The jokes only thread....

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at
an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at
a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about
all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said...
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school-crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign...

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up! So Farmer John called and called and called everyday for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good! Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just
about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided
to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did! And not one chicken has been killed since then.
I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself,
"I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign...
it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw
dropped the moment he saw the sign! It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood...

NUDIST COLONY....
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS!
 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
 
Never Mess with a Woman !

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain...
 

A drunk walks into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, walks over to her & kisses her.
She jumps up & slaps him across the face.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I thought you were my wife. You look just like her.”
“Get away from me, you drunken slob,” she yells.
"Wow," he says. "You even sound like her."
 
A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin
was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.


After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”


The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”


The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.


The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?”


The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
 
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”

“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”

“WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
 
“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob.

“Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.” “So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated.

“Oh it’s really terrible”, said the man starting up again, “why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.”

“How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his check book. “Well,” said the man breaking down once more “they are my tenants.”
 
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail,
only to find that they are to be executed in the morning,
though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has
any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty
power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens
They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law
and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves;
beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says,
"Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree
in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute
nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"
 
There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no God!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am hungry. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

"Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"
The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no God. I bought those groceries!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"
 
A teenager walks into a pharmacy & tells the pharmacist: "I need a dozen condoms. My girlfriend's parents are leaving town tonight, & we're gonna bang our brains out."
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"
The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."
His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."
The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."
 
A man asked his wife to pack for him for a weekend fishing trip. She gladly obliged with clothes, toiletries, all the fishing gear he asked for - rods, reels, tackle box. At the last moment, he said, "Please pack my new silk pajamas, would you?"
This made her somewhat suspicious but she did as he asked.
When he returned, looking very refreshed, she asked if he caught a lot of fish.
"Oh, yes," he said. "Three walleyes, four or five bass, it was great......but, you know.....you forgot to pack my new silk pajamas."
"No I didn't," she said. "They're in your tackle box."
 
Bob works hard at the plant & spends two nights each week bowling & plays golf every Saturday. His wife wants to reward him for working so hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them & says, "Hi, Bob, how ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled & asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, the waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual & brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable & says, "How did she know you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to the table, sits in Bob's lap, throws her arms around him & says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse & storms out of the club. Bob follows & sees her getting into a cab. Before she slams the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife doesn't believe him. She is screaming at him, calling him every four-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around & says, "Gee Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
 
A man was observing a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket.
As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her,
"No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly,
"Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset.
It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy.
When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said,
"There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then
we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began
to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering
there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely,
"Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you
can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped
the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient
you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy
 
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. "Oh my, I am so sorry," she says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can't believe his luck. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
 
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
 
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
 
72645173_509363566283952_4538437945354354688_n.jpg

When God created
Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded, and said those things did not matter to her.
Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.
He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and
bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...
Well, he would not stop showing off.
God and Eve watched the man crazy with happiness and Eve asked God:
What is the other gift? '
God answered:
Eve,..... a brain ... and it is for you ...!
Share with those women who u want to give a smile ..... and open-minded men !!
 
Sassycakes said:
View attachment 79387

When God created
Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded, and said those things did not matter to her.
Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.
He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and
bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...
Well, he would not stop showing off.
God and Eve watched the man crazy with happiness and Eve asked God:
What is the other gift? '
God answered:
Eve,..... a brain ... and it is for you ...!
Share with those women who u want to give a smile ..... and open-minded men !!
Click to expand...
Cute. And, the first thing Adam said to Eve: "You better stay back. I don't know how big this thing's gonna get."
 
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Just like they did every day. Abe turned to Sol and asked, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven? " Solomon thought about it for a minute and replied, "I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me --if there is baseball in heaven. " They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on. One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol.... " Sol responded, "Abe! Is that you? " "Yes it is Sol," whispered the spirit of Abe. Sol, still amazed, asked, "So, is there baseball in heaven? " "Well," Abe said, "I got good news and I got bad news. " "Gimme the good news first," said Sol. Abe said, "Well... there is baseball in heaven. " Sol said, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!? " Abe sighed and whispered, "You're pitching on Friday. "
 
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy.
Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
 
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.
 
One Way To Save Money
A man named Marty called his son.
“Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset
you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you
can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.”
“But dad how can that be “the son asked “you have been
married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along?
What happened suddenly?” “Son, I have made up my mind,
and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.”
“OK” the son responded “but promise me you won’t do anything
until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask
all of the siblings to fly in also.”Alright” said the father
hanging up “you have my word. “Well” said Marty, turning to his wife
“I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”
 
A man and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!”
Then stormed off to work.
By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends
and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked.
“I was in bed,” she replied.
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”
 
Adam and Eve
Existence was so tranquil
and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve,
like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate
day when Adam showed up one hour late for supper.
By the time Adam finally came home Eve was a nervous wreck,
and her imagination was working overtime. “Honey, what happened?
Why are you home so late?” Questioned Eve. “Oh I’m sorry!
Adam responded with a wave of his hand, “I just lost track of the time.”
Now Eve didn’t have a Mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears,
after all it was just her and her Husband and despite Adam’s
convincing act her overactive imagination could not be calmed.
That night after two hours of restlessly turning in her bed,
enough was enough. “WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!”
Hollered Adam jumping out of bed. “YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHAT I’M DOING”
Screamed Eve right back, “NOW YOU BETTER LAY STILL RIGHT NOW,
AND LET ME FINISH COUNTING THOSE RIBS!
 
A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf. They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up. They complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.
The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them.”
The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”
 

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