Nothing Beats Marriage

My mother died when my father was 72. He lived out on a mountain in a house surrounded by trees. It was a heavenly place when he was with the woman he loved but very lonely after she died.

Two women started courting him almost immediately, coming over with food, inviting him to dinner (the way to a man's heart and all that.) He eventually proposed to the one he liked best, but she wanted to keep things in the dating phase. The other one wanted marriage and they shared a love of painting together, but he had left it to late with her, she had found someone else.

Finally, in his 80's he met a pretty forty year old blonde and the two of them really fell in love, ( I never fully understood her side of this.) They had a really good dating life for a short while and then he started having mini-strokes and having dementia. I felt really sorry for both of them.

What always stood out to me was how important it is to have someone in your life to talk to everyday and share outings. Maybe not marriage but a steady significant other can really help make life worthwhile.
 

Bella said:
Some men seem able to move on quickly after their spouse dies. Making a deal with a woman to do domestic chores in return for financial support is doable. Companionship can be part of the deal if you want her to move in. There is no love. In that case, should that type of marriage be agreed upon, if you can call it a marriage, there would have to be a prenup. You can't just promise someone something like financial support, there would have to be a prenup guaranteeing it.

I'm all for thinking ahead and anticipating problems, especially given our advanced age, but I would at least wait until my spouse's body had cooled before trying to replace her.


Funny you should say that, @Happy Heart. One evening my husband and I were talking, and he said, "If anything happens to me, find yourself a nice man." I looked at him and thought, "Sure, I'll just go to The Man Store and find myself a nice one." I know he meant well and was concerned about me being alone, and I appreciated it, but... 🤨
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I'm still working on training issues after over 25 years so I don't have enough time left to start a new session with someone else. In time I might be open to companionship but NO nurse and purse at this time of life.
 
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Happy Heart said:
I'm still working on training issues after over 25 years so I don't have enough time left to start a new session with someone else. In time I might be open to companionship but NO nurse and purse since I have my own money and don't need support.
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Well, you can teach an old dog new tricks, but it's a lot of work. I have no desire to train anyone. Kindness, compatibility and having common interests in a companion would be nice. I don't need anyone to jump through hoops. 😁
 

I can't resist recommending one of my favorite books here.
"Out of Warranty" by Haywood Smith

It's about a man and woman in their early sixties, who meet in the waiting room of a doctor who specializes in the rare disease they both have.
It's an allergy to just about everything, requiring them to live in a very clean, spare environment and take lots of pills. He lives in a very cluttered old farm house. She lives in a perfect, clean condo, but her insurance doesn't cover her meds. They end up getting married so she will be on his insurance and he will have a clean place to live.

It's warm and funny and touches on so many problems older people have.
 
Della said:
I can't resist recommending one of my favorite books here.
"Out of Warranty" by Haywood Smith

It's about a man and woman in their early sixties, who meet in the waiting room of a doctor who specializes in the rare disease they both have.
It's an allergy to just about everything, requiring them to live in a very clean, spare environment and take lots of pills. He lives in a very cluttered old farm house. She lives in a perfect, clean condo, but her insurance doesn't cover her meds. They end up getting married so she will be on his insurance and he will have a clean place to live.

It's warm and funny and touches on so many problems older people have.
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That sounds interesting!
 
Remy said:
@EmptyCup and @Gaer I think there are people who just have a hard time being alone. And if finding someone soon works for them, than I say that's a good thing.

On another note, I can't believe I waited 7 months to adopt my kittens after my last old girl died. I don't know how I lasted that long.
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On a note about what Mitch wrote --- we don't know all that Mitch is feeling or thinking. One could read his statement and think that he, like many humans, finds life incredibly difficult without a close relationship which is understandable. And I noted that he did state he would be looking for empathy and sympathy which shows thoughtfulness on his part and maybe he has a lot of these 2 things to give to someone. Two things could be true at one time --- that he loves his current wife AND that he would not want to pine away if she passed. We could also consider that his current wife may be fully aware of exactly where Mitch stands on this subject and is cool with it.
 
DeePhase2 said:
On a note about what Mitch wrote --- we don't know all that Mitch is feeling or thinking. One could read his statement and think that he, like many humans, finds life incredibly difficult without a close relationship which is understandable. And I noted that he did state he would be looking for empathy and sympathy which shows thoughtfulness on his part and maybe he has a lot of these 2 things to give to someone. Two things could be true at one time --- that he loves his current wife AND that he would not want to pine away if she passed. We could also consider that his current wife may be fully aware of exactly where Mitch stands on this subject and is cool with it.
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I wasn’t rendering judgement on the OP. If a couple meet on a Monday and get married on a Friday, more power to them. They are consenting adults.
The “viewpoint” I was referring to was if there were minor children involved, which there were in this story. I should have been more clear. Yes, I DO render a judgement in that case.
 
DeePhase2 said:
Two things could be true at one time --- that he loves his current wife AND that he would not want to pine away if she passed. We could also consider that his current wife may be fully aware of exactly where Mitch stands on this subject and is cool with it.
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I think everyone understood this. Mitch seems like a nice guy and I'm sure no one's response meant that he should pine away. Most of the comments that were negative (at least my own) were most likely about the "insensitive-sounding" statement that he would replace a wife of more than 6 decades "within 30 days."
 
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DeePhase2 said:
On a note about what Mitch wrote --- we don't know all that Mitch is feeling or thinking. One could read his statement and think that he, like many humans, finds life incredibly difficult without a close relationship which is understandable. And I noted that he did state he would be looking for empathy and sympathy which shows thoughtfulness on his part and maybe he has a lot of these 2 things to give to someone. Two things could be true at one time --- that he loves his current wife AND that he would not want to pine away if she passed. We could also consider that his current wife may be fully aware of exactly where Mitch stands on this subject and is cool with it.
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Yes, why would someone, who prefers marriage, want to be single? Some kind of moral high ground? A proper mourning period? I've been on my own for a few years, and I regard it as just a waste. How long is this supposed to go on?

I knew an older woman who got married a year after her husband died. My boyfriend-at-the-time thought it was very improper. He wanted to continue thinking of her as "poor Betty whose husband died."

One of my neighbors was married for 65 years and by all accounts was happily married. Within months of her husband's death, she had a new boyfriend, a friend from her youth. I think they're driving around Mexico now. Lucky them!
 
seadoug said:
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I have never understood why their marriage worked. My grandfather was always difficult, but he became more so when he married his second wife. I'm sure she must have truly loved him, but why any woman would up with that is beyond me. He was by no means wealthy, so it wasn't about the money. Is it co-dependence or did she just have such low self-esteem that she would do anything to please?
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Maybe taking care of your granddad gives her self-worth, and that's something she'll always have. Sad to think she'll look back with regret, but I bet she won't.

I stopped asking my wife why she married me, or even wanted to. Her answer was always "Because I wanted to be your wife," or "Because I adore you" ....simple as that. Granted, I'm not really difficult to get along with. I do have little quirks, like "this goes here and that goes there" and "close the lid before you flush," but Michelle's got hers, too, and none of it challenges anyone's authority or damages anyone emotionally.

Your granddad's lady sounds a lot like my mom, who was taught to keep her family happy and was very happy to do so.
 
When I met my husband he was like a breath of fresh air in the Silicon Valley, a gentle soul which is what I needed. We compliment each other and I can't imagine living with someone else. Really don't know who would want to put up me either.
I am curious how do these people meet someone and get married so fast? My gardener was telling us that his brother's wife #2 died last Spring, he quickly remarried and wife #3 also recently suffered a fatal heart attack. I have to wonder whether there will be a #4! When my favorite cat died from cancer several years ago, it took two years before I could open up to another one. People are harder for me to get over.
 
NorthernLight said:
Yes, why would someone, who prefers marriage, want to be single? Some kind of moral high ground? A proper mourning period? I've been on my own for a few years, and I regard it as just a waste. How long is this supposed to go on?

I knew an older woman who got married a year after her husband died. My boyfriend-at-the-time thought it was very improper. He wanted to continue thinking of her as "poor Betty whose husband died."

One of my neighbors was married for 65 years and by all accounts was happily married. Within months of her husband's death, she had a new boyfriend, a friend from her youth. I think they're driving around Mexico now. Lucky them!
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I think the older one is the shorter that mourning period needs to be. We don't have time to waste for the sake of some sort of Victorian rule of manners. I didn't mind at all that my father was dating within a few months. I knew how much he loved my mother, and I also knew how desperately lonely he was. He told my that he went into town every day for just any excuse and then cried when he got back home.

Some people are fine alone and that's great for them, but others just hate waking up or going home to an empty house. I know I'll probably always have my son living with me so I won't have to experience that, but if I did I'd be out looking for someone. Older men hit on me all the time when I'm shopping alone and I know it's simply because a lifetime of customer service jobs have caused me to hold eye contact and smile too much.

You're the sweetest person ever, @NorthernLight you'd make some lonely old man very happy. Go to the grocery store! Loiter over the produce! Park in Walmart, open your hood and look bewildered! You can do it!
 
Some Victorian rules mean little but when someone is suffering a loss, it takes time to heal. Jumping into another relationship before then isn't fair to either person at that point. Someone told me to avoid a romantic relationship with someone just out of one because they will suck the life out of you and then move on after dumping on you. Not everyone will do that, but it is best to let time heal the pain and then build a healthy relationship.
 
Happy Heart said:
Some Victorian rules mean little but when someone is suffering a loss, it takes time to heal. Jumping into another relationship before then isn't fair to either person at that point. Someone told me to avoid a romantic relationship with someone just out of one because they will suck the life out of you and then move on after dumping on you. Not everyone will do that, but it is best to let time heal the pain and then build a healthy relationship.
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This is a valid consideration. But I'm of the opinion that many men never "move on," no matter how many years have passed. They will never appreciate the new woman. For this reason, I'm leery of widowers, period.
 
It is always best to know yourself, and the other person, before getting tangled up. What I know about myself is that I need time and can't jump from one relationship to another. After a serious dating relationship in my younger years I would always need a few years "off" before getting serious again. We each have to do what is best for ourselves since no one knows us better.
 
I didn't marry until my late twenties. While I love my husband and my life with him more than words can express, living on my own or with various roommates for about ten years taught me that I don't need a man around.

That's particularly true now because I have additional support in my life: nearby are two sons plus a son-in-law, all of whom would gladly help with chores I couldn't manage. Same with my DD and 2 DDILs.

DH is in the same boat. Can't imagine either of us would be interested in remarrying if widowed.
 
Happy Heart said:
Some Victorian rules mean little but when someone is suffering a loss, it takes time to heal. Jumping into another relationship before then isn't fair to either person at that point. Someone told me to avoid a romantic relationship with someone just out of one because they will suck the life out of you and then move on after dumping on you. Not everyone will do that, but it is best to let time heal the pain and then build a healthy relationship.
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Commonly known as "rebound guy/girl". Never a good place to be! :oops:
 
I'd like telling you a joke. But it is very difficult since it works only in the German language. It goes "Was reizt Sie nach 30 Jahren noch an ihrer Frau?" (What attracts you after 30 years of marriage yet of your wife?). In German language the verb 'reizen' means to attract but also to irritate. So if you tell a German the joke everyone understands at first "What attracts you after 30 years of marriage of your wife yet?" The answer in the joke is: "Every word!" Only then everybody knows that the question was "what irritates you ..."
But let me tell you that I'd need another five years to know if this is a joke or the truth 🤣.
 
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