Do you want to die in a hospice or at home?

OregonGuy

OregonGuy

Senior Member
During April 2020 my wife was told by her Las Vegas oncologist she would probably die before June (he was correct). She considered living out her days at one of three places:

1, Her oldest son’s residence in Los Angeles,CA (I say “her’” instead of “our’ because her children had never really accepted me since we had married in 2010

2. In our Las Vegas home, Medicare would provide a hospital bed, medical equipment, drugs (including morphine), a nurse who would check her every other day, and a person who would come in every morning to clean her up, change the sheets, and comb her hair. (Medicare would have made the same provisions if she if she had resided at her son’s place.)

3. Hospice: 24/7 round the clock skilled nursing care. Meals, TV, and internet.

She chose our Las Vegas home option because “home was home” and the hospice setting would invade her privacy and ability to be with friends and family any time of the day.

Unfortunately since her family lived 300 miles away they chose to only visit her on the two weekends before she passed, Since we had only recently moved to Las Vegas for her health she had no friends she felt comfortable enough to ask them to help me with shopping, house cleaning, fixing her meals, etc,

So I was her only meal fixer, drug provider (I cannot believe I, at age 74, was tasked with giving her morphine when I alone decided she needed it!) and close friend

I did the best I could for her, including sleeping on the floor next to her bed to be ready to respond to her needs.

I believe the stress and exhaustion I incurred during the ordeal was the reason why I was hospitalized with pneumonia two weeks after she passed (btw her family was not at her bedside when she passed).

While I was in the hospital the PT folks noticed I was shuffling my feet and suggested it was a sign of Parkinson’s disease. Sure enough after a brain scan I was diagnosed with PD.

I apologize for this venting. I hope the benefit from this is to prompt you to consider the following before deciding to spend your final days at home instead of at a hospice:

  • Can you afford to pay for 24/7 in home care?
  • Will friends and/or family team up to provide 24/7 in home care?
 

OregonGuy said:
During April 2020 my wife was told by her Las Vegas oncologist she would probably die before June (he was correct). She considered living out her days at one of three places:

1, Her oldest son’s residence in Los Angeles,CA (I say “her’” instead of “our’ because her children had never really accepted me since we had married in 2010

2. In our Las Vegas home, Medicare would provide a hospital bed, medical equipment, drugs (including morphine), a nurse who would check her every other day, and a person who would come in every morning to clean her up, change the sheets, and comb her hair. (Medicare would have made the same provisions if she if she had resided at her son’s place.)

3. Hospice: 24/7 round the clock skilled nursing care. Meals, TV, and internet.

She chose our Las Vegas home option because “home was home” and the hospice setting would invade her privacy and ability to be with friends and family any time of the day.

Unfortunately since her family lived 300 miles away they chose to only visit her on the two weekends before she passed, Since we had only recently moved to Las Vegas for her health she had no friends she felt comfortable enough to ask them to help me with shopping, house cleaning, fixing her meals, etc,

So I was her only meal fixer, drug provider (I cannot believe I, at age 74, was tasked with giving her morphine when I alone decided she needed it!) and close friend

I did the best I could for her, including sleeping on the floor next to her bed to be ready to respond to her needs.

I believe the stress and exhaustion I incurred during the ordeal was the reason why I was hospitalized with pneumonia two weeks after she passed (btw her family was not at her bedside when she passed).

While I was in the hospital the PT folks noticed I was shuffling my feet and suggested it was a sign of Parkinson’s disease. Sure enough after a brain scan I was diagnosed with PD.

I apologize for this venting. I hope the benefit from this is to prompt you to consider the following before deciding to spend your final days at home instead of at a hospice:

  • Can you afford to pay for 24/7 in home care?
  • Will friends and/or family team up to provide 24/7 in home care?
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You've certainly been through a lot by the sounds of it. Sorry to hear you've got PD now... my father had parkinsons disease when he died...

Incidentally, PD doesn't cause death I hope they've told you that..
 
Well done OregonGuy! Good on you!
I was my mother's care giver the last 17 years of her life. It was a 24/7 job for the final 3 years. Her last 56 days were in hospice care at a skilled nursing home. I was there up to her very last moments.

There's no one to look after me. I'm in good health and actively keeping myself healthy.
But when the time comes, when I can't look after myself, I'll take care of the situation too......a DIY quick exit.
 
hollydolly said:
You've certainly been through a lot by the sounds of it. Sorry to hear you've got PD now... my father had parkinsons disease when he died...

Incidentally, PD doesn't cause death I hope they've told you that..
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Thank you ! I am very fortunate that my meds and extensive exercise (2 hours every day) are keeping the symptoms in check at the moment.
 
Repondering said:
Well done OregonGuy! Good on you!
I was my mother's care giver the last 17 years of her life. It was a 24/7 job for the final 3 years. Her last 56 days were in hospice care at a skilled nursing home. I was there up to her very last moments.

There's no one to look after me. I'm in good health and actively keeping myself healthy.
But when the time comes, when I can't look after myself, I'll take care of the situation too......a DIY quick exit.T
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Thank you ! I too will DIY Fortunately here in Oregon the Death with Dignaty law allows assisted suicide.
https://www.oregon.gov/oha/PH/PROVI...EATHWITHDIGNITYACT/Documents/requirements.pdf
 
I would prefer to die in hospice in a skilled nursing home because I don't want my hubby who is 8 years younger to have to tend to me. My preference would be to off myself because I saw what my mother went through during her last 30 days in hospice. @OregonGuy, you are truly a saint for taking care of your wife and I hope you are able to keep your Parkinson's under control.
 
chic said:
I would choose that option too if I could get the proper stuff that would do the job.
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Hot Tub water on wrists and razor blade / shaving knife. mess is contained but the long slits make it quick. I have held my dog Fergy after lethal injection a very gentle death, no big drama they stop very soon! Fergy had suffered thru Cancer on a rear leg surgery and then had Liver Cancer. The thing really isn't much of a big deal & it's kind at the Life's end trek. The rest is Total B.S.

All of this is about delay, delay is ripping off your kids' futures.

Maybe being a hunter, fisherman and Farmer raised and witnessed all the wonders and awful endings has hardened me to the facts of life, but they are still a going To happen, we should choose to help.

I have watched hog kills, seen the cattle's hides drug thru the Canal of water, seen the Cattle beef frozen and carried one at a time into the Trailers and hung there for transport in frozen truck trailers.
I have watched Butchers in Lockers drop a old cow or Steer with a 22 rifle slug in the brain and gut.

No kindness shown with all of that. Slaughter. Millions of slaughters every year. No kindness shown.
 
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seadoug said:
I would prefer to die in hospice in a skilled nursing home because I don't want my hubby who is 8 years younger to have to tend to me. My preference would be to off myself because I saw what my mother went through during her last 30 days in hospice. @OregonGuy, you are truly a saint for taking care of your wife and I hope you are able to keep your Parkinson's under control.
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TY skilled nursing is tailored to make the patient as comfortable as possible, They know best and have the proper equipment and meds.
 
Hi, @OregonGuy ... I'm sorry you've had to go through all this stress (both your wife's health and your own) with so little round-the-clock help.

As a home-visiting hospice RN, may I just clarify a couple things?

Either at home or in a hospice facility, a person utilizing the Medicare hospice benefit is under hospice. Granted, in the facility, there is round-the-clock nursing care; home-visiting hospice staff are not able to stay long-term for unlimited time in the home. Some of our families express the wish for the aid (the person who baths the patient) to stay for an extended period; since that is not do-able, hospices provide sitter lists (the family can hire their own caregivers) or the social worker can check into if there are any additional services available. It's a case-by-case situation.

Also, the hospice in-patient facility is seldom for more than a week to ten days; usually for sign/symptom management and adjustment of meds to stabilize the patient so they can return home.

All meds r/t patient's main diagnosis and managing signs/symptoms such as nausea/vomiting, pain, anxiety, etc are covered by the service. Basic medical equipment (hospital bed, oxygen, walker, bedside commode, etc) is also covered by the Medicare hospice benefit.

It is *very* tough when you are the only caregiver. I have not provided care in your state, but I know with our hospice, there is a nurse on-call at all times and our case managers (RNs) work very diligently to head off problems, provide education, and have meds in place for families to be able to deal with signs and symptoms.

I know you gave 110% to help your wife be comfortable, even to the detriment of your own health. I know it made a world of difference to her.
 
CinnamonSugar said:
Hi, @OregonGuy ... I'm sorry you've had to go through all this stress (both your wife's health and your own) with so little round-the-clock help.

As a home-visiting hospice RN, may I just clarify a couple things?

Either at home or in a hospice facility, a person utilizing the Medicare hospice benefit is under hospice. Granted, in the facility, there is round-the-clock nursing care; home-visiting hospice staff are not able to stay long-term for unlimited time in the home. Some of our families express the wish for the aid (the person who baths the patient) to stay for an extended period; since that is not do-able, hospices provide sitter lists (the family can hire their own caregivers) or the social worker can check into if there are any additional services available. It's a case-by-case situation.

Also, the hospice in-patient facility is seldom for more than a week to ten days; usually for sign/symptom management and adjustment of meds to stabilize the patient so they can return home.

All meds r/t patient's main diagnosis and managing signs/symptoms such as nausea/vomiting, pain, anxiety, etc are covered by the service. Basic medical equipment (hospital bed, oxygen, walker, bedside commode, etc) is also covered by the Medicare hospice benefit.

It is *very* tough when you are the only caregiver. I have not provided care in your state, but I know with our hospice, there is a nurse on-call at all times and our case managers (RNs) work very diligently to head off problems, provide education, and have meds in place for families to be able to deal with signs and symptoms.

I know you gave 110% to help your wife be comfortable, even to the detriment of your own health. I know it made a world of difference to her.
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Both home-hospice and in-hospice folks are angels! You all care for people you know are dying and yet somehow make your patients comfortable and important, How you can stay so upbeat in a sad situation day after day is truly remarkable.
 
spookycat said:
I recently read of a respected elder in his custom car hobby who passed... he said he was tired and went to sit under a shade tree, he did this occasionally. But he left in peace and right where he was at home. Godspeed
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Nice way to go. Would have been cool if he passed while sitting in his fav car.
Reminds me of the scene from On The Beach when the dying guy was recklessly racing as the world was overcome by an atomic bomb radioactivity.
 
chic said:
I meant the proper meds to induce eternal sleep. That's all. Much more peaceful.
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Gunny sack over head and tied tight, Dump some soap atop and fall over into the swimming pool after tying your hands and feet. 4 minutes and no pain. Why be afraid you a strong person with dignity. Works at a boat ramp with a strong current too. Feels great on a 90-degree summer humid night. Why put yourself - go thru all the humiliation of trying to hire someone to kill ya. If you got an enemy they will get the blame, you got them as your last laugh.
 
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HermitHogan said:
When I had my dog euthanized back in August, I felt like asking the vet, 'okay, can you do me now?'.

That seemed like such a peaceful way to go... a shot of morphine, something to induce sleep, and then something to stop the heart... all while being petted. I don't have any need to be petted, though.
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Your pet loved you! Millions are Euthanized. Near 360,000 dogs in 2023. (Dang Serial killers.)
 
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