The jokes only thread....

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.


19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on front bumper.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle and forehead.
33. Beer.
34. More Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337 just a DIYS project.
 

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A Blonde Hottie comes into her bar very upset!
She greats the bartender and he asks, "what's the matter?"
Well, the Blonde hottie in halter and short shorts says,
"I've got these two-barrel racing horses (sniff, sniff), and well…
I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times
or even feeding them the right foods especially before working them."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the blonde chick regular
tries to think of something he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
Our Blondo Hot Chick orders a couple shots, slams them and says,
"that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later Blondo comes back to the bar in worse condition than before.
"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
Blondo, in a heartbreaking sob answers,
"I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob),
but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting to give her a plan says,
"Maybe shave off the Mane of one can help?"
So, Blondo slows the crying, thinks a bit, slams her 4th shot glass and leaves.
A few months later Our BlondO is back in the bar.
The Bars bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the Blonde says,
"I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!"
The bartender, now still intent to help Blondo says,
"For crying out loud, just measure the height of both horses.
Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!"
Blondo think about what the bartender has just said over another shot
and goes back to the pasture.
The next day our BlondO Hottie comes back into the bar
as if she had just won the lottery.
"It worked, it worked!" she exclaims after 6 shots and says,
"I measured my horses and the black one is
two inches taller than the white one!"
 
So there is this pub down in Cornwall called “The Dogs Tail" a curious name even for an English pub! The place is a tourist trap though due to the name! They claim it's one of the most haunted places in Britain.

The story goes that the oringinal owner had a huge St Bernard. It used to go with him everywhere. But on one occasion the dog was being stubborn and refused to leave the pub, so the owner went to get his wares himself. The dog planted herself in front of the door waiting his return.

There was some famous storm and it took out the bridge, and the owner tried to get his cart back that night to not be stranded and was caught and drowned. According to the legend the dog refused to move from the door or eat or drink until her owner came back and died too.

They keep a thing above the bar they claim is the dogs tail, because the owners family didn't want to have the whole dog stuffed and displayed. Over the years it got such a story they renamed the pub.

So the ghost bit? Once a year at the stroke of 2am on the anniversary of the storm when the owner died (NOT the dogs death that might have been more convincingly) a ghostly scratching is heard as the spirit of the dog tries to be reunited with its tail and be complete before she can move on.

But it's Britain. They can't re-tail spirits out of hours
 
Jokes only? Let's see ...
Two Scottish fishermen are standing by the sea casting their fishing rods. One of them hooks a mermaid with a beautiful face and heavenly breasts. After pulling her out of the water, he throws her back in. His buddy asks him "why?" He replies "how?"
 
Sassycakes said:
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again, are thunder and lightning.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why are husbands like lawnmowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
Click to expand...
Well, I'll not comment on the last joke, since I won't accuse myself. But #1 and #2 are right.
#1 is even part of the musical and the movie "Fiddler on the Roof":
"To convince his wife Golde that (Tevye's daughter) Tzeitel should not marry Lazar, Tevye claims to have had a nightmare. He says that Golde's deceased grandmother told him Tzeitel is supposed to marry Motel, and that Lazar's late wife, Fruma-Sarah, threatened to kill Tzeitel if the two marry, along with Tevye and Golde. Golde concludes the dream was a message from their ancestors, and Tzeitel and Motel arrange to be married. " (from Wikipedia).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fiddler_on_the_Roof_(film)
 
Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio

"Hello. Is this the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."
 
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
 
A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.

The man said, "I don't have health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, "I don't."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "Just a sister, who's a spinster nun."

The nun sternly replied, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 
Three nuns die in a car crash
They ascend to heaven and are met at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. “Before you can enter Heaven you must each answer a question to prove your piety.”
He turns to the first nun and asks “How many commandments did God give to Moses?” The nun says “Oh, that’s easy, 10!” Ba Bada Bah! The trumpets blare and the pearly gate swings open.
St Peter turns to the second nun, “Name the four evangelists.”
“Ha, that’s simple, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John!” Ba Bada Bah! The gate swings open and the happy nun walks in.
He then turns to the third nun. “What were Eve’s first words to Adam?”
Taken aback, the nun mutters “Wow, that’s a hard one!”
Ba Bada Ba! The gate swings open.
 
2 Blondes are playing golf. On the third hole there's a foursome
in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first Blonde says I'll tee off they are far enough away.
She hits the drive of her life, a shot straight down the faraway.
She screams fore at the top of her lungs and
as the men turn to look one is hit solidly.
He rolls on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
The Blondes drive up to him & she goes over to the injured man,
apologizing and says "let me help you, I am a physical therapist.
" He protests as she shoves his hands at his side.
She unzips his fly and begins to massage him.
"How does that feel?" she asks.
"Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell," says Lil Johnny.
 
Franky passes away. Franky's will provides $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departs the affair, Franky's wife, Helen, turns to her oldest friend.
"I'm sure Franky would be pleased," she says to her friend.
"I'm sure you're right but," replies Jody
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," says Helen. "Thirty thousand."
Jody exclaims, "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answers. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church."
"The wake, food and drinks were another $500."
The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody adds it up, "$22,500 for a memorial stone?"
"My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
 
When your local stores reshuffle their stock continuously
it's called hiding what they still have.
Its good exercise for you they say.
Yesterday I met the rudest,
most foul mouth insulting cashier
at the self-checkout counter.
 
Wife sent a message to her husband:

Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and Savita says hi to you.

Husband: Who is Savita?

Wife:

Nothing,

I was just making sure that you read my message or not

😃😂😋😉

Twist in the tale.....

Husband:- But I'm with Savita, which Savita are you talking about?

Wife:- where are you....?😡😡😡

Husband: near vegetable market😎

Wife:- Wait I will come there...

After 10 minutes she texts her husband "where are you"?

Husband:- "I m at the office, now buy whatever vegetables you need...😜
 
A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law.
One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.
Immediately, she wakes up her husband and
they both set off to find the old woman. Suddenly,
they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law,
standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"
"That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"
 

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