The jokes only thread....

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), “I have an idea … it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot. Funeral is on Thursday at Noon ——-The coffin will be closed.
 

The Kansas Department of Transportation (KDOT) found over 450 dead crows on I-35 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.



A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).



The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.



KDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah","Cah" not a single one could shout "Truck"!!!
 
Ten infamous bank robbers were on the run, breaking into banks, and stealing all the money. Five of these bank robbers were old men and five were old women. The men and women were married and were all grandparents. The group of women called themselves "the Nannies". After a city-wide search, the police was able to nab them all and bring them all into the station -- handcuffed. After they were handcuffed they were frisked and everything was taken out of their pockets and they were all put in jail.



Just before they left for the day, the police chief said, "nice job, boys. You really came through. But are you sure you frisked them well and collected all the money they stole?"



The head of the group of policemen said, "Yes, sir. We cleaned out every crook and nanny."
 
YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Focus you gave a speeding ticket to last week."
Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?
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A couple in their 80's walks into a sex therapist's office.

"What can I do for you?" asks the doctor.

The man says, "We want you to watch us while we have sex."

The doctor is impressed that an elderly couple is having sex & he agrees.

After the couple finishes, the doctor says, "Well, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have sex."

He thanks them for coming in, wishes them good luck, charges them $50.00 & says "Goodbye."

The next week, the couple returns & asks the doctor to watch again. The doctor is a bit puzzled, but he agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row - the couple makes an appointment, has sex with no problems, pays the doctor, then they leave.

Finally, after 3 months, the doctor says, "I have to ask....just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married & we can't go to her house. I'm married & we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $100.00. The Hilton charges $200.00. We do it here for $50.00 & I get $43.00 back from Medicare."
 
The After Life

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion...Marion". "Is that you, Dave?" "Yes, I've come back as we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud of me for eating lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again, then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again." "Oh, Dave are you in Heaven?" "No, I'm a rabbit in Saskatchewan."
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The man hears a knock on the door.

He answers and a guy says "I'm soliciting votes for a new mayorality candidate"
So the man says "Why? What's wrong with the one we have".

The guy says : "Well haven't you heard? He built his driveway with municipal funds".
The man says "Well I'm going to vote for him anyway".
The guy says: "Why"?
The man says: "Because he already has his driveway".
 
A husband & wife are driving down a country road when their car gets stuck in a muddy patch.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out, they saw a farmer approaching them driving some oxen.
The farmer stopped & offered to pull their car out of the mud for $50.00. They agreed & minutes later, the car was free.
The farmer says to the couple, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
 
It was entertainment night at the old folks' home. Tonight's entertainment was "Claude, The Amazing Hypnotist."
He said, "Most hypnotists bring two or three audience members up to the stage, but I'm going to hypnotize all of you.
He pulled a pocket watch from his coat & said, "I want all of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch & it has been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch back & forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch....Watch the watch.....Watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized.
Suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers & fell to the floor, breaking into several pieces.
"Shit," said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the old folks' home.
 
A woman is looking at a sweater in a store.
"This is a little overpriced, isn't it?" she says to the saleslady.
"Not really, Madam," the saleslady replies. "The wool comes from a rare breed of sheep found only in the highest mountain of Tibet. It's a beautiful yarn."
"Yes," replies the woman. "And you tell it so well."
 
An admiral is standing on the deck of his battleship when the enemy is spotted on the horizon.
"Fetch me my red shirt," says the admiral to a nearby sailor. "If I'm wounded while fighting the enemy, I don't want the men to see that I'm bleeding."
"Excuse me sir," said the sailor. "But it's not only one ship. There are fifteen."
"In that case," replies the admiral. "Forget the shirt. Fetch me my brown trousers."
 
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.



One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.



The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."



"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."
 

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