The jokes only thread....

A man sits in a bar, reading a newspaper. Suddenly he is tapped on his shoulder by another man:
"Excuse me sir, but do you know Mrs. Appleblossom?"

The man folds up his newspaper, coughs slightly and replies: "just a moment sir",
after which he takes out a little black notebook. "A, A, A... [finding the name in the book]
yes, actually I do know Mrs. Appleblossom.".

He puts the notebook back into his inside pocket picks up the newspaper and continues reading.
The other man taps his shoulder again: "Excuse me sir, but have you been to bed with Mrs. Appleblossom?"

The first gent puts the newspaper down again, finds his notebook and checks: "B, B, B...
ahh, yes, I have been to bed with Mrs. Appleblossom"

He starts putting the notebook away when he once again is tapped on the shoulder:
"Excuse me sir, but I am Mr. Appleblossom, and I am very disappointed"

"D, D, D... ahh... yes sir, so was I!"
 

The Hypochondriac

Danny was an extremely nervous patient whose imagination afflicted him with all kinds of misfortunes that never materialised. One afternoon he staggered into the house. He was bent forwards. He tottered to a chair and, still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it.

'Jenny,' he gasped, 'it's happened at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn't straighten up. I can't lift my head.'

When the doctor had arrived and looked at Danny, Jenny inquired, 'Is there any hope, doc?'

'Well,' the GP replied, 'it would help a great deal if he would undo the third buttonhole of his waistcoat from the top button of his trousers.'
 

A man phones his local church and says, "I want to speak to the Head Hog." The secretary chafed at the pastor being addressed so disrespectfully and said so. The caller once again, ignoring her, said, "let me speak to the Head Hog." By now the secretary, fully annoyed asked him what he wished to speak to the pastor about. The man said he wanted to tell the Hog that he wished to donate $75,000.00 to the church. With that the secretary responded, hold on sir, "the big fat pig" just came in.
 
Little Johnny asks his father: "Where does the wind come from?" -
"I don't know." - "Why do dogs bark?" - "I don't know." -
"Why is the earth round?" - "I don't know." -
"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?" -
"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."

**************************************************************************************



A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, “Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?” - The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, “That’s intercourse, my boy.” -
“OK,” nods Mikey and off he goes. - He comes back after five minutes and says,
“Grandpa, that’s not right. I’ve just spoken to mom and she said that it’s
not called intercourse but a bunk bed!”
***********************************************************************




A man and his wife are getting ready for a gala event. The wife gets into her dress and asks her husband,
"Does this make my butt look too big, Derek?" - The husband sighs and says, "Sweetie, do you promise that
you won’t get angry, no matter what I say?" - The wife gulps and says, "Of course, Derek, I promise,
I won’t get angry." - The husband looks her over from all sides and says, "I slept with your cousin."
 
Somethings I've learned

1.Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his

15. Sadly, all men are created equal
 
Men vs. women:to please a woman you must,
-love her
-kiss her
-hug her
-listen to her
-adore her
-talk to her
-be there for her
-walk with her
-shop with her
-satisfy her
-cry with her
-hold her

To satisfy a man a women must
-have sex with him
-give him food and a beer
-let him watch his tv
 
A man from the city had a dog that could walk on top of the water.

He took it to the country on a hunting trip and hired a guide and went shooting ducks.

He shot a duck some distance from shore and the dog trotted out on top of the water and brought it back to shore. He shot another one and the performance was repeated.

The guide didn’t say a word. The hunter from the city asked if he didn’t see something unusual about the dog. The guide said, “Yes, your dog can’t swim.”
 
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools " together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!! "Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice. Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!! "The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice. The voice came once more, "FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!! "She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord? " The voice replied, "NO you idiot!...this is the Ice-Rink Manager. "
 
Dating Advice
A guy says to his pal, “I know you love your little daughter, my friend.
So how will you handle it when she gets older and wants to date?”

His friend replies, “I’ll pull her date aside and whisper in his ear,
‘That’s my sweet little girl you’re taking out tonight and I love her
more than life itself. If you’re even remotely considering kissing her,
touching her, or being in any way physically affectionate with her,
I just want you to remember this one thing:
I don’t mind going back to prison.’”
 
After 45 years at the company and ready to retire,
the boss walked into the office
on his last day of work. He didn't notice his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His long-time assistant walked up to him and said, “This morning when you left your house,
did you close your garage door?”

The boss said he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

Later, as he checked himself in the office mirror before his final lunch in the company cafeteria,
he noticed his fly was open, so he zipped it up. Then he understood his assistant's question
about his 'garage door.'

He headed out, paused by her desk, smiled, and asked, “When my garage door was open,
did you see my stretch limo parked in there?”

“No,” she said, “I didn't. All I saw was a rusty Olds with two flat tires.”
 
"A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. She took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sex Education Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really!" he said. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto Goldstein,” he replied. “But my friends call me Bubba."
 
A doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation.
Until we get in contact with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs." "Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient.
"Not really. But it's the only thing we can shove in under the door."
********************************************************************************


Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
**********************************************************************

You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
 
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.



The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.

“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.

“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.



The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.

“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.

“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.

“I want a root beer float,” said the second piggy.

“I want water, lots and lots of water,” exclaimed the third little piggy.



“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have you only ordered water?”



You’re gonna hate me for this…

I mean really hate me.



Hold on to your seat…

J

The third piggy says—



“Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home.’”😀
 
Man with an ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’
and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’ ‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’
and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke’
The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same’
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘Same,’ says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time?

‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in
my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars
or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It’s brilliant!”

That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount
of money is always there,’ says the man.

The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’

The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a
big butt & long legs who agrees with everything I say’

MORAL OF THE STORY: Men are brilliant until they think about a woman
 
"Walking the Dog"
This young girl about 7 year old had a dog which she took for a walk everyday after school.
Well, one day her dog was in heat, so her father told her that she couldn't walk the dog for a week or so because it wasn't feeling well.
His daughter became very upset and cried for most of the night.
The next day the father came up with a plan. He put some gasoline on the dogs rear end to hide the smell from the male dogs.
Well when the girl got home she was happy to find that she could now walk her dog again.
About an hour later, the girl returned without the dog.
The father asked, "What on earth has happened to the dog?"
The girl replies, "Well she ran out of gas a few blocks back, and is being pushed home by another dog."
 
I'm posting this with a heavy heart...😔



As much as I love my antiques and collecting them, it takes up too much of my time and I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics such as cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be getting rid of my entire collection to anyone interested.



Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only please and don't insult me with lowball offers.



Thanks for reading and understanding...



1. Dustpan and brush



2. Sponges



3. Dusters



4. Mop and bucket



5. Window cleaner



6. Vacuum



7. Dishwashing liquid



8. Laundry detergent



9. Fabric softener



10. Laundry baskets



11. Toilet brush



12. Cleaning sprays



13. Scrubbing brushes
 
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.

"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.

"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."

"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
 
A man wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their wedding anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited,
she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all
the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes
shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"

His wife replied, "I just love. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell,
but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

The blonde replied, "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
 
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry,
I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.
 


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