Just senior humor

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years.
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard
a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see," commented the doctor calmly.
"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,
there were 5 more in the bowl," the woman continued.
"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50!.
This morning, there were 100 coins!"
"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said...

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(Ready for this?)
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(I'm warning you......)
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(Still not too late......delete now!)
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"You're simply going through the change"
 
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Not in running condition but walks well.
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Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone
to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of
breath not a problem.
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Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.
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Sexy, fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4 (used to be 5’6)
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
I usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday,
let’s put our two heads together.
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights,
and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
 
Killing time
A man was questioned about what he did with his time after bidding farewell to full-time employment.
“What do you do now that you are retired?” a friend asked him.
“I am fortunate to have a background in chemical engineering and one of the things
I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch and margaritas into urine,” he explained.

Adult Children
John was talking to his parents about life and his plans for the future.
His dad, after many years looking after his grown adult child, had a clear message for his son.
“Son, you’re 30-years-old now and we think it’s time you had your own place,” he began.
“We’ve just paid off our mortgage and we’d like to enjoy our retirement. Do you understand?”
After listening carefully, John replied: “That’s fair enough. I completely understand”.
His parents seemed pleased with the response and told him how proud they were of him
for taking the next step in his life. Equally happy with how the chat went,
John walked away and thought to himself:
“The first thing tomorrow, I’m going to start looking for a nursing home for them”

Retirement gifts
It was Harry’s last day of work before retirement.
His boss wanted to give a speech thanking him for his many years of service.
“Harry is a man who doesn’t know the meaning of impossible task,
who doesn’t know the meaning of lunch break, who doesn’t understand
the meaning of the word no,” he exclaimed. “So we’ve clubbed together and bought him a dictionary.”
 
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors,
but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming
and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem
was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old,
she has four grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as
he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
 
Never mess with them Again
Mitsy and Milda were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.
Mitsy said,
“My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their thank you notes
Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside.
I always received a lovely thank you note. However, since my daughter-in-law
stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them.”
Milda said,
“My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send thank you notes.
I, too, send them a very generous check. However, for the past several years,
I hear from them within a week after they receive it.
In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”
“Wow,” remarked Mitsy. “I wish mine would do that.”
“You can, Mitsy, you can.”
“How?” Mitsy asked.
“Simple,” Milda replied. “Do what I do: Don’t sign the check.”
 
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How children perceive their Grandparents......
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck.. "
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENT
 
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