The jokes only thread....

Redneck Vasectomy..

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
1...2....3...4...5..
. At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Indiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Wayne County, Iowa.🦋
 


A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again. She decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you, don't bother coming after me” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom, she could see him walking towards the dresser and pick up the note...
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone ; - "she's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like".
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with
rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote;
"I can see your feet. We're out of bread. back in 5 min."
 
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation:
They were determined to make this a real vacation, by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking
straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said. "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father." Nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said. "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father." And started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied. "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.
 
An 88 year old man walks in to St. Mary's Catholic church and says to the priest, "I have something to confess."
The priest replies, "Come over to the confessional and I'll hear your confession."
"I spent the entire night having sex with two 20 year old girls," the old man said.
"That's a serious sin, my son. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do an act of contrition," the priest replied.
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not catholic."
"Not catholic? Then why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
 
A guy sticks his head in a barber shop & asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop & says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door & asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop & says, "About an hour."
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the door & asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop & says, "About three hours."
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop & says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy & see where he goes."
An hour later, Bill comes back to the shop & the barber asks, "Where did he go when he left here?"
Bill says, "Your house."
 
Anniversary Celebration
As they were preparing to cut the cake at their 75th anniversary celebration, the old man nuzzled the old woman's ear and whispered, "Darling, there's a question I've been wanting to ask you all these years. Our eleventh child never did look very much like his siblings. Did he have a different father?"
Lowering her eyes, and hesitating for a moment, the old woman murmured, "Yes, he did dear."
The old man stood there, unable to speak for a moment, until he finally asked, "Who? Who is it?"
"You, dear!" she admitted.
 
John was sitting outside his local pub, enjoying a pint of vodka when a nun appears & starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself, young man! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" she says.
John asks, "How do you know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so," replies the nun.
"But have you ever had a drink yourself?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Of course I have never had a drink."
"Then you can't be sure that what you're saying is right. I'll tell you what. Let me buy you a drink. After you've tried it, if you still believe it is evil I will give up drinking for life."
"I'm a nun. What will people think if they see me drinking?"
"I'll get the bartender to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The nun reluctantly agrees, so John walks up to the bartender, lowers his voice & says, "Another pint for me & a triple vodka on the rocks & could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Ah," says the bartender. "That nun again?"
 
It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
 
Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home.
When they got to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife,
gave her a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much
he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented
his wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised that he
fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he' d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Dave thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, 'This is the worst day of my life. First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle.
Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!'
 
The End is Near!

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.


“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
 
– A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, “How did you get such a huge orange head?” The guy says, “Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I’ll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire…what is your first wish?’ I said, I’d like all the money I could ever spend.’ The genie went Poof!’, and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?’ I said, I’d like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.’ The genie went Poof!’, and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?’…and I think this is where I went wrong…I said, I’d like a huge orange head.'”
 
George had taken his wife to the theater, but half way through the fist act he was busting for a leak.
Then at interval he had a difficult time pushing through the crowd trying to find the Gents down one passage and around the next until he was somewhere backstage.
He was desperate, and when he discovered a fountain, surrounded by foliage, the effect of the tinkling water was the last straw.
Nobody was about so he took out his willy and pissed into the fountain. It was a great relief.
He took some time finding his way back to his seat and when he sat next to his wife again he whispered, "Have I missed much of this second act?"
"Missed it?" she said. "You were the star."
 
My friend got herself a puppy. It’s so incredibly cute and playful! Unfortunately her husband is allergic so it really doesn’t work out.
If you’re interested, please send a message. His name is Marcel, he’s 54 years old
and he weighs 216 pounds.
 
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of friends late one night.
In the bedroom was a huge brass gong with a mallet.
"Hey, what's with that gong," one of his friends asked.
"That's not a gong; it's a talking clock," replied the drunk.
"How does it work?" the friend asked.
The drunk picked up the mallet & hit the gong as hard as he could. The noise was ear shattering.
The three of them stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall yelled: "Hey, you idiot! It's three o'clock in the morning!"
 
A Marine stationed overseas received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home.
It read: Dear Ricky:
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone & it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Love, Becky.
P.S. Please return the picture of me that I sent you.

The Marine collected 30 photos of his fellow Marine's girlfriends, aunts & sisters & also included the photo of Becky. He sent them all to Becky, along with this letter:
Dear Becky:
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the stack & send the rest back to me.
Take care,
Ricky
 

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