My weekend with Paxton and the twins was kind of odd. It kept me sort of like off-balance. Maybe I can't read his face and body language as well as I could when he lived here, but, to me, it seemed like Paxton's emotional connection to "daddy-uncle" faded along with the memories....or at least, right up until the very last minutes.
When he first got here, he zoomed up my walkway yelling "Unco Fwank! Unco Fwank! I'm coming!" And soon as I stepped outside, he jumped into my arms and hugged my neck and buried his face behind my ear. But for most of Saturday and Sunday, it felt to me like he was just having a normal visit with an old uncle. Like, he wasn't clingy or anything like that, and he wasn't moody and depressed like he used to get when we only saw each other on weekends.
The only time he got emotional is when his grandma and I started putting his and the twins' shoes on them so she could take them to their mom. She got here at about 11pm on Sunday night, as planned. And the kids knew the plan, so it was no surprise when we woke each one to say "Gramma's here; time to go home."
I sat Paxton up, and he stared into the distance while I tied his shoes. He didn't look at me and he didn't, like, hold his feet up for socks or push them into his shoes to help me get them on. I thought maybe he was just groggy, but after I got his shoes tied, I looked up at him and tears were rolling down his cheeks. He hugged my neck and quietly said, "I don't want to go."
You could totally tell by his voice and all that he knew it was a useless thing to say; it wasn't going to change anything. That's what history has taught him, you know? So I sat him on my lap and let him cry. And I rocked him and told him that I'm pretty sure we'll see each other again, and that he'll always be my boy, and I'll always love him no matter where he is....all the same things I told him last time I saw him (3pm, Dec 24th, 2021).
His gramma said that, provided Paxton "acts normal" after being here, me and Michelle might be "babysitting" fairly often from now on.
Equally joyful and gutting.