The jokes only thread....

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, “If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose. ” While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra. ”

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his *****. With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother. ”
 

An Extrovert;

How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ? He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.

How can you tell an extrovert mathematician from an introvert mathematician?
An extrovert mathematician will be looking at the other guy's shoes.

Engineers How do you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?
They look at *your* shoes while they talk to you.

What's the difference between an introverted physicist and an extroverted physicist? An extroverted physicist looks at *your* shoes when they're talking to you.

What's the difference between an introverted scientist and an extroverted scientist? An extroverted scientist will stare at YOUR feet. Scientists don't wear shoes a lot of the time.
 
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A blind man went to a restaurant.​

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, Oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
 

Have you ever asked, Wonder Why,, What if,, said, “just because”. ,,,shook your head no,,,,
Nodded in agreement or disagreed wit a shake of something. Have you weighed every part of your body separately and found you weigh more? Was it water retention or did you cut it wrong!
 
Sassycakes said:

A blind man went to a restaurant.​

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, Oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
Click to expand...
Now that’s just sick! …..:ROFLMAO:
 
Guy, "My grandfather knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die.

It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day,
and he was right about that, too.”

2nd Guy: “Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?”

Guy: “A judge told him.”
 
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." — Henny Youngman
**********************************

I just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
*********************************************
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
***************************************

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
 
Lil Johnny is helping him mom and her new Flower Shop start up.
1st customer comes in , picks 3 Mum pots, $36.00 tabs up on Cash Register.
Next its 2 hanging plants. $28.00 each. $36 + $56 = $92 + 8% sales tax.
“We can’t take Debit or credit cards.” Customer pulls out $100 in 5- $20’s.
Hands Lil Johnny the cash, Lil Johnny pulls cash register cord. Says, “Power failure.”
“That’s OK,” says customer and takes his flowers.
Later Lil Johnny yells, Mommy we had frost bite again!
 
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Did you know it runs around $300,000 to send your Kid to school.
Your Dog can get his PHD for $300…
He also doesn’t care if the mashed potatoes have peas in them.
He doesn’t pester you for a new cellular phone.
He likes his nap times, never lies, and it doesn’t
Take 45 minutes to get him ready to go outside.
He may cost you well over $1000 first day but then is affordably happy
For many years sleeping on the couch.
 
A man went to visit his 90 year old uncle who lived on a very secluded farm in the Florida Panhandle. He had not seen his uncle in over 20 years, because the uncle only left the farm for groceries and doctor’s appointments, and never ventured far from his farm. The two men spent hours chatting the night away, and finally went to bed after midnight. Early the next morning, his uncle prepared a wonderful country breakfast of bacon, eggs, biscuits, and hash-browns. As he finished his breakfast the man noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his uncle asking, “Are these plates clean?” His uncle replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal!”
For lunch the old man grilled up some hamburgers. Again, the man was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”

Later that afternoon, as the man was packing his car to leave, his Uncle’s dog came out from under the front porch. The dog started to growl, and bear his teeth, with the hair standing up on his back as the man tried to go back in the house and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said, “Uncle Ned, your dog won’t let me come back in the house.” Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted,
“COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!’
1693868054508-png.171927
 
I'm in the Cafe late last night. Goes into the Bathroom and above the Urinal is.

"Dyslexics of the World Untie!"


Do you know Orlando Fla. is near Dismal World?

Do you know the difference between a Snake lying in the middle of the road &
The Lawyer lying in the Middle of the Road?

There are skid marks in front of the Snake!
 
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Guy and his Wife are ready for bed. He goes into the bathroom,

Comes back to the bed with a glass of water and 2 Tylenol.

Guy holds them out to the lil woman. "What are these for, I don't have a headache?" twss

"GotCha!" twht
 
Sassycakes said:

Former President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.​

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."
Click to expand...
ROFLM*O!! :LOL::ROFLMAO: Gotta share!
 
The Older Guy is on the Rivera and isn't doing will with the Hotties.
He sees a French guy and asks him, "How do you meet all the Gals on this beach?"
French guy says, "Go to open Kiosk and buy a large Potato and put it in your Swim Shorts."
So our Gent gets a Potato, puts it in his Shorts and tries and tries to allure the Hotties.
No luck has he, so he goes back to the French Guy and asks again, "How do you meet the Ladies here?"
The Frenchman says, "Try moving the potato to the front of your shorts!"
 
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

He says, "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.

"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.

The wife says, "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."

"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
 
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