The jokes only thread....

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the police station when they saw pictures of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the kids pointed to a picture & asked if it was really a photo of a wanted person.
"Yes, it is," replied the policeman. "We're trying very hard to capture him."
Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
 

A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”

Girl : No

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that’s why you need a husband.”
 

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right
 

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Honk if you love peace & quiet.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak.
 
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”
 
Two women are chatting over lunch.
One asks, "What would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?"
The other replies: "I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog & call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."
 
A guy goes to the supermarket & notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says, "hello."
She looks familiar but he can't remember where he knows her from.
He asks, "Do you know me?"
She relies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now, he thinks back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife & says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching?"
"No," she says. "I'm your son's teacher."
 
I thought this was funny today,after I got 3 emails that were spam.

Whenever I feel depressed in life.. I open my E-Mail spam inbox
I find:
* 10 banks are giving me easy loans.
* I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.
* 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.
* 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.
* Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall.
* 3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.
* And Approx 40-50 mails from different girls who are feeling lonely and want to meet me.
 
A friend asks his friend 4 a cigarette. His friend says
I think u made a New Yr resolution 2 quit smoking.
Da man says. I am in da process of quitting. Right now
I am in da middle of phase 1. What's phase 1?
I've quit buying
 
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
What's bothering you so, dear? inquired Farther O'Grady.
Oh, father, I've got terrible news. Replied Mary.
Well what is it, Mary? Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.
Oh, Mary said the father, that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?
Well, yes he did father, replied Mary.
What did he ask, Mary?



Mary replied, He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'
 
A Beautiful young lady went to a dance and she had a low-cut strapless gown on.
Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.
All night she noticed a young man staring at her.
In her embarrassment she held up the airplane and said,.. “Oh you like my airplane huh?”

^
^
^
^
The young man smiled mischievously. “No ma’am… I was just admiring the landing field.”
 
A married man was visiting his “girlfriend”,
When she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love
to see your handsome face.” James replied, “My wife loves this beard.
I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!” “Oh please?”
the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice… “Really, I can’t,”
he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!” The girlfriend asked once more,
he sighed and finally gave in. That night James crawled into bed next
to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward
felt his face and said,“Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”
 
images
 
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