times, it seems that they are still like baby birds always expecting more and more, always blaming, always judging. It’s so hard.

Yes, it is. I spent almost twenty years doing my utmost to raise a strong, healthy, confident, comfortable with his emotions, and principled son, who was not broken like his mother. I succeeded. We are very much alike in many ways, but he is comfortable in his own skin, which I will never be.

 

[MarciKS]

*Warm hug* Sometimes our perceptions of what is happening isn't always how things are. I used to blame my mother for a lot of my grief. Later I understood why she was the way she was. I don't think any mother should have to tolerate that kind of emotional abuse though. I'm sure it's not easy to entertain any ideas of walking away from your own child. I'm sorry he continues to hurt you.

 

[Shalimar]

Marci, thanks so much

 

[MarciKS]

Marci, thanks so much

I just wish I had some idea how to help you. It's hard when you're hurting.

 

[Shalimar]

I just wish I had some idea how to help you. It's hard when you're hurting.

You are a jewel. It helps so much knowing that people care, that I am not just stuck inside my head wondering why things are the way they are. After decades of being the family sin eater, first for the older generation, and later my son, I learned to walk away. Healthy, but isolating. Your kindness soothes more than u know.

 

[AnnieA]

So sorry to see this. Know you know from your line of work that grief comes in waves. So glad you have your own therapist to turn to and a place like this to share your pain.

 

[MarciKS]

You are a jewel. It helps so much knowing that people care, that I am not just stuck inside my head wondering why things are the way they are. After decades of being the family sin eater, first for the older generation, and later my son, I learned to walk away. Healthy, but isolating. Your kindness soothes more than u know.

That's my main goal in life. To be soothing. It doesn't always work out. But I try.

 

[jujube]

We do our best with them and then what happens after that often is out of our hands.

 

[PopsnTuff]

So glad to hear you still see your therapist @Shalimar cuz lots of folks need their support and suggestions for a long time....have a handful of friends that do.....you can only go to that half way point with any relationship and try not to cross over, where the other one is stealing your energy, jmo....I gave up friendships that became like this, but when it's family, I'm sure its even harder and more painful.....thinking of you kindly with this ongoing situation with your son.....my relationship with my older son is no picnic for me either, and he lives with me! oye vay.....

 

[Shalimar]

Thanks so much everyone, your thoughtful words really help.

 

[Knight]

Not easy for everyone to do. I mean by that if I have no way to control the situation I let it go. Letting it go can generate doubts but until any doubt is proven one way or the other I put whatever on a back burner. I estimate 99.99% of the time I was right to let it go.

 

[Warrigal]

I have nothing useful to offer other than my admiration for you, Shali. It appears to me that you have eaten too many sins of others and if I were a priest I would say to you "Child of a loving God, your sins are all forgiven, go in peace. Eat no more bitter fruit."

I am sure you are familiar with the Serenity Prayer. It contains both wisdom and a way forward. I cannot recommend it enough.

I am wrapping you in my love, hoping it will give you strength when you need it.

 

[Shalimar]

I have nothing useful to offer other than my admiration for you, Shali. It appears to me that you have eaten too many sins of others and if I were a priest I would say to you "Child of a loving God, your sins are all forgiven, go in peace. Eat no more bitter fruit."

I am sure you are familiar with the Serenity Prayer. It contains both wisdom and a way forward. I cannot recommend it enough.

I am wrapping you in my love, hoping it will give you strength when you need it.

Ohhh, Warri, you touch my heart. As always, you provide clarity and kindness. I shall use your love as a touchstone when the pain threatens to overwhelm me.

 

[Phoenix]

My husband has had numerous problems with his two daughters. He's one of the best fathers a kid could ask for. As his kids were growing up all their friends loved him, wanted him to be their father. His daughters could not be trusted to tell the truth. They stole from him. They lied to and about him. They tried to manipulate him. The list is long. There came a time when they broke that last straw. The problems in the relationship was of their making not his. I've mentioned this before. What I'm saying is that often kids, even those who should have grown up by now, don't. There are many reasons. I've seen the way it has hurt him. I'm sure, Shali, what your son has done has hurt you just as much. It's wrenching. Just know you are a good soul, one of high value, always.

 

[Shalimar]

My husband has had numerous problems with his two daughters. He's one of the best fathers a kid could ask for. As his kids were growing up all their friends loved him, wanted him to be their father. His daughters could not be trusted to tell the truth. They stole from him. They lied to and about him. They tried to manipulate him. The list is long. There came a time when they broke that last straw. The problems in the relationship was of their making not his. I've mentioned this before. What I'm saying is that often kids, even those who should have grown up by now, don't. There are many reasons. I've seen the way it has hurt him. I'm sure, Shali, what your son has done has hurt you just as much. It's wrenching. Just know you are a good soul, one of high value, always.

Thanks my friend.

 

[Butterfly]

Shali, I am so sorry you are going thru this all again. I would have had to let go, too, for my own mental health. We just have to do the best we can -- that's all we can do. I'll hold you in my heart.

 

[grahamg]

By now, one would think I would have accepted that I just can’t fix this. For whatever reason, my son has issues when it comes to his mother. Do I have a clue what they are? Not really. Does he? I have my doubts. Regardless, I choose distance over being complicit in a relationship which lacks compassion, no matter how pleasant he can be on other fronts. But, oh, it hurts. He is the only family I have. He has told me more than once I am the most loving and supportive person he has ever met. Ok, why isn’t that enough?

I once listened to a woman describe the sort of mother she had been to her three daughter, and I totally believed her when she said she'd been an excellent mother, and yet aged about thirty, one of these three daughters had distanced herself from her mother, when she had her first child.

My guess would be, and its only a guess, (and I didn't get to tell the mother of three my thought), was this daughter felt the need to distance herself simply because her mother was so good a mum, and she'd have felt inadequate by comparison whilst trying to do her best for her own new baby/child.

Odd to think there might be fault, or a problem with being an outstanding mother, but there may be if the child feels slightly intimidated she can't emulate her, or reach her level, but must nonetheless gain confidence in whatever mothering skills she has, (there was another aspect involving this daughter having more to do with her dad, as she moved away from contact with her mother, but I don't think it was the cause of the trouble, and the excellent mother/grandmother didn't claim this either).

 

[MarciKS]

Sometimes in life no matter what our hearts want...we have to let go of people we don't want to let go of in order to keep our sanity and have a fruitful life. It's sad...some kids have really good parents and they treat them like crap later on. Then there's other kids who have no parents and could use the love and there's none to receive.

I love my parents more than anything. They're the only friends I've ever truly had. But sometimes they mock me or say terrible things that remind me of the verbal abuse I received as a child. I've had to take a step back from them. Especially right now. My father has been being rather unreasonable and free with his remarks. Doesn't care who he upsets. We have to do what we have to do to survive.

 

[Shalimar]

Shali, I am so sorry you are going thru this all again. I would have had to let go, too, for my own mental health. We just have to do the best we can -- that's all we can do. I'll hold you in my heart.

Thanks so much, my friend.