The jokes only thread....

Jack said to his friend Bob: “I’m ready for a vacation.
But this year I’m going to do it a little differently.
The last few years I’ve taken your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you told me to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and my wife got pregnant.
Then two years ago you told me to go to Italy, and my wife got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Spain, and guess what? My wife got pregnant again!”
Bob asked: “So what are you going to do differently this year?” Jack replied:
“This year I’m taking my wife with me
 

What Happens to IRS Cheaters In Afterlife

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment.
God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes,
the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid,
ugly woman for the next five years.
A few days later, as Tony’s walking in the park with his stupid,
hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely
drop dead gorgeous woman. “John, what happened?” Tony asks.
“I have no idea,” John replies. “I was told I have five years of
amazing sex to look forward to.
The only thing I don’t understand is why she always yells
‘Damn income taxes!’ whenever we have sex.”
 
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 pounds, I really need 20 pounds."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 pounds, just lend me 10 pounds!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 pounds. Lend me 5 pounds please if you will."

I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
 
The small business owner was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University
and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%,
how much would you take off?” The secretary thought for a moment,
then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
 
A bill collector came knocking at the door of a woman who had fallen behind on her bills.
“All right, lady,” the bill collector said. “How about the next installment on that couch?”
The woman shrugged. “I guess that’s better than having to give you money.
 
These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, “I can’t let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.” Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, “Can’t let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.” The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, “Come on, Fanny, he’s not going to let us in either.”
 
A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...
Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn’t think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, “I think we should get married!”

“Wait,” his girlfriend said, taken aback, “are you serious?”

“I think I am,” he said.

“You’re proposing to me here on the couch?” she asked.

“Yes, I guess I am,” he said.

“That’s not much of a proposal,” the girlfriend said. “I think you can do better.”

“I thought so, too,” the young man said. “But your sister already said No "
 
There were 3 men in a brothel. One going up the stairs, one in going down the stairs, and one in a room. What were their nationalities?

The man going up the stairs was Russian.

The man going down the stairs was Finnish.

And the man in the room, Himalayan.
 
Lawyer Joke

A man who was spoiling for a fight walked into a bar and shouted, "All lawyers are a**holes."

A guy at the end of the bar said, "You better take that back because I resent it!"

First guy: "Why do you resent it, are you a lawyer?"

Second guy: "No, I'm not a lawyer, I'm an a**hole."
 
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!
 
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!

How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!

You really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math…it's easy as pi!

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

What did the hamburger name it's baby? Patty!

Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!

One lung said to another…we be-lung together!

Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

I used to go fishing with Skrillex. But he kept dropping the bass!

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii!

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee!

Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!

My girlfriend thought I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti… You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!

Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
 
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid.
After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings
as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse
to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper
and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"


And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband ... the mail man "
 

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