How does a person live alone and not get lonely?

I think I am more drawn to a perspective that emotional maturity is not predicated on whether or not one really needs human interaction. Some of us do, and some of us don’t. No one size fits all approach seems to work

well with sentient beings. Lol. I think maturity is better found in being true to our inner self, and attempting to treat others as we would hope to be treated. The amount of interaction matters far less imho, than the type. In my practice, I see this play out time and time again. 🥰
 

oldiebutgoody said:
Am a born loner. Technically got 9 of 11 but only because

item 3 ~ don't have a smart (have a land line but rarely use it)

item 7 ~ don't use headphones anymore & did not buy a new one though I would gladly use it to scare off people


Otherwise, I'm the perfect 11 of 11.

As social scientists have said over the years, there is no real such thing as loneliness. That such a state of being is actually a sign of a low self esteem. People who like themselves don't ever feel lonely. Being alone is a sign of personal strength and self empowerment. Hopefully, some day the "lonely" people out there will learn it.
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What social scientists have said that loneliness is a sign of low self-esteem? I've never heard that before. Of course, there are a lot of things that I never heard before that turn out to be true.

I think it was professor and researcher John Cacioppo who said, and I quote to the best of my memory because I don't feel like Googling it, "Loneliness is not about being alone; it's about not feeling connected." If that's the case, there are plenty of people who are lonely simply because of an environment incongruent to what they need to thrive and connect. They're unable to find likeminded people, so they're lonely. That has nothing to do with low self-esteem but more to do with discontentment.
 
IFortuna said:
Hmmm, I can't understand why your posts would disappear. I would like to see the cites that would accompany your opinions. However, I don't expect anyone to agree with my opinion. I am speaking from my own experience. I just happen to believe that a person's life is much richer with one or many persons in it. I hate to make love with a *****, well you fill in the blanks. And, some people have no love or affection to share and I think that is sad and selfish not mature. That is just me. I see you have a different opinion and that is fine. Again, I don't expect you or anyone change on this subject. You are who you are and I am sure that it is lovely.
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IFortuna said:
:)
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~ life is much richer with one or many persons in it ~

Santa failed to send me a wealthy wife this Christmas. Shame on him!


~ opinion ~

I respect all viewpoints.


~ Truce? ~

No problem. Never was one in the first place. :)
 

IFortuna said:
Seems very stingy to hold all your love in your heart without giving it to anyone. That is assuming there is love there.
I seek out friends and partners because I have a lot of love to give. Find love in your heart to give. If there is none there and you are happy alone, I find this very sad.
I think it is very rude to suggest that lonely people are immature. Where is the compassion and empathy?
That is just my opinion though. ,If I cannot share my life, what is the point. Just an endless self serving, self absorbed existence.:(
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Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. I find your message disturbing for those of us who choose to be alone. You say it's rude to suggest lonely or people alone(?) are immature yet you say if you (or a person?) does not share their life it's self serving and self absorbed.

People who interact all the time with others do so for their benefit mostly (IMO) so isn't that self serving? Everyone is selfish in doing what is best for themselves and that DOESN'T make it a bad thing. We all do what we feel is best for our own survival and peace of mind. We all have our own reasons, too.

Maybe you have never led a life of being alone for a long time and cannot relate to us who have been. Making assumptions about us doesn't do us any good. There is plenty of good and also unselfishness in people who choose to be alone and we only interact when we feel to. And it's not sad IMO.
 
oldiebutgoody said:
I have posted numerous links previously. Because some may have been deleted and because I do not wish to anger the mods I will reply via PM.
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I read on another site that when you flood a thread with posts, some will be deleted. It is not personal the computer automatically does it. This happened to someone on YouTube also that flooded the genre with a contest that they were giving away a dvd. I am sure all sites have this feature. It is not you precisely, it seems to be the nature of most sites. :)
Ruthanne said:
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. I find your message disturbing for those of us who choose to be alone. You say it's rude to suggest lonely or people alone(?) are immature yet you say if you (or a person?) does not share their life it's self serving and self absorbed.

People who interact all the time with others do so for their benefit mostly (IMO) so isn't that self serving? Everyone is selfish in doing what is best for themselves and that DOESN'T make it a bad thing. We all do what we feel is best for our own survival and peace of mind. We all have our own reasons, too.

Maybe you have never led a life of being alone for a long time and cannot relate to us who have been. Making assumptions about us doesn't do us any good. There is plenty of good and also unselfishness in people who choose to be alone and we only interact when we feel to. And it's not sad IMO.
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I believe I said that what I wrote is my opinion. What you wrote or like is yours. I did not disrespect anyone that did not disrespect me first (I was making a point at how it felt to be labeled as immature if I choose not to be alone). I have led a life of being alone, I was fine but I like it better when I can share my life with someone else and friends. It doesn't make it a bad thing either. If you do not like that I have an opposite view then I feel even more sorry for you. Everyone has their opinion and I think that is fine even if I disagree. Lots of love to you. :)
 
Nathan said:
After my last divorce I decided to not get involved with anyone for a while, needed to figure out why I kept ending up in disastrous relationships.
...read a "self help" book, the one concept that really jumped out from the pages was- "you gotta enjoy your own company". Quite true, why should someone be dependent on "having" someone in their life, in order to be happy?

I did re-marry, but I did it right, did the courtship thing for 3 years so that we would get a chance to really know each other.
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There was a female radio personality, Dr. Laura, who as I recall said you shouldn't marry anyone you haven't known for at least two years. Good advice.
 
After my husband passed away I was lonely, I dated a few times but decided no I'm not going there... so....I got a dog, no longer lonely and I learned to like being alone.

Also, I figure I've raised a family, took care of my mom, worked hard for many years it's time that I live for myself and do whatever the h*ll I want to.
 
palides2021 said:
I have a question for those of you who have said they are comfortable living alone -
What brings you here to the Senior Forum? Isn't it a way of socializing? Just curious. I feel
like kindred spirits are here, so I keep coming back. :)
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Being comfortable living alone doesn’t mean being anti-social or incommunicado any more than aloneness means loneliness. They are two different things. People comfortable living alone come to the forums to socialize and communicate out of choice, not out of a compulsion or fear of being alone.
 
IFortuna said:
I read on another site that when you flood a thread with posts, some will be deleted. It is not personal the computer automatically does it.
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Actually, I got a note from a mod that said ''let's not go there''. No further comment was made. So, as one who respects the rules, I will restrict such ideas to PMs.
 
unfortunately lonlleyness is real in some cases it’s been their all our life. But we cover it up. By raising children chores or working taking care of a sick person. And we don’t have the time or the time to shed some light on our self. That’s mistake number one. Durning all those years we know we are lonely regardless of responsibilities. And never prepare for our future. That is enevitable. We got lost in the shuffle we did everything for others. not to say that is wrong. But had you taken one moment to stop and think about your self and not think of your self as being selfish. You could have had an incredible amount of hobbies through out the years as well as everything else and now that your an empty nester. You wouldn’t be lonely. So that’s the clue. Prepare everything in your young years so you have things to love and fall back on. But it’s never too late there are all kinds of courses and you don’t even have to leave your house. Places to go alone. An ice
cream parlor. A lounge a park a church grocery store where you can make friends so you don’t have to be lonely any mor. Good luck
 
Bretrick said:
I have lived alone for more than 30 years and in all that time I have never been lonely.
Some people do not need others around them to enjoy life.
While others have this compulsion to talk for talking's sake. To engage non stop in chit chat.
My method to stave off loneliness is to have a huge variety of interests. Be it Jigsaw Puzzles, crosswords, reading both fiction(horror) and non fiction books.
My number one method to keeping boredom at bay is to go camping across this wide state of mine. Western Australia is 2.646 million sq km's.(England is 130,000)
Camping, fishing, beach combing, bush walking, easy mountain climbing, canoeing, crabbing.
I know marriage is no guarantee to stave off loneliness. I have a strong self image of myself so I do not need constant reassurance from others. I do engage with those around me. I know my local corner store owner by name. We share life's little moments when I visit the store.
If and when negative thoughts crop up in my mind, and it does happen from time to time, I actively take steps to be rid of them. I say out loud, "Get out of my head, you are not wanted"
I write the negativity out of my mind. Very effective way to remove it. Pick up a pen and write. Do not think about what to write. Just let it flow until there is no more.
My life is one of contentment that I have made to work. It does not happen without putting in some effort. I smile inwardly when I hear people say, " I'm bored"
I think, "Well your not putting in an effort to change the situation."
Life does not come knocking on your door. You want a life of contentment? Get out there and make it.
Okay, so far I am not house bound and have the energy and drive to go out and about.
When I lose that? The afore mentioned activities will help stave off loneliness.
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Congrats. Betrix. You are the only one sensible one that. Answered the question correctly. Every one has a different conception of lonely and different reason why they are lonely the only thing I disagree with what you said. Telling them. How to go about curbing those feelings is important. Everyone’ is lonely for a different reason so therepy might help happy new year
 
Shalimar said:
I think I am more drawn to a perspective that emotional maturity is not predicated on whether or not one really needs human interaction. Some of us do, and some of us don’t. No one size fits all approach seems to work

well with sentient beings. Lol. I think maturity is better found in being true to our inner self, and attempting to treat others as we would hope to be treated. The amount of interaction matters far less imho, than the type. In my practice, I see this play out time and time again. 🥰
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~ no one size fits all ~

That is so true. Not everyone thinks alike or has the same needs.


My old friend called me from NY yesterday. Told me he absolutely hates to be alone, even for more than a couple of hours. Rather than spend time in his apartment, he prefers to be in his old apartment where his physically & developmentally disabled daughter lives. She is barely capable of recognizing him but even if she raises an eyebrow in his direction that much attention is good enough. The rest of the time her full time medical attendant's attention is all he needs as the attendant cooks and keeps everything clean.

Then he said, "I've known you for over 45 years. In all that time you've always been alone - no wife, no girl friend, almost no friends at all. How do you do it? Doesn't it bother you to always be alone?" My reply was that you don't miss what you never had. I spend the day cooking and baking, reading books, listening to oldies music or napping and writing online. Those are the cards life handed me so, I guess, that's good enough for me since I had no choice in this matter. If some wealthy heiress wants to walk into my life, that's her business. Meantime I've got my life to live. And one thing more: when you say 'treat others as we would hope to be treated' he also said that in all these years I have never been one to trouble another for anything. I never, never bother anyone and always stay out of people's way though I've always been willing to help others where need be such as filing tax returns for others.

My friend is emotionally dependent on others, I am not. Life gave him a loving family, but it did not do the same for me. This is why we are how we are today. That's just how life goes.
 
Some of us are perfectly content with our own company, and don't feel the need to be surrounded by other people. After being part of a family for the past 70 years, I'm alone now and loving it.
Social sites like this one give me contact with others and I find that is enough. I say hello to my neighbours but I make a point of not getting too involved with them.
 
oldiebutgoody said:
I also marvel at the incessant threads about "loneliness" and just cannot understand people's endless obsession with it. People need to grow up and to grow out of their self made problem. Like you, I keep busy by reading, cooking, watching sports, cleaning my apartment, watching youtube videos, etc.
All those tears these people have - yuck. If only they could see how silly it is to keep crying in public about nothing.
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Humans are social creatures. I think it is the exception rather than the rule that some of us don't need other people.
Loneliness is a serious issue, like depression and studies show it can shorten the life span.
Just know that like depression, saying "just get out there" or "snap out of it!"
is not only unhelpful, but shows a serious lack of compassion and understanding.
Congratulations to the two of you who are so happy being alone.
Much love and sympathy to those of you who are not.
 
Lavinia said:
Some of us are perfectly content with our own company, and don't feel the need to be surrounded by other people. After being part of a family for the past 70 years, I'm alone now and loving it.
Social sites like this one give me contact with others and I find that is enough. I say hello to my neighbours but I make a point of not getting too involved with them.
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In the phone conversation with my friend, I mentioned how social sites like this one are great for those who are lonely and feel the need to communicate with others. I post here and on youtube every day. Later today, I expect to attend a youth hockey game [for FREE!] and expect the same for tomorrow. It is so much better to stay active than just wallow at home in self pity. Lace on the boots, button up your jacket, and take a walk - there's a whole wide world out there with plenty to do and tons of fun to have. More often than not, just like the hockey game, all that fun is for free which makes it even more fun.
 
I have been basically lonely since hubbys stroke 10yrs ago, as he naps a lot during the day, and goes to bed at 6pm , as he gets so uncomfortable sitting down all day……
but thank god his brain wasn’t affected…..so he is still there to advise me and tell me everything is going to be ok ……..my soul mate …..❤️
 
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We live in a very sad society where people are "falling in love" with their TV screens and going to bed hugging a smartphone. Mammals, including homo sapiens (that's us) are warm blooded social animals. Yes, you can lock yourself in your home or apartment but without other people sharing ideas, feelings, problems and laughs you will be a rather sad person. I'm not surprised that suicides and depression is way up in Western Society. Here in Canada we have so many people living by themselves that the population is decreasing so our government is bringing plane loads of immigrants to keep the economy going. Very sad! I wouldn't even mention all the people that sleep with their dogs and cats!

 
Packerjohn said:
We live in a very sad society where people are "falling in love" with their TV screens and going to bed hugging a smartphone. Mammals, including homo sapiens (that's us) are warm blooded social animals. Yes, you can lock yourself in your home or apartment but without other people sharing ideas, feelings, problems and laughs you will be a rather sad person. I'm not surprised that suicides and depression is way up in Western Society. Here in Canada we have so many people living by themselves that the population is decreasing so our government is bringing plane loads of immigrants to keep the economy going. Very sad! I wouldn't even mention all the people that sleep with their dogs and cats!

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It is certainly true that the increase in depression and mental health problems seems to be caused by a feeling of isolation. Which is strange when you consider that the internet and mobile phones allows people to have MORE contact, not less.
There is nothing sad about people who prefer their own company....indeed I see the need for human contact as a weakness. I have been married and raised a family...I haven't lived as a nun. Now I'm enjoying my twilight years doing as I please and being thoroughly selfish!!
 
Laine said:
Just know that like depression, saying "just get out there" or "snap out of it!"
is not only unhelpful, but shows a serious lack of compassion and understanding.
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Not sure this is entirely so especially in view of links previously provided which prove loneliness is, more often than not, a sign of low self estimation. Ultimately, as rational adults, we are all responsible for ourselves.

While your point is well taken there are outlets available for everyone. I post on a youtube channel by a guy from the East Coast who admits to suffering from stress and seasonal depression (he is over 40 years of age). He says that the best way to deal with his condition is to go out and communicate with people as he does on his channel every day. Communication, not self isolation, is the best way to handle the situation. There is help. Everywhere and it, too, is for free.
 

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