My husband retired - I'm so depressed!

I hope you get that trip to Spain to enjoy your home there before it is sold. I know that weighs heavy on your heart right now.
 

Blessed said:
I hope you get that trip to Spain to enjoy your home there before it is sold. I know that weighs heavy on your heart right now.
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you're right it absolutely does. I had hoped that the airline crises was easing off, and that I'd perhaps be able to go soon.. but today the headline s are screaming that the Flight and check-in staff in Spain have all come out on strike, cancelling 100's of flights.. so no chance for me..
 
About Babs, I agree that she's probably long since gone from this forum. I did get the feeling that their problems were much more serious than what was appropriate for us to be dealing with here. They needed, at the very least, a good marriage counselor, and if it all still fell through, they needed a couple of lawyers. I hope things improved for them.

About Holly, I also cancelled a planned weekend trip. My daughter and SIL have a lovely vacation home in upstate New York in the Adirondocks, near Canada to their north and Vermont to their east. I've been there about 4 times and always enjoyed it. My son, who lives near me, and I had airline tickets to visit them for the 4th of July weekend, but I chickened out. Airports don't sound very healthy to me, and from what I've been reading and seeing on the news, our airline system is in chaos also. Umpteen flights have been cancelled.

My son is still planning to go, but he had to change the date. We were supposed to go today and had a nice early flight, but the airline changed it to 10 PM! He changed the date of travel to tomorrow, and we're hoping the airline doesn't once again change the time.

I guess it's still covid problems, plus the price of fuel that has caused all this.
 

Sunny said:
About Babs, I agree that she's probably long since gone from this forum. I did get the feeling that their problems were much more serious than what was appropriate for us to be dealing with here. They needed, at the very least, a good marriage counselor, and if it all still fell through, they needed a couple of lawyers. I hope things improved for them.

About Holly, I also cancelled a planned weekend trip. My daughter and SIL have a lovely vacation home in upstate New York in the Adirondocks, near Canada to their north and Vermont to their east. I've been there about 4 times and always enjoyed it. My son, who lives near me, and I had airline tickets to visit them for the 4th of July weekend, but I chickened out. Airports don't sound very healthy to me, and from what I've been reading and seeing on the news, our airline system is in chaos also. Umpteen flights have been cancelled.

My son is still planning to go, but he had to change the date. We were supposed to go today and had a nice early flight, but the airline changed it to 10 PM! He changed the date of travel to tomorrow, and we're hoping the airline doesn't once again change the time.

I guess it's still covid problems, plus the price of fuel that has caused all this.
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here in the UK airports it's the lack of staff caused by the layoffs during Covid...but in Spain they're striking for more money
 
Just read the original post and I get like you sometimes, but I ask myself, (Tom), do you want to be right, or do you want to be loved? And that's when I hear myself...I, I, I'm. Wow, so maybe try and give the guy and your marriage a break. No one is perfect. Work with him or at least give a thought to why he is the way he is, and you are the way you are. Hope it works out. If I've spoken wrongly, forgive me. I'm just a trying to be helpful. God bless, and peace.
 
I read the original post, and I'm sure Babs is long gone. With that said, I do feel the need to comment. I was forced to retire at 62 due to Covid, and my partner who had not worked for 6 years, went back to work so we could have health insurance. He has never had an issue with my retirement because I worked my a** off to provide for the household.

When he has his days off, we co-exist peacefully in the house and frequently go out individually on errands. I'm not sure why Babs was so stressed to be at home with her husband and felt the need to give up her hobbies. I think a successful marriage requires that each individual is truly independent with their own interests, not co-dependent. Sounds like she needed some counseling.
 
babs75 said:
My husband retired a month ago. He is 64-1/2. I am 62. It is really sooner than I would have liked but it's what he wanted. I will continue working. I love my job and make a good living at it. We will not be pulling social security or retirement yet. We are going to try to manage on my salary and our savings. It's depressing to have my income cut in half. We used to live a fairly comfortable life but he has always been a spender. He spends too much money and evidently now thinks that retirement is a vacation. He's upset with me that I've told him he needs to cut back. I've noticed the past month that he gets bored during the day so he goes to the store. I've laid all expenses out on a spreadsheet and we have been able to make a few changes but not nearly enough.

I enjoyed having the house to myself for an hour or so in the morning after he left for work. I would get to watch what news station I wanted to watch and catch up on DVR recordings while getting ready for work (he has control of the remote.....I could watch in another room but I rather like the TV in the family room so I DVR a lot of stuff. He seems to think he can dictate what I watch). Now there's no time to watch my recordings.

He goes to bed earlier than me because of all of those years of going to work at 6 a.m. and I get an hour to myself in the evening to chill. I tend to watch things he doesn't like and he will ALWAYS comment on what station the TV was on when he gets up in the morning so I try to remember to change it before I go to bed. (I do the same thing with the car radio -- eliminates one less thing for him to b*tch about).

I work from home 2 days a week, 3 days in the office, and I cherished those work from home days because I was there by myself where I had peace and quiet. That is all gone. He is always there! With the exception of a few times per summer when he camps up at acreage we have in the forest. Those days are few and far between and they are a vacation for me to be home by myself! He tends to like to control things and thinks he can plan my 2 days off on the weekend.

Sewing and crafting seem to be a thing of the past now. I used to take vacation days from work when he was working just to get things done at home, run errands, time to do what I want to do but I can't even do that anymore. I tried it recently and he seemed to think he could plan my day for me. After 41 years of marriage and trying to keep him happy, this is just getting worse and worse. What can I do to pull myself out of this? I wish he'd go back to work but he has no intention of doing that.
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babs75 said:
My husband retired a month ago. He is 64-1/2. I am 62. It is really sooner than I would have liked but it's what he wanted. I will continue working. I love my job and make a good living at it. We will not be pulling social security or retirement yet. We are going to try to manage on my salary and our savings. It's depressing to have my income cut in half. We used to live a fairly comfortable life but he has always been a spender. He spends too much money and evidently now thinks that retirement is a vacation. He's upset with me that I've told him he needs to cut back. I've noticed the past month that he gets bored during the day so he goes to the store. I've laid all expenses out on a spreadsheet and we have been able to make a few changes but not nearly enough.

I enjoyed having the house to myself for an hour or so in the morning after he left for work. I would get to watch what news station I wanted to watch and catch up on DVR recordings while getting ready for work (he has control of the remote.....I could watch in another room but I rather like the TV in the family room so I DVR a lot of stuff. He seems to think he can dictate what I watch). Now there's no time to watch my recordings.

He goes to bed earlier than me because of all of those years of going to work at 6 a.m. and I get an hour to myself in the evening to chill. I tend to watch things he doesn't like and he will ALWAYS comment on what station the TV was on when he gets up in the morning so I try to remember to change it before I go to bed. (I do the same thing with the car radio -- eliminates one less thing for him to b*tch about).

I work from home 2 days a week, 3 days in the office, and I cherished those work from home days because I was there by myself where I had peace and quiet. That is all gone. He is always there! With the exception of a few times per summer when he camps up at acreage we have in the forest. Those days are few and far between and they are a vacation for me to be home by myself! He tends to like to control things and thinks he can plan my 2 days off on the weekend.

Sewing and crafting seem to be a thing of the past now. I used to take vacation days from work when he was working just to get things done at home, run errands, time to do what I want to do but I can't even do that anymore. I tried it recently and he seemed to think he could plan my day for me. After 41 years of marriage and trying to keep him happy, this is just getting worse and worse. What can I do to pull myself out of this? I wish he'd go back to work but he has no intention of doing that.
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Hopefully you are just going through an adjustment period.
 
Paladin1950 said:
When I read the title of this thread, I thought about Keeping Up Appearances. The episodes where Richard retires and has to face living with Hyacinth 24 hours a day. Neighbor Emmett said, "The poor devil!"
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One of my absolute favorite shows. My mother came from a humble background and sometimes tried overly hard to put on airs. She was also a perfectionist. We always called her Hyacinth!



 
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mrstime said:
I am so lucky as DH can entertain himself. He retired at 67 he is now 84 and we have enjoyed his retirement.
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I've always said its good if spouses enjoy being in each other's company because if they are together long enough, they will face retirement. My hubby and I face challenges, however we enjoy each others company...married so far for 38 years. I retired early and he is 60 yrs young and thinking of retiring but plan on continuing to work in a different field. Due to his current work schedule we spend quite a bit of time together during the day.
 
  • Aug 5, 2019<--- Babs original post date. Pretty sure her problem has been resolved by now.
So many reasons to be called lucky man. This thread is about one of those reasons. Before & since retiring except for a few times while in the Navy my wife & I have been together 24/7 over 60 years now. I don't know how my life would be without her at my side.
 
Knight said:
  • Aug 5, 2019<--- Babs original post date. Pretty sure her problem has been resolved by now.
So many reasons to be called lucky man. This thread is about one of those reasons. Before & since retiring except for a few times while in the Navy my wife & I have been together 24/7 over 60 years now. I don't know how my life would be without her at my side.
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Yes, and her final post was three days later so she probably hasn't benefited from any of the advice offered.

Like you and your wife, @Knight, my husband and I are well suited to each other and get along extremely well. He's the best friend, boyfriend, lover, advocate, champion, traveling companion, sympathetic shoulder, source of good advice, soft place to land during times of stress, and roommate I've ever had. By far.

Nobody needs to tell me how lucky I am. I already know that to be true.
 
I had no intention of living the life I did for forty years….husband gleefully leaving every Monday, coming back on Friday. Now I know, we should have discussed our expectations before marriage. Anyway, here we are after 53 years of marriage and he’s been retired for 11/2 years. One thing I told him…”You’re on my turf now.” One rule we have is that he goes and watches his BIG TV every aftenoon so I can take a nap. One day, he was taking too long getting ready to go watch, and out of frustration I said “Will you just get your sh*t and shove off?” It stays as funny as the day I said it. I think advocating for myself from the beginning of his retirement has improved life for both of us.
 
In a way,I can relate to the OP about having hubby around all day! When my husband is home on the weekends, it can be a bit irritating. I just can't work on my writing projects because he interrupts. But since we are both nerds and have our own offices we mostly spend time apart on the computer or working on projects. Then we come together in the evening to cook supper together and watch television. Other than that, he is a great provider and my best friend too!
 
carouselsilver said:
In a way,I can relate to the OP about having hubby around all day! When my husband is home on the weekends, it can be a bit irritating. I just can't work on my writing projects because he interrupts. But since we are both nerds and have our own offices we mostly spend time apart on the computer or working on projects. Then we come together in the evening to cook supper together and watch television. Other than that, he is a great provider and my best friend too!
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Sort of sounds ideal!
 
babs75 said:
My husband retired a month ago. He is 64-1/2. I am 62. It is really sooner than I would have liked but it's what he wanted. I will continue working. I love my job and make a good living at it. We will not be pulling social security or retirement yet. We are going to try to manage on my salary and our savings. It's depressing to have my income cut in half. We used to live a fairly comfortable life but he has always been a spender. He spends too much money and evidently now thinks that retirement is a vacation. He's upset with me that I've told him he needs to cut back. I've noticed the past month that he gets bored during the day so he goes to the store. I've laid all expenses out on a spreadsheet and we have been able to make a few changes but not nearly enough.

I enjoyed having the house to myself for an hour or so in the morning after he left for work. I would get to watch what news station I wanted to watch and catch up on DVR recordings while getting ready for work (he has control of the remote.....I could watch in another room but I rather like the TV in the family room so I DVR a lot of stuff. He seems to think he can dictate what I watch). Now there's no time to watch my recordings.

He goes to bed earlier than me because of all of those years of going to work at 6 a.m. and I get an hour to myself in the evening to chill. I tend to watch things he doesn't like and he will ALWAYS comment on what station the TV was on when he gets up in the morning so I try to remember to change it before I go to bed. (I do the same thing with the car radio -- eliminates one less thing for him to b*tch about).

I work from home 2 days a week, 3 days in the office, and I cherished those work from home days because I was there by myself where I had peace and quiet. That is all gone. He is always there! With the exception of a few times per summer when he camps up at acreage we have in the forest. Those days are few and far between and they are a vacation for me to be home by myself! He tends to like to control things and thinks he can plan my 2 days off on the weekend.

Sewing and crafting seem to be a thing of the past now. I used to take vacation days from work when he was working just to get things done at home, run errands, time to do what I want to do but I can't even do that anymore. I tried it recently and he seemed to think he could plan my day for me. After 41 years of marriage and trying to keep him happy, this is just getting worse and worse. What can I do to pull myself out of this? I wish he'd go back to work but he has no intention of doing that.
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I realize this is a few years old but how is life now?
 
RobinWren said:
I realize this is a few years old but how is life now?
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Babs (the originator of this thread) hasn't checked into SF since three days after making this post. I call people like that "seagull posters." They fly over, drop a couple of splats, then continue on their way without giving much thought to where those splats landed.
 
StarSong said:
Babs (the originator of this thread) hasn't checked into SF since three days after making this post. I call people like that "seagull posters." They fly over, drop a couple of splats, then continue on their way without giving much thought to where those splats landed.
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Thank you for that. I wonder if I am a seagull poster:) but more often than not I lurk.
 
RobinWren said:
Thank you for that. I wonder if I am a seagull poster:) but more often than not I lurk.
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"Seagull posters" are my description only. There may be an internet term for people who do this, but if so, I don't know it.

Seagulls are how I mentally frame people whose postings include the splatter of rather involved personal stories (as in this thread), sometimes follow up with a question or two (this one checks that box), and are typically gone in less than a week, never to be seen again.
Meantime, other forum members helpfully write numerous bits of advice and personal anecdotes (this thread has 25 posts). After a while someone realizes the OP seagull has continued its journey with little apparent interest or recall about where its droppings landed. OP is identified by other posters as MIA and the thread languishes.

Sometime later a new member unearths the thread (two years later in this case, and by yet another seagull who posted just once before moving on). S/he doesn't bother reading enough of the thread to learn the OP has flown away. So the thread gets resurrected, another round of helpful advice is offered to someone who isn't reading it. Eventually the OP is again identified as MIA. Sometimes we go through this cycle several times with a thread. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I belong to a dog related forum where inactive threads are identified as such. Just above the reply box, it states:

"This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread."
That seems wise to me.
 
Being a very independent person, I reacted poorly to my very controlling Ex - I could never do anything right and he had multiple ways of making me aware of it. For many years I felt literally trapped and tried to please him. We had 4 children and I had no way of making a large enough living to support us. and I knew he would never pay child support. After 12 years I made up my mind to go back to school to get my BSN. I already had 3 years completed right out of high school. I wasn't necessarily aiming for a divorce, but I wanted a choice. After I graduated, we moved up here and after 5 years, I could no longer deal with both his increasing drinking and the attempts at controlling - which I would never go along with any more. I found that the more you give in, the more you have to give in. I started out slowly saying "no" and gradually said "no" to more and more. He drank more and more until I reached a point where I felt I could no longer deal with it I have to admit that I have never been happier than during this stretch of time I've been single.
My Ex didn't react to "no" all that well, but other men may be more amenable if approached tactfully and given a good reason to scale back their controlling instincts. After such a long time it isn't going to happen overnight and will require a phenomenal amount of patience. It sounds like you have to sit down with yourself and decide if it is worth the time and effort it will require at this point in your life when your time allotment is becoming shorter and shorter.
 
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